Let’s look at what this show offers. Besides raging hormones, we have the assorted characters with all their personal drama, acting out and hooking up. What is most interesting (in my view) are the interactions between various individuals and the games that a number of them are playing in order to walk away with a nice sum of money at the end. We have witnessed emotional blackmail, ganging up, and back stabbing- behaviors which (sadly) are far more prevalent among the women. How many souls will be sold in order to stay? There are also the “couples,” and would be couples among the group. I find myself sympathizing with several characters (mainly Jessie K- run honey, she is trouble). Then there are the ones who are a bit much- Tenly for instance. Her persona is sweet, but is she really as innocent and defenseless as she appears? And WHY do a number of the women follow Elizabeth so loyally? Perhaps they buy her act about being mistreated by Jesse and identify due to their own past dating experiences. One thing is for sure-this is truly a dysfunctional TV “family.”

So what benefit could a viewer get from watching it other than entertainment? It’s unclear, but perhaps we can hold the behaviors up like a mirror to ourselves and look for traits we share and that we could work on eliminating. Or maybe the audience should leave comments on various blog forums, cheering on the singles who do the right thing even if it leads to their elimination. Who knows? The network may decide to come up with a version of the Bachelors/Bachelorettes who demonstate the most decency, restraint, compassion and friendliness to others. A version of “the Good Wife,” only it would be “the good single.”

From the time her father took office, Chelsea’s privacy was carefully guarded. Even during her mother’s run for office, she attempted to keep a fairly low profile, only coming out of the shadows when it became clear her mom had some serious competition. With her Dad being a very popular ex-president and her mom being the present Secretary of State, Chelsea has a celebrity status, and the public wants to know all about her.

Add to this the dimension of an interfaith wedding. The had a rabbi and minister, a Chuppa - and Mark wore a yarmulke and broke the glass under his heel after they took their vows, and the bride and groom and parents of both were lifted into chairs as they sang and danced at the ceremony. No doubt, they had both Old and New Testament readings as well. This integration of two faiths was so smooth and seamless that it appears at least on the surface that their mixed marriage will be as easy to navigate as well. Maybe, maybe not. Remember the last interfaith wedding of the daughter of a high profile politician? Al and tipper Gore’s daughter Karenna separated recently from her spouse and father of their three kids after 10 years of a seemingly good marriage. Did mixed faiths have anything to do with it? One can only speculate.

Statistics say that couples who enter mixed marriage have a 60% higher probability of being divorced. That’s a sobering number. Is it that they can’t agree on or truly embrace each other’s beliefs/traditions, or is it something even harder to define? As a catholic who has been married only once for 22 years to someone who is Jewish, I have more insights than most relationship coaches do. Even so, I believe that every relationship is different and that there is no one cause behind this statistic. I do know that we cannot predict how we will be changed by marriage, and especially by becoming parents- and I think that those experiences challenge our most deeply held beliefs and bring us back to our roots more than any other life changes we may experience.

If we could all see the wedding day as only a Beginning, instead of an End unto itself, we would probably make more careful thought out choices. No, we can’t predict how we may change as we move through our life stages- but we can have an honest and deep felt discussion with ourselves about our beliefs, our hopes and expectations for family life and parenthood- and carefully examine any reservations or prejudices we may encounter along the way. A lifetime is a long time indeed. This is truly one of the most important decisions we make- ever. It should not be based on a fantasy fueled by chemistry, peer pressure, and/ or a belief that we want the same thing as our potential mate, without ever having the conversation ahead of time.

Ali was frequently filmed throughout the show sharing her strong attraction AND feelings for Roberto. However, she second guessed her feelings a lot. She described him as “too good looking,” and “smooth,” and shared that in her experience guys like this were too good to be true. Apparently not this time. Chris is a sweetheart, in fact many of the guys were just plain “good guys.” Chris is handsome, sincere and…a little skittish. Funny that only Ali’s Dad seemed to pick up on this when they talked. Chris was certainly in love with the idea of a great relationship, family, kids, etc. He talked about one brother being married, the other engaged. It seemed as though he had set a time frame for himself and was trying to meet it. Then, along came this beautiful, sweet girl who met his criteria. But, was he really into Ali or into having a relationship? I thought the latter, so did Ali’s dad.

Chris, if you are reading this, keep looking and keep yourself open to the possibility. You seem to need some more time, so take it. When the right woman comes along, you will know it- and you won’t have to move too fast or feel the pressure to win her before someone else does. This is the element to this show that (in my judgment) leads to too many sad endings. There is an unreal competition and an unreal experience of each other. Those who end up together under these circumstances had chance working on their side- timing and chance.

