Once again the topic of married couples sleeping apart is being discussed. This past week on NBC’s Nightly News there was a segment on it—which was probably prompted in part by the latest research on sleep deprivation and its impact on both our physical and emotional health. Getting a good night’s sleep is critical to longevity, good health, fighting disease and good brain health which impacts our thinking and emotions—not to mention our relationships.
Apparently over 25% of couples are now sleeping in separate beds or rooms. This number is reported to have risen in recent years as the rate of sleep disorders has also risen. There is an epidemic of sleep disorders out there—and they can take the shape of difficulty falling asleep, difficulty staying asleep, frequent nighttime wakening, apnea, staying up too late, and/or using electronic devices too close to bedtime or turning them on when awakened during the night. All of these will result in not getting enough hours of sleep—especially those quality hours of deep sleep in which we dream heavily and our brains get to work excreting toxins and doing important repairs.
So why are couples separating at night? Sharing a bed can lead to being awakened by a spouse who snores, gets up frequently to go to the bathroom, is sick, is a light sleeper who tosses and turns, who snores, and/or uses their device in bed, impacting their partner with the light it gives off. Some of these can be addressed through changing behavior, but others are more complicated and may require seeing a Doctor and/or sleep specialist to address the problem.
I recommend to couples struggling with this that they begin with an open discussion, sharing ideas on what they can do to resolve it. Everything from having an agreement that the bedroom will be a no electronic zone, to having separate top sheets and blankets, to changing which side of the bed they sleep on, to changing their mattress to something larger or one that accommodates their different sleep needs. If one has apnea and/or is a heavy snorer, seeing a doctor is a must. There are many new treatments that can help sufferers get a better night’s sleep. The key is that the couple can work together on the problem and both be willing to make adjustments. If they decide it just isn’t workable, sleeping apart may be a necessity for them as going without sleep will lead to increased tension, anger and fighting, and could lead to serious marital discord.
If sleeping in separate beds, they can spend some time together in one before falling asleep. If separate rooms, they can spend time together in one in order to spend intimate time together. If weekends allow them to sleep in, they could do overnights if they desire. The key here is not to assume if you or someone you know is sleeping apart that it is the end of the relationship. Intimacy—both emotional and physical is shared throughout the day and there is plenty of time for couples to have it together. The bed is primarily for sleep—and since it’s a critical part of a healthy life, it’s important to ensure your partner is getting theirs. Sweet dreams.
