The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for those seeking relationship help.

Welcome

Happy April everyone! It has been a reluctant spring in many parts of the country--but here in Metropolitan D.C. the warmth has finally arrived. Hopefully all those in the mid-sections and out West will get some relief soon as well, because for you it has been a really tough winter and early spring.

This is the dating and mating season--just look around when you are outside and you will see all of our furry friends moving about in playful pairs. There is just something in the air that leads horses to race through their pastures, kicking up their heels, and squirrels to run after one another, over fences, through yards and up into the trees. Don't you feel like joining in sometimes?

This month I decided to write about Tinder, which has become one of (if not the top) most popular way to connect with other singles. Even if you are not a user, you must have heard stories from single friends who are. Early on it was known as a quick hook-up app, but that is changing. Now more and more couples who met on Tinder are finding lasting love. If you are looking for more than a good time, read on for how Tinder could be right for you if you know how to use it well.

My website was redesigned, updated, and made mobile-friendly a while back. Make sure you check out my videos, articles, and any new blogs and columns that I have added.

My dating and relationship articles offer a lot of free useful information and practical advice. You can find these on the menu at the top of http://www.consum-mate.com/ I am always adding new things, so check back frequently. Feel free to visit my media page at http://www.consum-mate.com/newsroom.htm where I keep an updated list of some of my media quotes.

If you want to check me out on Twitter, you can find me there at https://twitter.com/CoachToni If you are looking for more relationship advice, you can find this on my page at: http://www.consum-mate.com/articleindex.php?s=c My columns and articles also run on Family Share at: http://familyshare.com/authors/toni and Cupid's Pulse at http://cupidspulse.com/102918/relationship-advice-new-years-dating-resolutions/#

A special thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a friend or loved one seeking dating or relationship advice; but please don't sign anyone up without their express permission.

Quote of the Month

"I accidentally swiped left and now my soulmate is gone...Forever" --Someecards

Featured Article: Can you Tinder your way to love?

Tinder is basically known as a hook-up app--but is this all a user can expect? In 2015, Vanity Fair magazine published a story that set off a wave of negative responses. They quoted men who called their Tinder conquests, "Tinderellas," ouch. Yes, this is the potentially dark side of using a mobile app, however there are folks who use it and find true love. Check out the Vows section of the New York Times to see featured couples who met this way.

If you are one of the small handful of people who aren't familiar with Tinder, it is an app that asks you to swipe right on someone's picture and basic stats if you are interested, or left if you are not. If the person you swiped right for feels a mutual interest (also swipes right), you can message about connecting. Could not be easier, no long profiles or questionnaires to fill out--just a brief description and that all-important photo. The only certainty with this approach is that folks who meet this way have at least some physical attraction, but how can daters increase their chances of connecting with compatible others who share their relationship goals? Read the following tips that were created to help you weed out the players from the keepers.

* Know what you want and don't want from your Tinder experience

Believe it or not, many people don't think this through ahead of time. They may have a relationship as their ultimate goal, and hope that Tinder could increase their odds of meeting someone they click with. However, they can lose sight of that goal and find themselves in a pattern of unsatisfying hook-ups that leave them feeling badly about themselves and/or their prospects for a long-term relationship. This can easily happen if you don't think through and commit to what you want and don't want from the experience--you could end up drifting into making unhealthy choices.

* Learn to read between the lines of other users

This is when you tune into what someone doesn't say, yet communicates nonverbally. Pay attention to what they share about themselves and how they express it. Are they straightforward, upbeat, clear and concise or negative, secretive, and/or contradictory? What do you see when you look at their picture? You need to look beyond their attractiveness for other information. Do they smile, look directly at the camera, strike a funny or endearing pose, include someone else in the shot, or is their face hard to see, to read, or does it express something that you can't quite read or leaves you wondering about?

This one involves good awareness and an ability to use your gut to access information. If anything at all feels off, put any decision to respond off till later. You can also do a basic Google search to gain more information about the person that could influence which direction you ultimately swipe.

* Don't make assumptions based on a picture and a few lines

This one really flows from the one above. Too often in the virtual world of dating, people take the information they can see about someone and create a person in their head that they want them to be. They imagine qualities that they have, how they would feel in their presence, and what a perfect person this person would be for them--all without ever having met in person. This is why it is so easy for Catfishers to con folks they connect with online. Always bring along some skepticism and a strong dose of reality. What you see online is just a tease and you won't really know who they are until you have had several face to face interactions, and even then, there will be so much more to learn.

* Know your boundaries and communicate them to dates

After you have established clear dating goals, have learned to read between the lines regarding anyone who expresses an interest or who catches your eye, and are able to remain grounded in reality throughout the swiping to meeting process--you are almost there. The last step is to clearly communicate your boundaries and expectations during that first meeting. You will both be evaluating the other and deciding how you feel and if there is sufficient interest. However, it will be important for you to communicate what your interest is and what it isn't. For instance if hooking up is out, you will let them know this by setting limits on where you meet, for how long, and how you will respond if they suggest something more private. Should your date make suggestive comments, or be too aggressive in a sexual way--you will need to let them know you are not interested. You will do this through your facial expressions, posture, tone of voice, and the words you use.

Using these tips will not guarantee you make the perfect match. However, they will save you time and energy, and can help protect you from potentially unpleasant or even dangerous encounters with fellow Tinder users. Be smart, be safe--and be true to yourself. This is the right approach to successful dating.

End Notes

Many people are using Tinder now. It's an easy way to meet more people then you could otherwise through your usual work, social and life circles. It's also become the primary way that others are seeking people for dating and more--which will increase your odds in a game that is at least in part, a numbers game.

Tinder has downsides as well--from wasting time with the wrong people to the more serious possibility of connecting with someone who has bad intentions. In other words, it is a useful tool, but like other useful tools, it can be dangerous if not used carefully. So use it with care and take full advantage of all it has to offer--and have fun!

If you would like more direct help with dating--email us at tonicolemanlcsw@gmail.com We have a lot of experience helping people find, build, and maintain strong and fulfilling relationships. Feel free to browse through Consum-mate.com and read the many columns, articles, quizzes and videos available there. We look forward to hearing from you and offering any assistance we can.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

© Copyright 2008-2015 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.

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