I predict that Ali and Roberto will make it. They have the three elements of relationship chemistry working for them. Physical attraction, friendship, and intellectual chemistry. They are great together. I love a happy ending, don’t you?

Ali looked good. There was a sense that she is not coupled at the present time. I have absolutely nothing to base this on except what she didn’t say and that she wasn’t “glowing” as past contestants have been before the big reveal. Instead, she seemed a little nervous and almost giddy (flirty) upon encountering her former suitors.

Before I get to Frank, I want to interject my acknowledgment that I am indeed late with my observations. I was out of the country (in Russia and Czech republic with my hubby), and am playing catch up all around. Now, about Frank… I know the guys defended him and made a clear distinction between his exit and “the wrestler,” but I’m not completely buying it. Frank, if you are reading this- don’t give up your day job. Your performance was less than convincing- as was that of your “ex” girlfriend. I realize I’m a bit alone here, but my gut tells me he went on the show to make contacts. He admits to dropping out of his regular life and moving to Europe to become a writer. It can’t hurt to get the exposure this show offers. Just look at all the past characters who gained fame and lucrative gigs and/or went to great lengths to be on the show in order to get these.
I would love to believe that true love can be found on a show such as this. However, what is missing is reality- and the necessary ingredients for creating a ‘real” relationship. My suggestion to the show’s producers is to revamp the program. At the end of the season, the bachelor or bachelorette and their chosen candidate should agree to BEGIN an exclusive courtship- to last 3-6 months to see if they are indeed, a good match with the potential for something more.

Wonder what next week will bring???

Take for instance the American religious identification survey that was done in 2001. It found that interfaith marriages were three times more likely to end in divorce than marriages between individuals who shared the same religion. More recent studies have come to similar conclusions- showing a larger % of divorce occurring in marriages where couples come from different faith backgrounds. All this occurring in a changing culture where surveys have found that a large percentage of younger people describe themselves as not religious or not having a specific religion and who don’t feel religion is an important factor in choosing a mate.

So what’s up? My own experience coupled with years of working with interfaith couples has taught me that the idea of marriage, children and a shared life is very different from the reality. It sounds like a non-issue to someone who is young and has not yet been tested. When marriage and children come along, family traditions and beliefs, cultural identification, and lifelong rituals take on a new meaning that can be shocking to someone who thought they were “open-minded” and “flexible” about giving up something that is part of their identity.

With the growing rate of interfaith dating and marriage, what should individuals do to avoid becoming a statistic? To begin with, they need to be brutally honest with themselves (political correctness has no place here), and give careful thought to what it would mean for THEM to fall in love with someone of a very different faith. If they meet someone like this and believe they have found the one- they should test this out through candid sharing of feelings and an open discussion centering on what they must have and what is negotiable in a future marriage/family life.

It’s probably not fair to assume that anyone would make all the right decisions when being thrown into a situation where they are presented with 24 potential mates and left to choose their life partner by season’s end. The pressure must be extreme, not to mention the logistics of trying to get to know each one, working to find and make a connection- then leave them reassured that they shouldn’t read too much into the time and affection that will be given to their competition. Whew, it’s exhausting just thinking about it. Throw in the behind the scenes scripting, tweaking, and manipulating of network staff- and it’s easy to understand why folks see little reality in reality dating shows.

But Ali, what DO you see in some of these guys you have kept? Is it your desire to make sure they get enough time to reveal their true selves? Is it that you were neutral in your feelings for them, and less than neutral for the guys you sent home? Do feelings and hang-ups you have brought along from your “Bachelor” days play a role? Perhaps you fear being blinded by Mr. Wrong as you believe Jake was by Ms Wrong.

Well, you did read Craig right, but how could anyone not have read his strange body language towards you correctly? You were able to see past the glasses and overly eager smile on Frank’s face and chose him for a surprisingly great first date, so you must have been able to see that there was more to him then met the eye. You were clearly attracted to Jesse, but had the presence of mind to wonder if there could be anything of substance between you. All of these choices do demonstrate that you are not letting your libido run away with your judgment and common sense.

So what happens tonight? Who will stay and who will go? It’s hard to predict with complete accuracy, but I’d bet that Roberto and Chris L will be keepers. I know I’ll be watching and cheering you on. Who knows- you may beat the reality dating show odds and end up with the real and permanent thing.

First came the personal ad experts who could help singles market themselves in their best, true light. Full disclosure requires that I fess up to having been one of these e-scribes for a well known company, and now I continue doing this through consum-mate.com. These experts helped with everything from pictures to short questions- to writing an essay that would attract the right kind of attention from a larger number of compatible singles.

