Consum-mate

June 2015
In This Issue

Welcome

Quote of the Month

Featured Article: "Is He a keeper" checklist

End Notes

Immerse yourself in dating and relationship news. Read the coach's "Relationship News and All That Blog.

The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for those seeking relationship help.

The value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy
and intimacy creates understanding and understanding creates love. - Anais Nin

Welcome

Happy summer everyone. I don't know about you, but I always look forward to the hot, slow, lazy days that this season brings--even for those of us who have difficulty locating our "off" switch. This is also a great time of year to fall in love--I met my spouse at the beach many summers ago. Therefore, I usually focus my summer articles on anything related to meeting and dating topics, especially those that generate the most questions from clients, visitors to my website, and readers of my monthly newsletter or one of my online columns. This month I am offering help and advice on how to know if a man you have recently met, have begun dating, or have been dating for a while is a keeper and not someone you should let go of and move on from. The sooner you can identify this, the better--so read on for my "Is He a keeper" checklist.

My website has been recently redesigned, updated, and made mobile-friendly. Hopefully you will find it easier to access the specific information you are looking for. Make sure you check out my videos, which you will find on a number of my article and column pages.

My dating and relationship articles are very popular and offer a lot of free useful information and practical advice. You can find these on the menu at the top of http://www.consum-mate.com/ We are always adding more articles, so check back frequently. Feel free to visit our media page at http://www.consum-mate.com/newsroom.htm where we keep an updated sample of our media quotes.

If you want to check me out on Twitter, you can find me there at https://twitter.com/CoachToni If you are looking for more relationship advice, you can find this on my page at: http://www.consum-mate.com/articleindex.php?s=c My columns also run on Family Share at: http://familyshare.com/authors/toni and Divorce Support Center at http://divorcesupportcenter.com/index.php/experts-h/783-toni-coleman-lcsw-cmc

A special thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a friend or loved one seeking dating or relationship advice; but please don't sign anyone up without their express permission.


Quote of the Month

"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." --Cher


Featured Article: "Is He a keeper" checklist

All women talk about this--the Is He a keeper or just practice for the real thing talk. Is he someone you can have fun with, but never make the mistake of falling in love with? Is he intense, passionate, unpredictable, exciting, but NOT husband material? The problem is that sometimes a woman gets into it for the passion or fun and ends up feeling more. Or she may think he's the real thing, only to find out that there are some potential deal breakers if she stays. Then she will be faced with the task of figuring out if He is a keeper or if she should throw him back into the dating sea and wait for the right fish to come along--and she needs to do it before she gets in so deep, she doesn't know how to get out.

Therefore every woman should utilize an "Is He a keeper" checklist. However before you create one of these, you should start with another list, one that details what you "must-have" and "can't live with" in any future relationship. Anything can be included, as this is about really thinking through what you value most and what, if anything, you believe would be a relationship deal breaker for you. Here is an example:

Must have

Smart
Passionate
Strong work ethic
Values family/friend relationships
Believes in God


Can't live with

Poor employment history
Substance abuse issues
Doesn't want kids
Divorced and/or has children from previous relationship


Once you have a good handle on what you most want and need, you are ready to create that "Is He a keeper" list. This is basically a simple set of questions covering what you see as the pluses and minuses the guy you are interested in and/or already involved with brings to the table. It's useful to do this in two columns, so that you can view each in detail and also see the big picture when you weigh one against the other. Does one greatly overpower the other? Does one contain small things that you really had to stretch your imagination to come up with, or one or two that are glaringly obvious and definitely give you pause? Here is an example:

Pluses

Attractive Smart
Makes me laugh
Sexy
Likes animals
Never boring


Minuses

Poor attention to grooming, dress
Sketchy work history
Handles finances poorly
Has a quick temper
Unsure about marriage and kids
Hard to have a serious conversation with


Now you can look at how well you line up. How well do his pluses match up with your must haves? Is something important missing here? What about the minuses? Are there any that you know you just can't live with and/or don't see any compromise for?

If you have questions about how to interpret your list, this is where open and honest communication comes in. If you are only casually dating, a few general questions regarding his career aspirations, family goals, religious beliefs and/or any lifestyle issues you may have flagged as potentially incompatible can be asked. His comfort in answering an appropriately asked question that is in line with your relationship stage, will tell you a lot. If he changes the subject or offers a non-answer, that is an answer in itself. If overall you see many positive attributes, you could continue to date for a while and ask your questions again later on to see if his earlier attitude had more to do with the newness of the relationship than with something deeper.

If you are in a relationship, it is very important for both of you to discuss your wants, needs, life goals, and values before moving into commitment and/or marriage. Otherwise, you could fall into that trap that too many couples do where they move forward with assumptions that are based only on what they thought the other person felt or wanted, only to find out that too late that their expectations do not line up with reality.

Knowing what you must have and can't live without from a future partner or relationship is not the same as having a specific mate shopping list. We are not talking about height, weight, income, etc. We are talking about the big things on both extremes of the continuum. Everything else in-between usually has wiggle room for negotiation--and with a willingness to compromise and a genuine concern for one another's happiness, workable and satisfying outcomes are probable.


End Notes

This month's article was written to offer women a tool to assess his relationship rightness or wrongness for her. Too often women and men enter relationships with assumptions that go something like, "I thought he/she felt the same way I did about that," or "I was sure he wanted this as much as I did," and/or "I never thought this would be an issue for us." This is often what leads couples to divorce. People in the dating stages also make this mistake and continue to deepen relationships in which red flags are flying--but they are keeping their eyes closed so as not to see them. Often this is driven by a desire only for a relationship itself, or by an attraction that feels so good, the person doesn't want to look beyond it, to what they will get once the early stages have passed and reality has set in.

If you would like more direct help with your dating life or relationship --email us at tonicolemanlcsw@gmail.com We have a lot of experience helping individuals meet, connect, and build satisfying relationships with other available, compatible and like-minded people. Feel free to browse through Consum-mate.com and read the many columns, articles, quizzes and videos available there. We look forward to hearing from you and offering any assistance we can.







CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

 


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