Consum-mate

March 2018
In This Issue

Welcome

Quote of the Month

Featured Article: Part 1--Is it true that "once a cheater, always a cheater?"

End Notes

Immerse yourself in dating and relationship news. Read the coach's "Relationship News and All That Blog.

The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for those seeking relationship help.

The value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy
and intimacy creates understanding and understanding creates love. - Anais Nin

Welcome

Spring is only a few days away, though March certainly came in like a lion this year. This is the time of year when many of us start to get "itchy" for warmth, sunshine, longer days, and more time spent outdoors. Spring is also the dating season--that time that folks start coming out of the winter doldrums and seeking activities that bring them into more contact with other single, compatible, available people, in real, face-to-face time. With the rise of online dating and connecting through social media, it may seem very old-school and outdated to consider meeting people through a shared interest or activity. Not so. It still remains a great way not only to meet, but to get to know someone--which is how great relationships start. I wrote an article about this a few years back and it continues to be relevant. Check it out on: https://www.consum-mate.com/article.php?id=52&catid=9

For this month's article, I decided to write about something that is useful to those who are coupled, married or unmarried--and those who may be contemplating a relationship with someone who has a history of infidelity in their past. In my work with couples, this issue is all too common. Many people end up in relationship crisis due to a partner's emotional and/or physical infidelity. It seems that when a relationship is going through hard times, too many people look elsewhere to deal with their feelings and unmet needs. That there is a much better way to deal with this is a topic for another article, so this month I will focus on WHY people cheat, and next month I will talk about the climate in which infidelity grows and thrives. If this is an issue for you right now, if you have started dating someone with a history of infidelity, or if you are recovering from a relationship that ended due to infidelity--continue on for thoughts and insights I have gained from many years of helping couples deal with the fallout from infidelity.

We continue to update Consum-mate, and are always adding new articles, columns, and blogs. Make sure you check us out to see what is new and maybe just what you are looking for.

My dating and relationship articles offer a lot of free, useful information and practical advice. You can find these on the menu at the top of http://www.consum-mate.com/

Feel free to visit my media page at http://www.consum-mate.com/newsroom.htm where I keep an updated list of some of my media quotes. There are also many topics that l tweet about or mention on my Twitter and Facebook pages. If you want to check me out on Twitter, you can find me there at https://twitter.com/CoachToni

If you are looking for specific dating or relationship advice, you can find this on my page at: http://www.consum-mate.com/articleindex.php?s=c My columns and articles also run on Family Share at: http://familyshare.com/authors/toni Divorce Support Center at http://divorcesupportcenter.com/index.php/experts-h/783-toni-coleman-lcsw-cmc and Cupid's Pulse at http://cupidspulse.com/102918/relationship-advice-new-years-dating-resolutions/#

A special thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it to a friend or loved one seeking dating, relationship, or happier living advice; but please don't sign anyone up without their express permission.


Quote of the Month

"I am replete with stamina in finding out every single fact I can about this whole affair.

Yet, I think, do I want to pull that thread? Do I want to unleash the truth, unravel deceit, and kill reality as I've known it? It is irreparable, if I do, from the moment we met until now. It is long. If I discover too much that is false about what I thought my past was, Time will be skewed even further. I already have a poor connection with the present. Example: I have no sense of what day it is. It's better."
-- Suzanne Finnamore, Split: A Memoir of Divorce


Featured Article: Part 1--Is it true that "once a cheater, always a cheater?"

The reasons for infidelity are actually very complex, therefore seeking a one size fits all answer to "will it happen again" won't help the person asking it to correctly predict their partner's future behavior. The right questions to ask will be specific to the motives of the person who cheated and the state of the relationship where the betrayal took place. Like virtually anything, infidelity has a purpose and reasons behind why and how it occurred. Therefore asking questions that are targeted to understanding these will help give the cheated on partner the answers they need to make the decision to stay or go. Begin with the following commonly cited reasons for why someone has cheated.

