Consum-mate

Is this "cold feet" or the wrong person?

"I love him/her but am I settling?"

"We've been together for so long, it must be meant to be, right?"

"Can I even imagine splitting up and having to give up our great apartment/lifestyle?"

"Would I ever find anyone else who would love me?"

"Things will get better after we get through the wedding stress and are married, right?"

"How would we tell our friends and families, they would be so disappointed?"

"Wouldn't my parents kill me after all the money they have put down on deposits?"

These are some of the thoughts that should be red flagged but too often go unheeded as couples move towards commitment and marriage. After all, it is easy to get carried away when you are "in love" and caught up in the perks, convenience, and status that a relationship affords.

Besides, these thoughts could just be cold feet, right? After all, choosing a mate is one of life's most important decisions--so it should be taken seriously and not without a certain amount of careful relationship examination and second guessing. So how can anyone really know if what they're feeling is just a manifestation of cold feet or a sign that this is not the right person for them? The answer is not as mysterious or complicated as you may think.

Here is an easy exercise that anyone experiencing cold feet can do. Take any or all of the above statements and add a few that are more specific to your particular concerns. Then, for each one ask a question that provides an answer to that concern. Feel free to use the following as a template or guide.

* I love him/her but am I settling?

Now ask yourself:

* Do I look at other men/women with a genuine attraction and interest and wonder what it would be like to be with them instead?

* We've been together for so long, it must be meant to be, right? Now ask yourself:

*Do I feel like I've invested too much already to even consider ending this relationship?

* Can I even imagine splitting up and having to give up our great apartment/lifestyle?

Now ask yourself:

* Would I still want to be with him/her if the relationship offered less money, security and comfort than what we have now?

* Am I afraid I would never find anyone else who would love me?

Now ask yourself:

* Is it this person I love or the idea of having a relationship and not being alone?

* Will things get better after we get through the wedding stress and are married?

Now ask yourself:

* Is there a high level of conflict, poor communication, and/or emotional distance in our relationship?

* How would we tell our friends and families, they would be so disappointed?

Now ask yourself:

* If I could go back and do it again would I allow myself to get this close to the altar with this person?

* Would my parents kill me after all the money they have put down on deposits?

Now ask yourself:

* Am I going through with this because I don't want to disappoint or embarrass my parents or cause them any financial strain or hardship?

If you or someone close to you is having cold feet over moving in or moving towards the altar, I recommend you do this simple exercise to help you make a conscious and carefully thought out decision. Be creative and make a list of any negative thoughts you have been having and/or ask friends to recount things you may have said that left them wondering. You could do this for a friend as well. After all, what have you got to loose but your future dreams, goals and happiness?

Want to read other articles on this subject?


"Is this the one or am I settling?"
List of more "Soul mates or Something else" articles

"The engagement trap"

CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

 


Copyright 2008 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.

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