When love vanishes

Dear Dating Coach,

I am a 30 something, professional woman who was in a long distance relationship with a divorced father for over a year. He suddenly ended it, citing long distance dating stress and its impact on him and his kids as the reason.

I believed we were head over heels for one another as we spent every other weekend, vacations and all holidays together. He had always been loving and demonstrative, yet broke up with me via a terse email. Needless to say, I was devastated. I have contacted him a number of times, seeking closure--but he refuses to talk about it. I still love him and believe it is impossible to move on and look for a new relationship when I am carrying a torch for him. What can I do? What should I do? --Stuck in a Dead End love

Dear Stuck in a Dead End Love--

I'm so sorry. All break-ups are painful and the grief is only compounded when a break comes with no warning, no clear explanation, and no way to process your feelings by asking questions and expressing the hurt, which would both help you finds closure. So you are left to move forward on your own, which you must do. You will need to go through a grief process that will take you through a whole range of feelings, and which should be accompanied by support from family and friends in order to maximize its benefit to you. I have two articles that can detail this for you. These are on:

Right now you appear to be in the first stage of grief, which is denial. I wouldn't be surprised if you are still trying to rationalize that he will come to his senses and/or realize that he wants to be with you. You can waste a lot of time in denial. Read my articles, get your support systems in place, and come up with some new life goals. It will take time to heal, and you will get through it more easily by redirecting your attention and trying to stay focused on something different and positive. Once you truly KNOW it is over, you will be free to move forward and find a man who is truly right for you.

(from July 2010)

Want to read other columns on this subject?

"Being "Nice" Holds No Guarantees"
List of more
"Grieving Lost Love"

This is the last "Grieving Lost Love" column.


Toni Coleman, LCSW
Phone: 703-847-1768


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