In This Issue
The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for those seeking relationship help.
and intimacy creates understanding and understanding creates love. - Anais Nin
The world of internet meeting and dating continues to evolve--and even though it has made meeting people easier and dating more convenient, it has also added new challenges and terminology along the way. A good example of this is the term "breadcrumbing." Though the behavior itself is not really new and not even exclusive to cyber dating, it has apparently become fairly common and many folks are asking for advice on how to know when it is happening and how to deal with it if it does.
Given that we have now well into March and the official start of spring is only a short time away, I decided that focusing on this dating issue would be a good way to help single readers get off to a great start in the 2017 dating season. Read on for my thoughts and advice on how to know if you are being breadcrumbed and deal with it if you decide it is happening to you.
We continue to update Consum-mate, and are always adding new articles, columns, and blogs. Make sure you check it out to see what is new and maybe just what you were looking for.
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Quote of the Month
Breadcrumbing is "When a guy or girl gives someone just enough attention to keep their hope of a relationship alive." ----Grazzz 2014
Featured Article: Are you settling for breadcrumbs?
Breadcrumbing is a rather new term being used a lot by those who are single and using online dating sites and apps. If you haven't come across this experience yet, you are one of the lucky ones. After all, who wants to be strung along by someone feigning attraction and interest, but who has no intention of pursuing a relationship? If you have come across signs of this behavior, you might be finding it difficult to ascertain someone's true motivations; because when someone is an effective breadcrumber they have great excuses that they employ skillfully; and if your interest in them is strong, you may edit out anything you don't want to see or hear. If any of the following are being used on you, it's a good bet he or she is breadcrumbing you. If so, all you have to do is refuse to play along. If it turns out they are really interested, they will stop dropping bread crumbs and lay a red carpet instead.
He has sent several texts over a number weeks, but in-between there is only silence
When a guy is interested, really interested, he will be persistent. He might begin with a text, but won't let too much time pass before following up, especially if you texted him back. When it is sporadic, it's a good bet he is busy communicating with other women and when he has a spare moment, he texts just to keep you in the wings, just in case things slow down and/or someone he is currently pursuing falls through.
Her preferred mode of communication is messages to you via social media
It doesn't really get any less personal than that. Messaging through social media keeps a barrier in place and women who are really interested don't want anything coming between them and the object of their interest. If she is into you she will send more private (note, intimate) messages via text or voice mail/phone.
She can be suggestive and flirty one minute and distant the next
This on-again, off-again behavior suggests mixed feelings at the very least. The bottom line is that she is either interested or not. After getting to know you better she may cool off or heat up, depending on the strength of your connection. If you immediately respond with interest following a flirty message and she takes a step back, this is a red flag. We call this the pursuing-distancing dynamic, where when one person takes a step towards the other, they in turn take one or two back. Do you really want to start a relationship with someone who is only into you when they perceive you as a challenge? Move on to someone who wants what you want and is clear in expressing it.
He likes to talk about the fun you two will have, but he never offers a what, when, and where
In a nutshell, he wants to share those things with someone, but is clearly not sure that it is you. This kind of inconsistency between what someone says and what they do points to mixed feelings at best. This is classic breadcrumbing behavior and it really has NO OTHER interpretation than what you get is what you get, and in this case it is nothing. Give him one pass, then drop all communication as it is a waste of your time and energy.
You respond to his texts or online messages, but all that comes back is silence
Men ALWAYS have time for a woman they are interested in, always. If he never gets around to responding, says he was busy, apologizes for not seeing your message, etc.--he is just not that into you. This can happen once, but if you see a pattern, move on. Too many women make excuses for a guy's behavior because they have imagined him to be this great guy for them--yet they have no real information about him and no in-person experiences to base their feelings on. Kind of like being catfished, no?
You have suggested a couple of new first date venues, but he always has a great excuse why he can't
If you have no other online dating rules, this is one you must follow. Don't wait more than a week (or two tops) to meet in-person. Everyone is busy with work, social and family commitments, pressing projects, and other distractions that often overwhelm them and leave them overbooked. We all get this. However, if someone is unwilling or unable to make time in their schedule for even a brief hour or two, then they are not ready or able to begin a relationship. Again when something is important to us, we make it a priority. If you start out with someone who never takes the time for you, imagine a relationship with them down the road. You can bet that you and your relationship would usually be last on their priority list.
The new dating technologies have made it easier and more convenient to meet people--folks you might never have had the opportunity to encounter in your usual social and work circles. While this is a big plus, there are downsides. Catfishing, ghosting, and now breadcrumbing are all possible negatives when you meet someone online and know nothing about them but what they tell you. Therefore you need to identify the red flags and look for behaviors and patterns that could spell trouble or just disappointment and a waste of time for you. Seeing what is there and not what you want to see is an important first step. Remember that until you have met someone face to face and spent time with them, they are a complete stranger and may in fact be nothing like the person they want you to believe they are. Be smart and be safe.
If you would like more direct help with meeting and dating--email us at email@example.com We have a lot of experience helping people to find and build successful relationships, especially in the new world of virtual meeting and connecting. Feel free to browse through Consum-mate.com and read the many columns, articles, quizzes and videos available there. We look forward to hearing from you and offering any assistance we can.
Toni Coleman, LCSW
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