In This Issue
The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for those seeking relationship help.
and intimacy creates understanding and understanding creates love. - Anais Nin
Happy midsummer everyone. What a fun season this can be. For all of you who are actively swiping right and hoping to meet someone special, I have once again written an article focused on dating. It seems that meeting people has become so much easier, yet making connections that go deeper, not so much. Therefore I will be talking about going old-school, even just trying it out for a while in order to see if it works better for you. Read on for my thoughts on why this way be a better way for some of you.
We continue to update Consum-mate, and are always adding new articles, columns, and blogs. Make sure you check it out to see what is new and maybe just what you were looking for.
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If you are looking for specific dating or relationship advice, you can find this on my page at: http://www.consum-mate.com/articleindex.php?s=c My columns and articles also run on Family Share at: http://familyshare.com/authors/toni Divorce Support Center at http://divorcesupportcenter.com/index.php/experts-h/783-toni-coleman-lcsw-cmc and Cupid's Pulse at http://cupidspulse.com/102918/relationship-advice-new-years-dating-resolutions/#
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Quote of the Month
"The first time I met you it wasn't love at first sight, my love for you formed gradually. Your personality, your voice, your hair, your eyes, your humor, the way you looked away and smiled; gradually it all became clear to me, you were exactly what I was looking for." --Unknown
Featured Article: Have you considered trying old-school dating?
If you are an actively dating female, you are likely using dating apps to meet men. Yes, they are quick and easy, you can manage several meetings in a single night--and over time there have been more and more relationships that began by swiping right. But how are they working for you? If the answer is not so good, the following may sound familiar:
Guys seem to be focused on physical appearance and apps make this worse
The men you are meeting seem to be distracted or in a hurry to get to the
It seems everyone you meet is only looking for fun and sex
It feels like hooking up is a prerequisite to getting a second or third date
While it's true that the dating app culture can be characterized by all the above, there are plenty of single men out there who would like to meet women who want more than a casual hook-up or brief affair. Often they can be found in all the usual places and using all the same apps and social networking sites to connect, but with a secret hope that she just might be in the right place at the right time. After all, where else can a girl go to meet guys? Where indeed.
Consider the experience of one woman, Jochebed Smith, who wrote an essay titled Swearing off the Modern Man for the NY Times "Modern Love" essay contest. Ms. Smith began by describing her frustrating experiences dating the Modern Man. "He's the guy who is always plugged in to his iPhone 6 Plus, wants to start a blog, has a favorite microbrewery and a fun Twitter feed. He is well dressed, cultured and cool." The problem with this kind of guy according to Smith is that "he's not into labels," the translation being, into words like relationship.
Ms. Smith decided to do something radical and get off the social media dating grid. She began by unfollowing and unfriending her ex, then "swearing off modern men." After doing so she met a man who was older, mature and off the grid. They met through a mutual friend, went on old-fashioned dates and began a relationship. She describes face to face conversations, deep exchanges about ideas and books they had read, mutual talk about future hopes and dreams--and no interruptions from or communications through electronic devices. Sounds pretty interesting, doesn't it?
But the relationship ended and Ms. Smith talked about her sense of loss and grief--a feeling of true heartbreak as opposed to something much less in past break-ups with men she had dated. Her attachment was much deeper with this man, not loudly splashed across her social media pages, just a quiet and endearing presence in her life and heart.
She signed up for Tinder after the break-up, but the first meet-up just didn't do it for her and she decided she wanted to remain old-school in her dating life. She does confess to rereading his texts on her phone as she tried to deal with her loss and finally, wrote him a letter (yes, one that required an envelope and stamp) in order to seek a final bit of closure. Days later she got a text from him that read, I miss you too. We don't know what happened after that, but we can hope that they found their way back together.
The take away from this young author's new approach to dating is something every woman could learn from. If you are tired of dating scenarios in which technology is the ever-present fifth wheel, if hook-ups aren't your thing and you want more, if you are exhausted from swiping right and then going on revolving door dates, the emotional energy you spend checking his social media posts looking for clues as to what he is doing and what he might be feeling about meeting you, spending time with you, or the hook-up you had, and/or you can't get any closure because his presence is always popping up--consider a different approach to dating. What have you got to lose except all those frustrating hours doing the same things over and over again looking for someone who wants what you want? It's dating season, don't waste another moment.
Dating can be fun or it can feel like a chore. For too many singles, dating feels like a necessary evil, a means to an end--and those ends can be very different for different people. If this sounds like how you feel and you want to increase your chances of achieving dating enjoyment and success, consider doing something different. After all, if you have been doing the same things over and over again but not achieving different results, it is time for a change. Otherwise you may begin to believe that there is no one out there for you and that you are just meant to live a solo life.
Many people fall in love only after getting to know someone for a while. These are the couples who began as co-workers, friends, neighbors, friends of friends, and/or who shared a passion or pursuit in common that brought them together over and over again. Consider all the way you can meet someone that don't involve apps, dating sites or any social media. Then get out there. Summer is a time when folks are out and about and in the mood for falling in love.
If you would like more direct help with finding or building a relationship--email us at firstname.lastname@example.org We have a lot of experience helping people to achieve relationship readiness, attract their right kind of person, and take the steps to build a lasting, successful union. Feel free to browse through Consum-mate.com and read the many columns, articles, quizzes and videos available there. We look forward to hearing from you and offering any assistance we can.
Toni Coleman, LCSW
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