Confusing fantasy and attraction with love

When two people are having an affair, they often share fantasies and talk about what they would like/like to do to the other. This heightens excitement, and having to wait, carefully plan, and sneak around can add to that arousal and desire. It's actually the same as that first stage of every relationship, when people are high on attraction hormones that subside and convert to cuddling and bonding ones once the relationship enters a more committed phase. In other words they can't be sustained once the relationship progresses--yet they are so powerful and feel so good, that we all want to experience them and some of us confuse them with feelings of love.

Believing they could get away with it

For anyone who has never even considered cheating to be an option, it may be hard to believe that the cheater didn't consider the potential consequences of their infidelity beforehand. What most cheaters will say is that they "didn't think I would ever get caught." Sometimes it is because the affair is with someone who lives at a distance, someone they only see very occasionally, or someone whose path will never cross that of their spouse/family. They rationalize that it is OK because it seems so unlikely their spouse would ever find out and if their hook-ups are out of town and have nothing to do with their real life, somehow it is not such a big deal.

Seeking attention to feed insecurity and neediness

When two people are having an affair, the time they spend together has little to do with their day to day reality. There are no conflicts over money or parenting differences, they do not need to work together on compromise apart from where to meet or what to eat while together. Affairs are not relationships--they are a series of hook-ups between Friends with Benefits. Sometimes one or both people develop stronger feelings, but this is far less common than the affair being discovered and blowing up and sending the spouses running back to their partners, or just dying a natural death when it no longer produces those chemical highs.

They are a good liar and it gives them a rush

Some people are good liars. While I could spend a lot of words theorizing why, that doesn't really matter. When lying comes easily, the person often lies just because, and over time many liars can't tell the difference between a truth and a lie. Lying can also produce a rush when someone gets away with it. There is that anticipation and worry beforehand about the possibility of being caught--then when that doesn't happen, they continue to tell bigger and bigger lies, looking for that adrenaline rush. When someone is a chronic liar, they are not good relationship material, not unless and until they can own their behavior and learn to be trustworthy and transparent. For some liars, the threat of losing someone they really do love or a life they value may be enough to help them turn this behavior around. However if this is your partner, trust, but verify.

Blaming their unaddressed needs on their partner/relationship

If only my wife was more interested in sex. If only my husband was more supportive with household and parental responsibilities--everything would be so much better. If these sound familiar it is because they are two classic excuses people use to explain infidelity. Obviously this solves nothing and only helps speed the couple towards divorce court. What needs to happen instead is each partner owning what they bring to the problem and identifying ways they can help address their behavior so that it is no longer harmful to the relationship. This requires openness, candid communication, and deep listening. Working with a good therapist can help facilitate this as the couple will be given new tools and taught new techniques that will improve their overall communication and help each of them to get their needs met.

Next month, Part 11--The climate in which affairs can thrive


End Notes

Infidelity wreaks havoc on a relationship--yet it does not necessarily have to lead to breaking up or divorce. The reasons why the infidelity occurred, the nature and extent of its duration, the cheater's remorse or regret following its revelation, the probability that they would cheat again and the bottom line--does what this relationship have to offer outweigh the suffering and work to repair it that must be done? Simply put, am I better off with or without him/her? Answering these questions will take time and work--and the most important one is knowing if this person can be trusted not to do this again.

If you would like more direct help with issues related to infidelity in your relationship--email us at tonicolemanlcsw@gmail.com We have a lot of experience helping people to address serious relationship issues and apply new tools and techniques to turn them around, if both are willing and able. Feel free to browse through Consum-mate.com and read the many columns, articles, quizzes and videos available there. We look forward to hearing from you and offering any assistance we can.






CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

 


© Copyright 2008-2015 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.

Distribution Rights: The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information. However, you may not copy it to a web site.

Reprint permission will be granted, upon request, to student newspapers, universities, and other nonprofit organizations. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in altered or modified form.