Consum-mate

November 2014
In This Issue

Welcome

Quote of the Month

Featured Article: Lonely in a crowded world

End Notes

Immerse yourself in dating and relationship news. Read the coach's "Relationship News and All That Blog.

The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for those seeking relationship help.

The value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy
and intimacy creates understanding and understanding creates love. - Anais Nin

Welcome

With thanksgiving only days away, our thoughts and energy are turning to home and family/intimate relationships. What a wonderful or terrible time of the year this can be--depending on your relationships with family, friends and/or significant others and partners. I have always thought of this as engagement season, when people are motivated to move their relationships toward greater commitment. It's also a time when those who are single and not dating can feel like they are on the outside, looking in at those who are coupled. But loneliness is not just something that singles experience--those in relationships also struggle with it. The reasons are many, but the consequences are much the same. Given that this problem is heightened at this time of year and that it is something that isn't talked about enough--I decided to write about it this month. If you struggle with loneliness or alienation from others--read on for my thoughts and advice regarding this growing societal problem.

Our dating and relationship articles are very popular and offer a wealth of practical advice. You can find these on the left menu at http://www.consum-mate.com/ We are always adding more articles so check back frequently. Feel free to visit our media page at http://www.consum-mate.com/newsroom.htm where we keep a sample of our media quotes.

If you want to check me out on Twitter, you can find me there at https://twitter.com/CoachToni Examples of my media quotes can be found on: http://www.consum-mate.com/newsroom/in-news.php Samples of recent ones are frequently added. If you are looking for more relationship advice, you can find this on my page at: http://www.consum-mate.com/articleindex.php?s=c My columns also runs on Family Share at: http://familyshare.com/authors/toni

A special thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a friend or loved one seeking dating or relationship advice, but please don't sign anyone up without their express permission.


Quote of the Month

"From the boardroom to the bedroom, we're connected 24/7, yet loneliness is at an all-time high. More people are reaching for mobile devices than for the hand of someone in need. Where did our humanity go?" -- Elizabeth Kapu'uwailani Lindsey


Featured Article: Lonely in a crowded world

Loneliness is a universal emotion. It is felt by people of all nations and in all walks of life. It can creep into anyone's existence at any time and can be a consequence of a move, leaving home, graduation from school, job change or loss, death of a loved one, sickness, depression--or any of the many experiences we may encounter as we move through our lives. How much we are impacted by a given event or circumstance will be influenced by our support system or the lack of one, our individual resiliency, our past experiences--and how well we both anticipate and plan for the future. Regardless of how many of these factors weigh in our favor--we are all at risk for loneliness and gathering some good tools and resources for dealing with it should it happen along is a great way to minimize its impact.

Some common myths associated with loneliness:

* Just a problem for single adults
* Unlikely to experience this if you are married or have children
* One can't be surrounded by people and feel lonely
* Most likely to occur if a person is shy or has a more introverted nature
* Outgoing people rarely or never experience it

The truth is that you can be an outgoing and gregarious person who is frequently surrounded by people and still experience loneliness. This is because it is influenced more by your state of mind than your lifestyle. It is often confused with solitude, but they are not the same thing. Therefore introverts may experience less loneliness even though they spend more time alone, mostly by choice.


Reasons for loneliness:

* Plugged in 24/7 to virtual friends and interactions in relationships that lack physical contact and intimacy
* Living in close proximity but rarely connecting with the people around us
* Lacking in real time social interactions and connections
* Difficulty finding compatible people for dating and relationships
* Going from home to work and back home again without connecting to others along the way
* Being in a relationship where you stop talking/interacting/sharing intimate moments
* Being in a marriage where there is little or no emotional intimacy--like roommates

It seems that when people are out together or even just hanging out at home, they are often plugged into their devices, checking email, texting and catching up with friends on Facebook. They are often physically present but emotionally absent. Living in densely populated cities and towns has also led folks to create invisible barriers around them--like personal electric fences that go with them as they move about in their communities. Rarely do people who live in condos know their neighbors, they may know a few if they reside in a townhouse development, and may even know a number of their neighbors if they live in a single family home. In small and more rural towns, people often know many of their fellow citizens by name and they interact regularly when shopping, at church or at community events. Being coupled or married does not guarantee you will not be lonely. You have the advantage of the relationship and the additional friends and family that your partner brings to the relationship. However too many coupled people fall into the same trap of being constantly plugged in and avoiding conversation and quiet time with the significant other--until the finally realize they have lost touch with one another and are coupled but lonely.

Ways to combat loneliness:

* Make sure to spend UNPLUGGED time with others
* Seek out friendships through groups/church/community gatherings and any activities that offer real time interaction
* Make an effort to say hi to others, offer a smile and a good morning--or any gesture that helps you make a personal connection
* Reach out to those who live near and around you by getting involved in your building or community affairs/governance
* Make offline, in person time for old friends
* Look into volunteering--it's a great way to be useful, engaged and meet compatible people


Loneliness is a growing problem in our world, which is interesting given that it's a growing world. There is no shortage of people, just a dearth of real human interaction and connection. Consider unplugging a few times a week and suggesting this to friends. Perhaps you could organize get-togethers where phones are left at home and people bring only a smile and a willing attitude to meet, interact, and make real connections with others. At first it might feel like a scene from the Day of the Dead--but with some effort it could be like childhood all over again. Remember what that was like--talking, laughing, playing and having a great time doing nothing together?


End Notes

This month's article was written to help any readers who are struggling with loneliness, whether you are single or in a relationship/married. Technology is taking the place of real time conversation and interaction. We are surrounded by others yet often feel so alone. You might be surprised at how many people struggle with loneliness and isolation, but would never think about how unplugging could make a real difference for them. Consider being the first one to throw an unplugged party. And if you are truly in search of an intimate relationship or intimacy in your present relationship--work on learning to be a great listener, of connecting through conversation, touch, and small gestures of caring. These are the things that happily coupled and married folks already know about. Intimacy requires being there in the moment with nothing between you but the messages you are exchanging.

If you would like more personalized help to deal with loneliness--email us at lifechangecoach@verizon.net We have a lot of experience helping people find and sustain healthy and satisfying relationships. Also feel free to browse the site and read the many columns and articles archived there. We look forward to hearing from you and offering any assistance we can.





CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

 


© Copyright 2008-2015 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.

Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information. However, you may not copy it to a web site.

Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.