Consum-mate

July 2014
In This Issue

Welcome

Quote of the Month

Featured Article: The confusing "Grey" messages that women send

End Notes

Immerse yourself in dating and relationship news. Read the coach's "Relationship News and All That Blog.

The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for those seeking relationship help.

The value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy
and intimacy creates understanding and understanding creates love. - Anais Nin

Welcome

Happy mid-summer everyone. Hope all of you are taking time out for R&R that will give you a real break from your usual routines and responsibilities.

All this week cyberspace has been lit up with talk about the newly released trailer for the movie that is soon to follow--Shades of Grey. If you are one of the few people on the planet who don't know the story, you may want to do a little back end research before you read my latest article (below). I talk about the confusing messages this story stirs up--after all, we are in a post feminism era where women have achieved liberation and equality. So, why do they swoon over the likes of Christian grey? Men certainly don't have the answers--and indeed, this attraction to a controlling and dominating man (not to mention one on the S end of S&M) can certainly be confusing. Read on for my thoughts on the topic.

Our dating and relationship articles are very popular and offer a wealth of practical advice. You can find these on the left menu at http://www.consum-mate.com/ We are always adding more articles so check back frequently. Feel free to visit our media page at http://www.consum-mate.com/newsroom.htm where we keep a sample of our media quotes.

If you want to check me out on Twitter, you can find me there at https://twitter.com/CoachToni Examples of my media quotes can be found on: http://www.consum-mate.com/newsroom/in-news.php I was quoted in the Wall Street Journal's Bonds column this week and you can find the piece at: http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB20001424052702304356804580057220730624274

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Quote of the Month

"I gasp, and I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, and he's the serpent, and I cannot resist."
-- E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey


Featured Article: The confusing "Grey" messages that women send

Dear Toni-

I'm a single guy in my early thirties--attractive, physically fit, and successful in my career. I have an online profile and have met several women that way. I also meet women through friends, at bars--and sometimes just randomly in my neighborhood. I do date, but not a lot. This is due to the fact that it's hard for me to attract the women I am really interested in dating. If I do get a date with someone I am excited about it usually seems to go fairly well--and she often expresses an interest in seeing me again. Then, when I follow-up, she may be hard to connect with or just unavailable. I think it's safe to say that I am a nice guy, a gentleman, definitely not geeky or nerdy--yet women don't seem to be into nice.

What is very confusing to me is trying to figure out what women are thinking and what they want. I think I just have trouble getting them. They say they want equality, to be independent--and even enjoy taking the lead in relationships. Yet, when I or other guys I know relate to women this way--they seem less interested in us than in the "bad boys." I know this sounds like sour grapes, but I really don't get it.

A recent example that has me completely floored is the popularity of the book, Shades of Grey. I confess that I haven?t read it and don't know any guys who have--which might be part of the problem. What I know about the story is that Mr. Grey is a controlling, dominant and even abusive guy who seeks out women for an S&M relationship. I probably need to read up on those too, because I'm not completely sure what they entail. Women friends say it's painful pleasure. OK--if they say so.

What I take from all this is that women are saying one thing, but want something else--at least my logical, thinking self sees it this way. Maybe it's just about the apparently great sex and the fact that he is wealthy, good-looking, blah, blah, blah. I would really like to get your thoughts/take on what the attraction to Mr. Grey is--and what women REALLY want from men

--Too Nice to be Attractive

Dear Too Nice to be Attractive-

I don't know if it helps--but I feel your pain. You are confused because women are sending out mixed messages like missiles--and they can be very destructive to any good intentions a man might have in asking a woman out and getting to know her.

I am going to answer your questions in two parts. First, this attraction to Mr. Grey and what he represents is a symptom of a larger issue. Since the rise of feminism, women have been taking on new roles, asserting themselves much more in school, at work and in their relationships. Younger women especially have been raised to believe that being equal to a man involves being able to compete and take on the same goals, attitudes and behaviors as their male counterparts. So, being successful, well educated, tough, aggressive, open and free about their sexuality--and even taking the lead sexually is what women believe is expected by men and by others around them. Failure to do so would make them weak, passive, out of touch, less desirable--and they believe they couldn't compete in any arena with their female counterparts. Everyone else is doing it--so it must be the right thing to do, right?

While several of the above have no real down side, like being well educated, smart and assertive--some of the others do. Like in the way women deal with sexuality in dating. They are hooking up with multiple partners and sending out the message that they are only interested in having a good time, and having it with a number of men. These hook-ups can also lead to confusion, mixed messages and even accusations of sexual abuse if a woman starts out communicating yes to a guy, changes her mind mid-stream--and the guy either misses the message, misinterprets her meaning, or discards her objections.

Take it from a dating coach--there are a lot of unhappy, liberated women out there. Some hook-ups are a desire for attention and validation--which casual sex offers for the length of the encounter. They want more but even the thought of stepping back, saying no, looking for men to actually date as opposed to hook-up with--is something that they believe they can't do. If she says no to a guy she is interested in--some other woman will happily say yes. How can she compete with that? If she expresses vulnerability and the desire for a relationship, she may fear being labelled as someone looking for a man to take care of her or someone who will never be the equal of men. As long as women continue to act against their instincts and deeper wishes, they will continue to experience this disappointment--and men will continue to be confused.

How does Christian Grey fit into all this? He is the successful, sexy, aggressive, strong guy who will sweep in and take charge--letting her know she is the only one and he wants her, body and soul. A bit dramatic I know--but read the book, it's all in there. It's really NOT nearly as much about the sex as all the hype would suggest. After all, hooking up leads to many first time, steamy sexual encounters--that leave women and men feeling unfulfilled and looking for the next fix. With Christian and Ana, every time is like the first time, and it's all about how he makes her feel. With Christian, Ana is weak, vulnerable, dominated, and even dependent. No wonder the feminists want to burn this book and boycott the movie.


End Notes

This month's article was written to help any male readers to better understand the missed messages that women often give--and to help women readers to see the other side of this issue--and consider the possibility of getting what they really want by putting it out there, openly and honestly, for men to see and respond to. If the young guys I meet and know are any indication--women are really going about finding relationships in the wrong way.

If you would like more focused and personalized help with meeting and dating- email us at lifechangecoach@verizon.net Also feel free to browse the site and read the many columns and articles archived there. We look forward to hearing from you and offering any assistance we can.



CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

 


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