The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for those seeking relationship help.

Welcome

Did you know that right now is PEAK dating season? From just after New Year's Day through February 14th, there are more daters going online and using dating apps than at any other time of the year. It probably has something to do with New Year's resolutions, a popular one being to find a (new, good, better) relationship. It could also be fueled by the approach of Valentine's Day and the dread of not having a special someone on this day for lovers.

I decided that the topic of this month's article should be about dating, specifically how to wow on those first dates that result from swiping right. It's likely you will have some competition and that you will need to make the right impression quickly. Though you may be a seasoned and savvy user, what would it hurt to take a closer look at the kind of impression you are making, especially in those first few crucial minutes after meeting someone? Read on for my best tips for standing out in a sea of daters.

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Quote of the Month

"Seasoned digital daters are like lions who have had their prey killed, butchered, and served to them on a tray in their artificial habitat for so long that they've forgotten how to hunt."
--Maggie Young

Featured Article: How to wow your Tinder date

You resolved on New Year's to commit to being a more active and successful dater this year. You are weary of being single, really want to meet just one great guy or woman who would be a good match--but have all but given up in the past due to serial dating that only leaves you feeling worse about your odds for success. You feel as though you have really given it your all in the past and it's hard to start all over again, believing that you will only get the same results. So what can you do? Something different of course.

By different I don't mean you should try new dating sites and apps, though that is always an option. What I mean is what you communicate and how you present yourself after you have both swiped right and agreed to meet in person. The following tips can help you to grab their attention, make a fast, positive impression, and leave them wanting to know more.

Leave any negativity at the door

Negativity is communicated through what you say and what you DO. If you are rushing to get there on time, don't really feel up to doing this but said you would so you will, and/or have low expectations because of past experiences--leave all these outside the door. Walk into the room with your head held high, your shoulders back, your arms hanging down and moving easily, and a smile on your face. When you see your "date" make immediate eye contact and offer a warm smile. Shake his or her hand and when you sit down, face them directly, and lean in slightly towards them. All of these communicate confidence, a positive attitude, and interest. Negativity comes close to almost everyone's top date turn-offs, so don't be a downer.

Listen more, speak less

You may feel a bit anxious and may even be a chatty-Cathy by nature--so you will need to make an effort not to monopolize the conversation or be a bore, droning on about things the other person has already lost interest in, if they had any to begin with. Based on what little you know about the person you are meeting, think about a few topics and/or question you could ask. Don't be afraid to get creative or even appropriately edgy here.

Ask them about their passions, about where they grew up, about what they were like in high school, or how many siblings they have, if any. They will be expecting more questions about where they work or went to school, so this will be different and more interesting. You could ask them what they thought when they first saw your profile or if they were hesitant or anxious about meeting. All of these will help you get into deeper conversation--one element of chemistry is that of being able to connect intellectually and keep each other's interest.

If they ask you questions in return, definitely share back, but keep it short, tight, and interesting. This helps to get their attention and leave them wanting to hear more.


Use your body to communicate

This begins the moment you walk into the room or they enter and you stand up/move closer to greet them. Your whole body confidence and interest will make an immediate positive impression--then you follow this with many small signals throughout your interaction. These will be sent through eye contact, how you use your hands, leaning in as you converse, keeping your legs and feet pointed in their direction, mirroring their movements and matching their voice tone and tempo. You want to show interest, be upbeat, put them at ease, and help them feel like they are the only person in the room with you at that moment.

Don't try too hard

I hear too many stories from clients about first dates where the other person was trying too hard, and it was painfully obvious. When this happens what the other sees is awkwardness and insecurity--and the air quickly fills with tension. Could you connect with someone who felt like a paper cut-out of a real person?

Instead be discreetly sincere, open and candid. Use humor but don't overdo. Self-deprecation is OK if you can keep it truly funny and to a minimum. By being your best true self, you maximize your chances of meeting and connecting with like-minded and compatible people.

Use something you have in common to make/leave an impression

If someone shares an interest or passion that resonates with you, highlight it, but not too much. Remember, don't try too hard. If you can pick up on something that is important to them and share a story or experience that demonstrates a commonality around it, you will help them to feel an emotional connection to you. Great chemistry involves friendship, and sharing a passion is one way that two people bond as friends (and more?)

You may be the first, second or third Tinder date that person has scheduled in one day. So make sure you are the one that leaves the right and lasting impression that will lead to a second date and time you don't have to share with others.

End Notes

Dating is all the rage right now and with so many people out there looking, you have the numbers working for you. Yes dating is partially a numbers game and the more choices you have, the better your chance for success. But you will need to recognize that the fast and furious nature of dating today makes it necessary to make the right first impression, one that grabs someone's attention in the midst of a sea of interesting profiles and quick Tinder meet-ups. You also want to create interest and help the person to feel both relaxed in your presence but stimulated by what they hear and wanting to know more. It's a challenge, but with a little practice, you can learn to present your best, true, most interesting you.

If you would like more direct help with Tinder meeting and dating--email us at tonicolemanlcsw@gmail.com We have a lot of experience helping people to find and build successful relationships, especially in the new world of virtual meeting and connecting. Feel free to browse through Consum-mate.com and read the many columns, articles, quizzes and videos available there. We look forward to hearing from you and offering any assistance we can.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

© Copyright 2008-2015 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.

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