Relationship Advice and Coaching For Singles Wanting True Love

Consum-mate: Helping Singles Create Lasting, Intimate Relationships

The Art Of Intimacy
A newsletter for searching singles

The value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy and intimacy creates understanding and understanding creates love. - Anais Nin

September 2002
In This Issue


Quote of the Month

Feature: What Are You Passionate About?

Frequently Asked Questions

End Notes


As summer comes near to its end; it's time to put away the beach towels, coolers, beach umbrellas, this year's beach music, the pool pass, those summer reading novels and the slower, more relaxed (I'll take care of it tomorrow) pace of life. Now we begin to boot up again for our jobs and for the attainment of our personal goals and needs. Central to these is that desire to be intimately connected to another as we approach the holidays and the cold, dark days of winter. At Consum-mate we hope to give you a boost and some inspiration as you focus yourself on the task of creating your perfect soulmate relationship. We would also like to provide your friends and acquaintances with this same inspiration, so a special thanks if you have forwarded this newsletter to someone you know.



Love's journey would be terrifying if we didn't have passion to give us courage- the blind courage of lovers, it is often called.

Deepak Chopra

FEATURED ARTICLE: What Are You Passionate About?

What are you passionate about? Is this a question you ask yourself or is it one of those reflective ones that you never have the time and quiet to focus on? Do you have difficulty defining what passion means to you? Is it hard to imagine things, beliefs or ideas that stir your soul and take your feelings to a deeper level?

Begin by taking a brief respite from your daily responsibilities and drudgery. Sit (or lie down) in a quiet, comfortable or favorite place. Put on music that inspires you or if outside, let the sounds of the natural world fill your consciousness. Then close your eyes and ask yourself to SEE what is beautiful and sacred to you- what you value most dearly and would be incomplete without. If you fully open yourself up to this process, many images could come flowing into your thoughts. No doubt they will revolve around your family, creative and spiritual lives.

If you are beginning to feel stirred by these thoughts it is because you are getting in touch with your true nature. This may be something you have difficulty doing as you live in the roles you have chosen or that appear to have been chosen for you. While in these roles you may feel confined and unable to see the joy that is possible for you. Until you can learn to step outside these spiritual confines and transform the thoughts and behaviors that accompany them you risk feeling trapped in a life that never reaches the level of fulfillment and contentment that knowing your true nature would allow you to achieve.

Try imagining your perfect life. What key elements would need to be present? Most likely they would be central to having a healthy intimate relationship, work that satisfies you, a home that offers rest and comfort, interests that excite and challenge you and help you to connect in meaningful ways with others and an inner life that gives you joy and guides you through the rough times that lay ahead. In each of these areas of your being lie your passions. Get in touch with them, nurture them, and grow them into realities as you move through your life. They will give you insight, courage and the right map to follow as you decide which road is best for you and with whom you want to travel it.



Q. Often I have trouble knowing what I really want for my life or admitting I want it, even to myself. This is especially true about relationships. Is this a common problem?

A. As a matter of fact, I often hear this from people I am coaching. There can be an unconscious fear of failure or of others thinking less of you when you encounter problems or rejection in a relationship. Of course, it is central to our existence to experience a measure of pain and loss, especially in the most personal and vulnerable areas of our lives. If it didn't matter so much it wouldn't hurt so badly. Therein lies your passion. So you could then conclude that it is impossible to be passionate about something or someone and not be opening yourself up to the pain that accompanies it. This leads to the "not knowing" and "not admitting" what we truly desire and need in order to be whole. It's your way of defending against possible pain. So, you need to ask yourself; is having what you value most dearly worth the risk of the possible hurt that may result from it? Most of us would answer honestly that it is.

Q. What if having a relationship or a certain kind of relationship is just not attainable for me?

A. You need to ask yourself WHY it isn't attainable. Are you basing this belief on your past experiences with relationships? If so, some reality testing is needed here. Your past is just that. What you need to do is ask yourself the hard questions about what happened and why. For instance, was there a problem with the way you approached meeting and dating available people? Or perhaps you ignored your inner longings and voices and pursued or accepted relationships that were missing your key elements for a successful match. Once you ask and answer these kinds of questions honestly, you may very well let go of your negative beliefs.



Hopefully this issue will help you to jump-start your new season resolve to pursue your goals and dreams. As you settle into your fall routines; try to make time to identify your passions and grow them into a life that has true meaning, purpose and fulfillment for you. Know your passions for there you will find your heart song.

Wherever you are in your process of finding and creating your perfect intimate relationship; you may feel the need for guidance, feedback and support.

Toni offers a free "lets see what this is like" session to help you decide if the coaching path is right for you.

Send Toni an email at and begin your journey to your lasting intimate relationship.



Toni Coleman, LCSW
Phone: 703-847-1768


Copyright 2002 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved. Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information. However, you may not copy it to a web site.

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