The Art of Intimacy
A Newsletter for those seeking relationship help.

Welcome

Happy spring everyone! It seems that a warm-up is finally here, and it seems that everyone is in a better mood. What is it about this time of year? I have a number of spring-themed articles on dating and relationships, which you can find on my site here: https://www.consum-mate.com/articleindex.php and here https://www.consum-mate.com/articleindex.php?s=c

For this month's article, I have written a part 11 on infidelity and relationships that is useful to those who are coupled--married or unmarried--and those who may be contemplating a relationship with someone who has a history of infidelity in their past. In my work with couples, this issue is all too common. Many people end up in relationship crisis due to a partner's emotional and/or physical infidelity. This month I delve more deeply into the climate in which many affairs begin and thrive. Though there can be other factors besides marital relationship difficulties and estrangement, the scenarios I detail are commonly offered reasons by people who go outside the marriage for intimacy--emotional and/or physical. The reason these are so important is that awareness can help prevent infidelity from becoming an issue in your present or future relationship, or help you to know if you are presently at higher risk for this. Continue on for the thoughts and insights I have gained from many years of helping couples seeking recovery from infidelity.

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Quote of the Month

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing." ~ Anais Nin

Featured Article: Part 11--The climate in which affairs can thrive

Once you have a strong handle on a cheating partner's motivations for infidelity (see Part 1 in March newsletter), you can move on to understanding the relationship climate that the affair grew in. This is not completely separate from a partner's motivations, but it is an examination of the relationship itself--what was working and what was not, for both of you. The following are some classic relationship climates that help infidelity to take root and grow.

Emotional estrangement

This is often characterized as two people living together as roommates, handling their own needs as best they can without the support or input from the other. This does not happen overnight. It is a slow and steady breakdown of a couple's connection--which can result from any number of things that slowly put distance between two people. How folks handle work problems and job losses, financial difficulties, sickness, household responsibilities, and parenting can all contribute to emotional estrangement. Loneliness can lead someone to seek companionship and caring elsewhere.

Lack of physical intimacy

While the frequency and satisfaction of a couple's sex life is key to physical intimacy, it is not the only component. Affectionate gestures, kissing, hand holding, sitting closely together when watching TV, and offering hugs and light touch when a partner is having a hard moment are all ways to keep intimacy alive, even when it is hard to find the time and energy for sex. Consider this physical contact as foreplay, because it really is. It is how you speak with your body to let your partner know you want to be near and with them, that you care for them, that you find them attractive, and that you are there when they need someone to lean on. When partners are not giving this to one another, one may seek it outside the marriage.

A breakdown in communication

When couples are talking only about schedules, coordination around the kids, home maintenance issues, and other information sharing--they have stopped really communicating. Real communication involves a kind of intimacy where couples engage in conversations using feeling language, where they discuss their personal issues; relationship concerns, needs and wants; future goals and dreams; and anything that isn't about the mundane business of managing the household or handling the needs of the kids/family. While both have a role, verbal intimacy is part of every happy intimate relationship. When it is lacking, it can set the stage for one partner to reach out to someone outside the relationship for this, and it is often the beginning of an emotional affair.

Increased occurrence of frustration, anger, and conflict

When the dominant atmosphere in the home is one of negativity--it leads to emotional estrangement, a deliberate distancing from one another, and a decreasing willingness to turn to one another for comfort and support. This climate is ripe for misunderstandings, negative assumptions about what a partner is feeling and thinking, resentment related to those assumptions, and increasing hostility that sets the stage for conflict. Partners can become like two fighters in the ring, staying in their separate corners until it is time for another round. Offering positive thoughts, feedback, and observations to your partner on a daily basis can help keep a negative climate in check--it can also help to turn around one that has already become entrenched.

If your marriage has been impacted by infidelity and you are conflicted over whether to work towards reconciliation and healing or move towards separation and divorce--be careful not to rush too fast towards either one of these. You will have many questions and will need your partner to put all his or her efforts into answering them to your satisfaction. It will take a lot of patience, will be very painful, and at times may just not seem worth it. It will all come down to getting the answers to your questions, examining your heart, weighing what will be in your best interest, and deciding if your marriage and partner are worth keeping.

End Notes

Infidelity wreaks havoc on a relationship--yet it does not necessarily have to lead to breaking up or divorce. The climate in a relationship before the infidelity occurred is important, because by examining it and working to change it--a couple can find their way to forgiveness, healing, and a stronger, happier relationship then they had prior to the infidelity.

If you would like more direct help with issues related to infidelity in your relationship--email us at tonicolemanlcsw@gmail.com We have a lot of experience helping people to address serious relationship issues and apply new tools and techniques to turn them around, if both are willing and able. Feel free to browse through Consum-mate.com and read the many columns, articles, quizzes and videos available there. We look forward to hearing from you and offering any assistance we can.

CONTACT INFORMATION

Toni Coleman, LCSW
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: Toni@consum-mate.com
Web: http://consum-mate.com

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