Then some singles began asking for help with sending and answering those important first emails. But why stop with those? Now, there are folks who want someone to handle all their online (dating site) correspondence- citing that they don’t have the time to do it themselves and/or are not skilled communicators. What next- first dates surrogates? The possibilities are many, and creative entrepreneurial types will rush to fill the need.

If you are a single adult who has had “no luck” with online dating, you may want to consider investing in a little help with your self-marketing. A little tweaking here and re-writing there could help you attract the kind of people you seek- and take those attractions from cyber space to that important first face to face encounter. From there, you will be on your own, so make sure that the tone and tempo of the ad and any emails written for you are true to your own voice and personality style. Oh, and don’t forget that the compelling essay that you felt an emotional connection with may have been written by someone other than that attractive stranger pictured alongside it.

Monique is a 40 something, very attractive, professional, never married female, who had practically lost all hope that she would ever meet that right someone for her. Her dating history was sketchy- she had long periods when she did not date at all, and had never had a serious relationship. Her online profile drew virtually no responses for over a year, and the guys she heard from offered nothing of what she was looking for. Should you be thinking that perhaps she was being too critical- I can tell you as her dating coach that she was not. These guys had NOTHING in common with her, were the wrong age, lived at great distances, etc.

We worked together on her profile, and on finding interesting local resources that would bring her into contact with more singles- men and women. She had a limited support group of women who were in and out of relationships, often unavailable, and struggling with issues that got in the way of maintaining healthy and mutually supportive friendships. Monique found a great women’s group on Meetup. They were all similar in age and marital status- and shared many of the same interests. They participated in fun local activities together, went on trips- and provided support and encouragement in each other’s lives.

Monique began to feel better about her self in general, and with a good support system in place, she was more ready to step back out onto the dating front with a resolve to try new things and go beyond her comfort zone. After some disappointing months online, she began to get winks and emails from guys she found interesting. As often happens in online dating, some wrote for a while, and then dropped off the radar screen- and there were also a number that she had a first date with, that did not lead to a second. However, she continued to tweak her profile, trying new information, headlines and pictures- and hit pay dirt a few months ago.

She responded to a profile and later told me she couldn’t remember why. Nothing in particular stood out, but she decided to go for it anyway. We had worked on this, as she was always hesitant to respond to a profile when she felt neutral. Neutral is a place that many good relationships begin from- and we had discussed this. Long story shorter, they lived very close to one another, are the same age, work in similar fields, and come from similar family backgrounds. Maybe that provided an unconscious attraction to Monique.

It’s been several months, and Monique expresses a lot of comfort with him and where they are/are going. Of note, is that she used to focus on how uncomfortable she felt on her dates. Either she is doing something differently, he is a much better fit for her- or she is now ready for a real relationship but was not before. It could also be a combination of some or all of these.

The lessons from this tale are about having a good social support system in place, having your work and personal lives in order- and be willing to keep trying new things, in spite of the disappointments and dating stories that people will love to share with you along the way.

As a trained and experienced couples therapist/relationship expert/married woman, I know the difference that good counseling can make to a couple who is struggling with a tough issue (s). I also know the damage that can result when the wrong therapist/interventions are utilized, or help is sought too late. This show exposes sensitive and private issues/feelings for the purpose or entertainment and profit- and leaves the couple with their guts spilled out- wounded and in need of more help then before they came on the show. Fans often endow celebrities with qualities and talents that they do not possess. This makes the celebrity powerful- and their words and opinions carry a lot of weight. Therefore, their feedback to these couples could spell disaster for their relationships because it is reckless conjecture that can negatively influence their feelings, perceptions and beliefs about themselves, each other and their marriage- and leave them too wounded to seek the kind of professional help they need.

If you are looking for a few good laughs or just some light entertainment, rent a movie or find an old classic on cable. This show is not only NOT FUNNY, it is downright depressing. If you tune in and find yourself laughing, I know a really good therapist I can refer you to…

Epstein was himself part of such an experiment- and they fell in love. However, she was from another country and eventually the logistics made it nearly impossible to sustain the relationship. Perhaps absence does not make the heart grow fonder- and that the opposite is indeed true. Hummmm…

Dr. Epstein is also studying arranged marriages and the statistics that detail their rates of satisfaction, longevity and rate of divorce. His research so far shows that these marriages have a better track record than the ones that are a result of old fashioned falling in love. We can debate why this is true- but it certainly is something to think about.

It’s a refreshing thought that perhaps falling in love is not as dependent upon good luck and/or the right timing and circumstances, as we have all been taught to believe. Maybe, just maybe, it is possible to CHOOSE who you will love and spend a lifetime with. Consider this the next time you set out to a club, party, group activity- or to pursue your day to day activities. That stranger may not look your type- but if they have some interest, true love could be around the corner.