The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for those seeking relationship help.

Welcome

Now that summer is ending, I hope that you have been able to take that much needed vacation, or perhaps a staycation filled with down time, sleeping in and a few activities that you never get to indulge in otherwise. Even if you live in a city or busy suburb, there should be many resources near you for camping, water sports and/or fun play. So, take your much-needed comp or vacation time for rest, relaxation and reflection. before the new season arrives.

This month?s article was written as a response to all the email I get asking for help in how to tell someone you have met and/or dated a few times- that they are not the one. You know, when the chemistry just isn?t there due to a lack of physical attraction, conflicting personality styles, very different interests and/or any of the many factors that we use to judge compatibility. If you are one of the many people who have encountered this, read on for some useful tips to handle this most difficult part of dating.

If you need more help with dating consider coaching. We have a great deal of experience in helping people meet, date and create healthy and lasting relationships. Go to http://www.consum-mate.com for details on how Consum-mate can help you. We also offer eclasses that provide help with meeting, dating and effective relationship communication. These can be found at:
http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm

If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating and relationship advice, you can find these on: http://www.consum-mate.com/articleindex.php Whatever you relationship needs, we can help you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.

A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a single friend or loved one who may be in need of some relationship building help and advice.

Quote of the Month

"A lie may take care of the present, but it has no future."
Author Unknown

Featured Article: How do you tell Him/Her they are not "the one"?

You met online and had a great email exchange for a week. Then you called her and the two of you really clicked. You (mentally) built up the potential for a real relationship with her as you agreed to get together for that first date. The day came, you met for lunch, and it went downhill from there. She looked "different" than you had expected or remembered, the conversation felt strained and/or you were uncomfortable and anxious to get it over with. As the date came to a close and she told you she had a nice time, you were at a loss for words. What should you have said? After all, you didn't want to hurt her feelings.

This scenario plays itself out frequently in the meeting and dating world. Boy meets girl in cyber space, on a chance encounter or perhaps through mutual friends. Both people have an interest in going out and getting to know each other. However, after one or more dates, one individual feels good about their connection and the other decides the chemistry just isn't right. When this happens, the person who is not interested in pursuing the relationship is left to make a choice of how (if) to tell the other person that they are not the one.

Let me begin with a list of (all too common) examples that illustrate what you should never utter:

* Say you had a good time and that you will call her later- then never call.
* Tell him you had a good time but will be very busy for a few weeks and will email when your schedule allows.
* Make tentative plans for later in the week, but never call and/or respond to phone messages or emails.
* Agree to a date next week and then not call or show up as planned.

You may now be thinking, "OK, so if I don't use one of the above, what can I do to avoid being hurtful and/or having to potentially deal with an unpleasant scene?" The short answer is that there is no right way to let someone down and avoid the painful feelings and emotional fallout that come with rejection. The reality is that someone will be hurt and disappointed. This is the risk we assume when we open ourselves up to new relationship possibilities.

However, you can make the rejection less painful and a little easier on both of you when you are gently honest and avoid offering false hope and/or giving mixed messages. The following examples are things you should do:

* Make the lack of a right connection between the two of you THE issue. This means don't point out things that are WRONG with him/her as the reasons for your lack of interest.
* Emphasize the importance for both of you to find that right person to build a relationship with.
* Avoid any mixed messages such as, " I am very attracted to you and think we could have something special, but I just have too much going on in my life right now?"
* Be clear that you will not change your mind, become available at a later time or develop an interest if the other person changes themselves to better suit your needs and wants.
* Allow the other person to ask questions and express their feelings. Then answer their questions honestly as this will help them to feel respected, know they have been heard and to get closure, which will allow them to move on more easily.

Most of all think about how YOU would want to be treated if the situation were reversed. Would you want to be lied to and led on? Not only would you be wasting your time, you would also be at risk of developing a false belief that there is something wrong with you that causes you to be undesirable and/or unable to form and sustain a healthy, intimate relationship.

End Notes

This month?s article was written in response to the tons of mail I get on this subject. Hopefully, it will help everyone handle that end of first date tension that results when two people just don?t click and no one wants to deal with it.

If you would like more help with your communication skills, contact Toni@consum-mate.com. We have years of experience in helping people to create healthy dating lives, which lead to successful and satisfying relationships. Don?t wait. Get out there and create the relationship that will take you into the shorter, darker days ahead.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

© Copyright 2008-2015 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.

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