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The Art Of Intimacy
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December 2002
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WELCOME
Thanksgiving has passed, Hanukkah is here; and Christmas, New Years (and other significant holidays) are around the corner. Phew, the mad race is on! Remember, there is only a month left to the busiest season of the year. Now is the time to draw a deep breath and slow down and pace yourself as you move through the few short weeks ahead. Make sure you provide for your basic needs of rest, healthy food and nurturance. Don't forget the importance of support from friends and your larger social milieu. Most importantly, don't take your meeting and dating goals off your list of priorities. Rather, make time to bask in this season of miracles and magic. The featured article that follows will provide tips to help you have a happy and healthy season. New (CLRT), Creating Lasting Relationship Training groups are forming. Invest one hour a week for eight weeks in your relationship goals! Go now to http://www.consum-mate.com and get your new year off to a great start. Or, after the New Year, Consum-mate will be offering one-session email courses on a variety of important relationship topics. Stay tuned for details in coming newsletter issues. Thanks to all of you who have subscribed to The Art of Intimacy. The subscription list is growing and growing, thanks to all of you. A special thanks if you have forwarded this newsletter to a friend or acquaintance.
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
"If we are incapable of finding peace in ourselves, it is pointless to search elsewhere.
FEATURED ARTICLE: HANDLING HOLIDAY STRESS- TEN TIPS FOR SINGLES
Here we go again. Presents to buy, work to finish up, cards to write, plans to make, events and parties to attend: and all those things we "must do" because we've always done them.
Does this sound familiar? Do you go to sleep at night with the feeling that you are hopelessly behind schedule, yet have made good use (overuse) of your time? Do you experience even a small measure of dread as you approach this season, and a large measure of relief when it's all over? Most importantly, are you savoring any of the lovely sights, sounds, smells and feelings that are unique to this time of year; or are you just too tired and rushed to even notice? If this describes you, you are probably suffering from holiday stress. Compounding this is the widely held belief that this is just the way it has to be, and that your task is to just get through it.
The following tips are designed to give you a new perspective on this all too common problem. Read on, and see if you can make some small behavior changes/additions that could result in a lot less stress and a lot more enjoyment in the weeks ahead.
1. If you have a fairly sizeable family/extended family to shop for, your level of monetary, time and emotional stress can be very high. Therefore, consider approaching your family about your present tradition of gift exchanging. Growing in popularity is the system of drawing one name (of one family member) to buy a nice gift for. Everyone in the family receives one gift that another member had the time (and budget) to choose well. If your family is resistant, you could opt for two gifts per person, or some other compromise.
2. Try a new tradition of having a shopping day with friends (or family). Draw up your list, head for a nice mall or town center with great little shops (even better) and make it a day of shopping, lunch and lattes. You could finish with a late afternoon movie!
3. Consider on-line shopping. This is a great way to save time and get free gift-wrapping without the lines and headaches. It also allows more time for you to choose just the right gift for each person. You can have them mailed to you or sent to whatever address they will eventually be going to.
4. If you send cards, consider after Christmas cards or New Year's cards. Why rush to send them before Christmas? The folks who receive them will have more time to focus on your news after Christmas, and may even find it more fun to receive something in the mail during the quiet "let down" period that follows each holiday.
5. Try to plan a few extra days off right before or during the December-January holidays. Even one extra day could be useful to pack, get an early start on travel, finish up last minute chores or errands, or catch up on sleep and R&R. We often mistakenly assume we will feel more rushed and behind if we take down time- the reverse is actually what occurs.
6. Do an inventory of your must-do. After you make your list, go through each one and ask yourself is this activity really gives you pleasure or serves your needs or the needs of a loved one. Cross off any that don't answer yes to the above question. Make sure you are not doing things out of rote because that's the way it has always been. If you have one or two you are unsure of, put them at the end of your list of priorities. This way, you can get to them if you have time after you have done the things you know will be of value to you.
