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Dear Angry Guy
Dear Dating Coach,
After watching countless women go off on "singles" vacations to the Caribbean and have sex with men within hours of meeting them, it's obvious that women are guilty of the same things they criticize men for. This is especially true in today's climate where all men are demeaned and vilified by most women as being "overly eager" to have sex.
I have decades of experience with the industry, so I know whereof I speak. It pains me to realize this, but I must. I have personally witnessed a very large portion of the female population having repeated sex with men they have just met, yet at the same time, withholding this same act from their significant others. To add injury to insult, many of these same women return home from their "vacations" with active and virulent STDs and generously infect their significant others. Moreover, many of these women have more than one "significant other" on their frequent trips to-and-from broken relationships and divorce court.
As a direct result, my impression of women, in general, has been seriously (negatively) impacted. In fact, I'm starting to believe (as do many aware males) that most women have been stringing along most men with far more lying, cheating, and stealing on a daily basis than most men are capable of during their entire lives. Please note the key word is "most" and not "all," please. Yet, "most" is much more than enough.
Ergo, womankind has been busted- big time. Women's complaints about men are now just a worn-out joke, irksome when heard, lacking in purpose or meaning, and signifying nothing.
Have a NICE day!
When I opened this email, my first impulse was to quickly write back and try to get to the bottom of whatever issue had prompted it. I could see that this is a guy who is really angry with women due to having been hurt badly by at least one. His email appears to be his way of venting his anger and being heard, but could also be a cry for help. The therapist in me wanted to take action. Then I thought of all the other possible guys out there who may share his feelings and of all the great women who stand to lose out because of attitudes like this. This is when I decided to share my response in an article.
Dear Angry Guy,
Talk about the battle of the sexes… According to you, most women are not worth even a second look, let alone the time it takes to really know someone. You didn't ask me for my thoughts or advice on this issue, but I think you are in need of them, so here goes…
You are clearly very angry; however, I don't think it's at "womankind." Your feelings appear to be very personal, and I suspect that at least one woman in your past has hurt you badly. Without having any specific information here, I am going to take an educated guess and assume that you have given your heart to at least one "bad girl." Yes, there is such a thing, and she is much like her male counterpart. You guys also refer to these women as "cougars", "black widows," and ____? They are out there, breaking hearts and leaving a trail of hurt- just like the bad boys.
I must disagree with you on your statistics, however. MOST women are not like the type you describe in your email. When I read your note, my mind was flooded with images of all the lovely women I know, of all ages, who are loyal, caring, responsible and devoted to the men in their lives. Then I thought about all the terrific, unattached women who could lose a real chance at happiness if most of the available guys out there were to share your beliefs. I don't think they do, so I also disagree with your comment about the many aware guys who feel as you do.
Men and women are very different in a number of ways, but we all share the same basic needs and wants for companionship, nurturing, connectedness and family. As individuals, we mature at very different rates and one's readiness for intimacy and commitment is impacted by their age, attitude, background and experiences. In other words, it is possible to have bad timing or to fall for someone who either doesn't share your same relationship goals and/or has a problem with intimacy, which can lead to dysfunctional behavior- like you describe in your email. I am not excusing this kind of irresponsible conduct, just trying to shed some light on how and why it occurs.
Too often, when two people meet and begin dating they make assumptions about each other- based on how well they get along or how strong the physical chemistry is. These assumptions can lead a couple to move forward without ever really exploring what each wants from the other and from a possible future relationship. They just assume the other person feels as they do and wants what they want. Then, when one partner betrays the other, there is shock and disbelief because they never saw it coming. I suspect this is an experience you can relate to.
The best way to not end up with a "bad girl" is to know what you must have in a relationship and what you can't live without. Everything else is a matter of compromise and weighing the positive and negative traits that you will find present in all women (and men). You know you can't tolerate someone who cheats, lies, etc. Now you must teach yourself to look for these traits before getting involved and learn to walk away when this is the healthy thing for you to do.
If my hunch regarding your story is correct, you are grieving. The second stage of grief is anger, and if it goes unresolved it can fester and take over. You need to get your feelings out, get support and do some healing before you even consider a new involvement. Relationship readiness requires among other things, that you deal with unresolved past traumas and issues. So, please get the help you need and allow yourself to heal. You will know you are ready to try again when you can really see all the great ladies out there who are in search of someone to love.
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Toni Coleman, LCSW
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