Tired of Always Settling

Dear Dating Coach,

Why do I at 42 years of age continue to meet and want to be in relationships with guys that love me but are not in love with me? This hurts, as I truly want to be in a loving relationship that will lead to marriage. --Loveless and Settling

Dear Loveless and Settling-

This is a question that requires more of an answer than a column can provide. However, I will give you an overview of my thoughts about what could be going on here, and offer a few suggestions for what you can do to address this problem.

Begin by spending some time thinking about where it is you usually meet guys and what attracts you to the ones you choose to date. If you are meeting men that you have little in common with, you may want to work on identifying ways/places to meet the type of man who shares some of your values, interests and goals. I have written a detailed article about this. You can find it on:

Once you have found better ways to meet compatible guys, focus your attention and efforts on identifying those traits that you feel most drawn to in the men you meet. This is important work to do BEFORE getting involved with someone. I call it relationship readiness and have an article on this you may want to read. You can find it on:

It will also be important to develop greater insight regarding why you choose to stay with men who are basically unavailable. Is it possible that you fear commitment on some level? If you think this may be an issue, check out my article on:

We react and make decisions every day from both our conscious and unconscious levels of thought. It is therefore very important to get to know your deepest wants and needs before making a decision that will determine a good deal of your future happiness or misery.

(from October 2009)

Want to read other columns on this subject?

"Tired of Feeling like Every Woman's Brother"
List of more
"Help With Dating"

"Interested in (possibly) someone else's FWB"


Toni Coleman, LCSW
Phone: 703-847-1768


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