7. Consider having a cleaning service come in at least once during the next month. Imagine the extra time (and lowered stress) you would have if someone else cleaned your bathroom and kitchen, washed your floors, dusted your furniture, etc. What a nice gift to give yourself!
8. Arrange to have a massage, facial, manicure or other spa treatment. These are wonderful stress relievers. They are especially nice late in the day at the end of a hectic few days. Afterwards, you can go out for a quiet meal or go home and get some things done and then get a restful night's sleep.
9. Make sure you are doing some kind of regular exercise. This should be part of your life 52 weeks of the year. However, during high stress periods, it is more important. It is a fact that exercise increases energy and positive self-esteem and decreases depression. It is also a way to improve sleep and keep your weight in check.
10. Try to get some extra sleep. You will probably have to begin decompressing a little sooner than usual on those nights. Don't eat dinner too late, or eat anything too heavy. Avoid alcohol those nights. Get ready for bed and lie down with a good book or in front of a favorite show. If you exercised earlier, this will help you to be more relaxed and ready to sleep. Even one hour three times a week will make a difference in your mood and energy level.
Read these suggestions over carefully and consider which ones might be useful to you. After you have begun to implement them; take a deep breath, sit back, and drink in some of the lovely sights, sounds and smells of this cherished season.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. I always go through the period before the holidays in a huge rush. Every year, I tell myself I'd like to do this or that, but I seem to be short of time, money and energy- and I don't follow through. Is it realistic to think I can really change this pattern, given my work demands and all my other responsibilities?
A. Yes, I believe it is very possible to make the changes you are describing. It will require three things; planning, prioritizing and setting good limits. You need to sit down and DECIDE what is most important to you. Make sure you are choosing, not just acting blindly. Once you have done this, you will need to let go of some things or do them differently or at a different time. This is where limit setting comes in. Be open to letting go in order to free up time, energy and money to do those things you want to do- but never get to. Begin today, and have a more peaceful and stress-free holiday.
Q. I have difficulty knowing what I want (in general) or identifying what is really important to me. I often have the sense that I have few interests and can't come up with a list of holiday musts for myself. Is there just something wrong with me? Is it just that I don't like the holidays?
A. I think the very fact that you asked the question leaves open the possibility that you don't understand your own feelings or have difficulty tuning into them. The reasons for this can be many and may have origins that go back to holidays past. However, you do not have to do a long and searching examination of your past to make some immediate changes. Get in a quiet position, free of other distractions, and let your mind wander to thoughts of the holiday. Let this be a "free association" of your thoughts. Do this for ten minutes or less. Then immediately write down the thoughts you had. Some examples might be- holiday music, a Christmas movie or play, opening gifts with family or a significant other, going to a holiday display, etc. Try to connect with the feeling that went with each image. Now write down what you think matters most to you, in order of priority. Now right a brief action plan for each- (i.e.) buy ticket (s) to a local theatre for A Christmas Carol. Remember to pay close attention to anything that comes up as a "must do". This may be one you do because you feel you are supposed to. If so, you can put it aside and replace it with a new activity or tradition of your own choosing. This activity will not lead to a sudden and complete change in your feelings around the holidays, but should be a nice first step that leads to more satisfaction and fun this year (and in the years ahead).
END NOTES
This issue was designed to provide you with a primer for a fulfilling and peaceful holiday season. The key to this is to lower your stress while raising your level of positive energy and excitement. Take some time today to make your wish list, begin implementing your plans and tune in to what is most important to you. Have a restful and peaceful few weeks and Happy Holidays.
If you would like more feedback and guidance to help you in planning for your holiday, contact Toni@consum-mate.com. New CLRT classes are being formed. Meet with other singles and acquire the tools and knowledge needed to build your lasting intimate relationship.
CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com
© Copyright 2002 Antoinette Coleman. AAll rights reserved. Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information.
Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.
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© copyright 2002, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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Consum-mateSM
703-847-1768
toni@consum-mate.com