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Online Hunters, Gatherers and Dating
" Professional, attractive, straightforward woman looking for the real thing. Loves to play games, but not in relationships. In search of an intelligent, financially stable, fun loving, "normal" guy who appreciates a strong, assertive, nurturing woman who is looking for commitment and isn't afraid to say so. Extra points if you have strong shoulders that can be used for support and comfort as needed."
If you are a woman, you may be thinking that no man worth having would respond to an ad like the one above. After all, guys don't like women who like them too much, lavish a lot of attention on them, are too available or needy, or (worst of all), take the lead in dating situations. Therefore, the only men who would be interested must be dull, dateless and/or desperate. After all, "every woman" knows the importance of playing hard to get and waiting for the guy to make the first move,don't they?
All of you must be acquainted with at least one woman who is a guy magnet. She's the one who always seems to have a boyfriend (or two) and usually attracts the most interest when your group of female friends are out together. She's attractive and fun, but the same can be said about most (all) of you. So what does she have that the rest of you don't? Hint: think effective body language, positive non-verbal and verbal communication, healthy self-esteem and an ability and willingness to assertively use these to make the right connection. Learning the secrets of a successful dater could help you to attract the kind of man you seek and leave him wanting to know more.
As a dating coach who has worked with many clients of both sexes, I have been on the front lines with singles seeking many different kinds of dating experiences. I have encountered bad boys, nice guys, strong women, shy women, the marriage minded, the commitment-phobes, those who have little or no dating experience and those with active and satisfying dating histories. What I have learned is that ultimate success comes to those who are honest and open about what they are looking for, willing to take initiative, and who actively participate in the chase. That's right, ladies, this means you too. You must be willing to break, or at least bend the rules as you learn to challenge the myths that say men must always be the hunters and women the elusive prey.
The following tips will assist you in writing your own set of rules--ones that will work well for you if you remember that you may have to unlearn some of the things you have been taught to believe about what men like and don't like.
Come up with two or three subtle moves that you can make towards a guy whose online profile catches your eye. Try using your imagination and thinking outside the box. Winking, sending a brief, intriguing email that comments on something he said or on one of his interests, or sharing something about yourself that helps you to stand out are always the easiest to start with. Keep it simple, honest and sincere.
If a guy winks (winks back) at you, don't wait to respond. Look over his profile and send an email ASAP. Many women report having waited too long and then learning too late that he has met someone of interest in the meantime.
Don't wait more than two weeks after your first contact for HIM to suggest that first meeting. If you have been regularly communicating back and forth, go for it. Make it easy for him by having a tentative and convenient plan in mind already and make sure that it is one that requires you to share the effort jointly. Just simply put it out there--if he's interested he will let you know, if he hesitates or avoids giving a response, he is not the guy for you.
Put a genuine effort into that first meeting. Try to look your best and communicate real interest in him and what he has to say. Be open and honest in your conversation without over-sharing in an inappropriate manner. Let him know if you had a good time and that you'd love to get together again.
Don't represent yourself as only looking for a good time or as not interested in a serious relationship if this is not so. If it comes up, state your relationship goals simply and honestly and move on to something else. Don't elaborate on your ticking clock, desire for a large family or other imperatives for sealing the deal quickly.
If you really like the guy; communicate this through your eyes, posture, smile and other facial expressions and by telling him that you enjoy talking with him, sharing time with him, and would like to know him better.
For my last tip, I want you to think about your men friends who are in healthy, satisfying relationships, and ask them how they feel about women making the first move. Don't be surprised if at least one of them shares that his significant other was the one who approached him first. Listen carefully when he tells you that women who know what they want and go after it are a turn on. Pay attention to his comments about women who expect men to do all the work as they communicate with mixed messages peppered with bits of drama and tiring mind games. In other words, get a man's perspective, then go out there in cyber space and be open to making the first move.
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Toni Coleman, LCSW
© Copyright 2008 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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