The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for those seeking relationship help.

Welcome

I hope all of you are enjoying your summer and have been able to get some much needed R&R, or have it in your plans before Labor Day arrives. Summer really is a great time for relaxing, getting out, meeting new people, and finding love. I hope your summer has or will give you some or all of those experiences.
I've been getting a bit of mail from frustrated singles who are out there actively seeking summertime fun and new love, but with little success. The questions generally revolve around where and how to meet the right people, creating positive first impressions, and/or better ways to handle internet dating and meeting through social media. It's clear that a lot of effort is going into these failed attempts to meet compatible people and turn these meetings into a first date or more--so the questions are understandable. What are they doing wrong and what should they do instead? In a nutshell, I find the problem to often be doing the same things over and over and hoping for different results. Yes, you could get lucky, but your odds go way down when you do this.

Therefore I decided to write about the importance of changing and spicing up your game by trying new experiences, and exploring new places. Read on for my thoughts and advice on this important and repeatedly asked about problem.

My website has been recently redesigned, updated, and made mobile-friendly. Make sure you check out my videos, which you will find on a number of my article and column pages.

My dating and relationship articles offer a lot of free useful information and practical advice. You can find these on the menu at the top of http://www.consum-mate.com/ We are always adding more articles, so check back frequently. Feel free to visit our media page at http://www.consum-mate.com/newsroom.htm where we keep an updated sample of our media quotes.

If you want to check me out on Twitter, you can find me there at https://twitter.com/CoachToni If you are looking for more relationship advice, you can find this on my page at: http://www.consum-mate.com/articleindex.php?s=c My columns also run on Family Share at: http://familyshare.com/authors/toni and Divorce Support Center at http://divorcesupportcenter.com/index.php/experts-h/783-toni-coleman-lcsw-cmc

A special thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a friend or loved one seeking dating or relationship advice; but please don't sign anyone up without their express permission.

Quote of the Month

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
--Albert Einstein

Featured Article: If it's not working, why do you keep doing it?

You are an intelligent and successful adult who has made good progress towards your educational and professional goals--and because you have your act together, you have a nice, stable life. However, there is one area in which all your efforts seem to fail miserably--finding and sustaining happy love.

You have tried online dating, speed dating, and various singles groups and outings, but with no success. You have met people this way, had a few first dates, maybe some second ones, but the people you are meeting are either not right for you, you just aren't into them, or you feel hopeful only to have them pull back or disappear after you have corresponded and/or met a few times.

You wonder if it has to do with having sex too quickly, making yourself too available and/or looking desperate, or that there just aren't enough compatible people out there who are unattached and interested in something more than casual sex. You are tired of trying, frustrated, and don't want to attend any more bridal showers, or bachelor parties for yet another friend who somehow met that right person. Should you just stop trying and see if that old adage is true that you "always meet someone where you are not really looking."

The answer does involve letting go, not trying so hard, and yes, allowing fate the chance to put you in the right place at the right time. Put simply, you want to do less in order to do more, but mostly, you want to go about it all differently.

If you regularly participate in singles events that end up a consistent disappointment, stop doing them. If you go to endless parties, happy hours and nights out to clubs in search of the one, but end up with only a hang-over or blue mood the next day, change your behavior. By this, I don't mean never saying yes to an invitation to join friends out for the evening or to a happy hour with friends after work. What I do mean is to be selective, do fewer of these, and go with no expectations except to enjoy the people, music, conversation that you know will be part of the experience. Then you can take that extra time and effort you have saved and do something different, really different. But what you say?

Have you carried around a desire, interest or passion that you have never pursued, dropped or just not had the time or other resources for? There's no time like the present to explore it. No matter where you live, there are opportunities for experiences all around you that it's likely you have never even thought about. You say you live in the city and therefore, outdoor activities are limited or nonexistent. This is often not true. Many cities are a short drive from lakes and rivers where sailing, windsurfing, and scuba classes are available, mountains where great skiing can be had in colder months, and hiking trails and groups who form to walk them can be found. Into something else? Classes for martial arts, cooking, language, music and other interests are often available through public as well as private providers. It is unlikely that you would come up empty handed unless you live in a place where the population is about 400, and the next town is a hundred miles away. Even then, going somewhere for the weekend where you can pursue your passion is always an option.

The important take away here is that you need to open your mind and be willing to take a risk and do something different in order to get a different result. It should never be forced or because you believe you "should." Whatever you decide, it needs to come from your heart and be something you would enjoy and that would bring satisfaction to your life regardless of whether you met Mr. /MS. Right while pursuing it. This is the part that involves fate and timing.

We still have some of this wonderful season left. Begin by clearing some deadwood out of your schedule, go online and explore resources, make a plan, write it down and follow through. Then let yourself go and just immerse yourself in the new experience. If you want more ideas/inspiration, I have two other articles that you find helpful. You can find them on:

http://www.consum-mate.com/article.php?id=52&catid=9

http://www.consum-mate.com/article.php?id=40&catid=9

End Notes

This month's article was written to help singles to meet compatible others and make the kinds of connections that lead to dating and more. Too often we think that more is better, or we fear that if we pass anything up, that it will be the one experience that would have paid off for us. This leads to eventual burn-out when you are not only exhausted, but also frustrated by making so much effort towards something you really want only to be left standing at a dead end.

If you would like more direct help with your dating life or relationship--email us at tonicolemanlcsw@gmail.com We have a lot of experience helping individuals meet, connect, and build satisfying relationships with other available, compatible and like-minded people. Feel free to browse through Consum-mate.com and read the many columns, articles, quizzes and videos available there. We look forward to hearing from you and offering any assistance we can.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

© Copyright 2008-2015 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.

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