The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for those seeking relationship help.

Welcome

Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, it seems everyone is quickly gearing up for the December holy days/holidays. The stores have had their displays out for weeks, holiday themed music is in the air, Christmas trees and menorahs can be found in many lobbies, offices, and a few homes--and we are being bombarded with announcements of holiday sales.

Unfortunately the commercialism of this season has led to a drain on our time, energy and finances--and though everyone complains about it and wants it to stop, it seems to only get worse. Therefore I decided to try and offer a little assistance with this month's article. It is written for everyone who is in a relationship--from dating to long term commitment. Read on for my tips on how to pick just the right gift for your relationship stage.

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Quote of the Month

"The degree of loving is measured by the degree of giving." --Edwin Louis Cole

Featured Article: Gift Giving Through the Relationship Stages

The winter holidays have become a stressful time for many; due mainly to the pressure people feel to find just the right gifts for co-workers, friends, family, and those they are dating or in a committed relationship with. Concerns are often centered on choosing something the person will not only like, but will actually use, going overboard and spending too much, and/or not doing and spending enough. Gift giving when dating or in a relationship can be especially challenging due to the fear that a gift will say too little or too much and send an unintended or even hurtful message. The following simple guidelines for gift giving according to your relationship stage should be useful to anyone who is wondering what to give to the person they are newly dating, to their boyfriend/girlfriend of 6 or more months, or to their long term partner or spouse.


First Stage--dating 1-6 weeks

The mantra for this stage should be to keep it "simple and inexpensive." A casual meal, home cooked or out; a nice bottle of wine, or perhaps a book in their favorite genre. I recommend you keep the cost to 30.00 or less. If you spend too much, the receiver may feel uncomfortable or even that there is now a quid pro quo that they didn't sign up for. If the gift is very cheap and completely unimaginative, it could say that you the giver are not that interested or invested and perhaps just giving out of a sense of obligation. Therefore the simple, inexpensive, and thoughtful gift is just right for this stage.


Second Stage--dating 3 or more months

This is a challenging stage for gift giving because you feel like you are kind-of, sort-of, boyfriend/girlfriend; but have not made any commitment yet. Therefore, not doing too much or too little still applies--but giving something that reflects thought and effort, is what makes a gift at this stage, a perfect gift.

It can be very practical like an item for the kitchen or other place in their home; tickets to see a favorite group, sports team, or theater production; or perhaps a fun day trip to go skiing, hiking, or any activity they enjoy or have an interest in pursuing.


Third Stage--Newly committed

More intimate and romantic gifts are key to getting it right in the newly committed stage. Jewelry can be perfect as long as it isn't over the top expensive, a favorite (and hopefully) romantic activity you can share, a special dinner where the ambiance says "us," or perhaps a gift certificate for a massage (couples?) or day at the spa would all fit the bill. Again, don't spend too much, don't pick or plan the gift at the last minute, and use what you know about your partner's interests and tastes to guide you.

Fourth Stage--Long-term partners/married

This is the stage where you know your partner well enough that right gift expectations are high. If you go out and spend a lot of money on something your partner has never shown or expressed any interest in--it will feel to him or her that you are just throwing money at this "chore" and not willing to put in the necessary thought and care. This stage is all about gifts given with much thought and effort, so don't leave home to shop without them. It is also the stage where your participation can be an important part of the gift itself.

A romantic weekend away at a B&B, a whole day together getting massages, going out to eat, visiting a favorite museum or art gallery, a night at the theater, opera, ballet, or going to hear their favorite band--or any very special activity that allows you to focus on and stay connected to one another is the perfect gift for a beloved partner. Very expensive jewelry, piece of clothing, accessory, painting or other piece of art are also good ideas for a partner who has let you know that one of these would hit their sweet spot.

Ironically, many people fail miserably when giving gifts to their romantic interests or partners because they overthink it. When they do this, they question their instincts and too often go against them--which is always a mistake. By tuning into your gut, and following these basic guidelines--you too can be a great gift giver to that special someone in your life.

End Notes

Holiday gift-giving has become a dreaded chore for too many people. Folks procrastinate, then rush around as the deadline looms, spend too much wasted effort and money--and end up with a gift that disappointments, and can lead to hurtful feelings and even feelings of resentment and anger. Wouldn't it be so much better to spend a little extra time, effort, and thought, and less money and stress--and end up with a gift that says in your own voice and in just the right way, how much you care?

If you would like more direct help with finding just that right gift for your special someone--email us at tonicolemanlcsw@gmail.com We have a lot of experience helping people to find and build successful relationships. Feel free to browse through Consum-mate.com and read the many columns, articles, quizzes and videos available there. We look forward to hearing from you and offering any assistance we can.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

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