The "why hasn't he called" problem
You hit it off from that first smile and hello. He was talkative, flirty, and suggestive in his remarks about how he noticed you in the crowd and was determined to meet you. You definitely felt he was into you and you felt the same in return. Finally, a guy who seemed to know what he wanted and was comfortable approaching you and assertively letting you know. As the conversation progressed, you asked him a lot of questions about himself and he was very comfortable sharing and talking about his work, interests and offering some background information--check, check, check. After talking for over an hour, he said he had to run to a prearranged meet-up with some friends. You exchanged contact information, and he said good-bye. You were on top of the world and already anticipating the moment you would hear from him.
Days passed with no text, email or phone call from Mr. Wonderful. You found yourself checking often and even went online to check out his Facebook page and find any other information that might tell you more about him and what he had been up to since you met. Turns out he was busy meeting friends, posting pictures and interacting with many men and women alike. It seemed he was very busy and happy and had forgotten all about you, but maybe you were just being too sensitive and just needed to give it more time. So this is what you did.
After a few weeks with no word from him and way too much time spent looking for any information about him online, you began asking friends what they thought. You described that first great meeting and how well you two hit it off, but then nothing. Your friends' advice ran the gamut from suggestions that you make a move, to giving it more time, to accepting that he just wasn't that into you (this last one coming mostly from guy friends). You decided to send him a brief text saying hi and casually suggesting you two meet up somewhere for a drink. He did respond back, saying hi and that sounded like fun and he would get back to you, then time passed with no contact. What in the world could have happened to change his mind? He was clearly into you, said he would get in touch and then he just didn't.
The friends who said "he just wasn't that into you," had it right. But how did they know this when you had a completely different impression of his feelings and intentions? The short answer is that they got the whole picture after the fact from you--the one that included his not contacting you for weeks, hearing from you and saying he would get back in touch, then not doing so. In other words, their view of the situation included the whole picture and they were not present for the mixed messages as they were being delivered, which allowed them to see his intentions clearly. Also, your guy friends could relate. They understood that he found you attractive, and approached you and spent an hour talking and getting a feel for what it was like to interact with you. While this all felt right from your end, he was probably feeling something else and/or something not as strong. If so his telling you he would get in touch was just his nice way of ending the interaction and saying good-bye. Unfortunately he sent you a mixed message that you acted on when you waited for him to make the next move and spent time trying to learn more about him through his online presence.
So how could you have possibly known that he was being less than honest with you and not wasted your time and opened yourself up to hurt feelings? The answer lies in his nonverbal communication, both during and after you two met and interacted. By this I mean all the things he was communicating, yet not saying in so many words. Think about the following examples and try to remember your impressions when you two were talking and he was leaving.
* Did he ask many questions about you or talk mostly about himself?
* Did he show interest in or curiosity about things you shared with him?
* Was his voice upbeat and strong throughout the conversation or did his tone or tempo lose energy or volume?
* What was his eye contact like when you were talking? Did he get distracted, look around the room or check his phone for texts from his friends?
* Did he lean towards you, stand close, touch your arm or end with a hug as he exited? Or did he maintain some physical distance, keeping his arms close to his sides and/or holding his drink and playing with his phone?
Then what about his nonverbal communication after you parted
* He did not attempt any contact
* When you contacted him he was polite, but noncommittal, telling you he would get back in touch
* He did not get back in touch
Every guy knows that when a man is into you, he will pursue you, period. He is never too busy at work, with his family, struggling with issues that leave him no time for a text, etc. He will find the time, no matter what. Why is this? It's because he is into you and will make you a priority. It's just that simple, and your guy friends know it.
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Toni Coleman, LCSW
© Copyright 2008 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.
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