Two night ago, my 22 year old son took me to the 9:30 club in DC to hear the Irish singer Glen Hansard (Falling slowly). The 9:30 club is a well known and established venue in DC that hosts national talent and is standing room only- which can be challenging at any age. It’s not a huge place, so no matter where folks stood, the entertainment was close and boy was it good.

As I stood in the crowd, involved in the music, I also observed all the people of varying ages around me- there were couples, many singles and some small groups. Anyone who is familiar with Irish performers will know that they like to involve the crowd and tell great stories- which helps the audience to feel connected to them and to one another. As I reflected on this, I thought about what a great way this could be to meet compatible others.

At the 9:30 club there is a break between the warm up act and the main one that lasts about 45 minutes. The way the place is set up, people can move around throughout the performance and it’s easy to mingle or share comments/observations with those around you. It’s laid back, comfortable and there is a bar for drinks- alcoholic and otherwise. No doubt there are many similar establishments around the country that host top performers like this.

Meeting someone this way guarantees that you will have at least one thing in common- a similar taste in music. It’s also likely that you would both be comfortable in an informal setting and willing and able to stand on your feet for several hours- then take the metro or grab a cab back home. It feels very different from the bar scene, and anyone could go alone and not feel alone.

If you love music, consider checking out the offerings in your area. Along with places like the 9:30 club, you may have access to free concerts in the park or paid outdoor venues (like the Barns at Wolf Trap) here in Northern VA, where you can get seats close to the stage or sit on the lawn and enjoy a picnic as you listen.

I’m always being asked about best ways to meet new people and this is one relatively safe, not terribly expensive, and fun way to meet compatible others.

eHarmony funded a study comparing marriage satisfaction and longevity for those couples who met offline VS those who met online. The research was designed and conducted by John Cacioppo, a psychologist at the University of Chicago who emailed a questionnaire to nearly a half million people, with almost 200,000 people responding- and 19,131 of them who were married between 2005 and 2012 were selected to have their replies analyzed.

More than a third of the respondents reported meeting their spouse online- and a third of those online connections were made through online dating (as opposed to a chat room or other virtual world for the rest.)They were asked to rate their overall marital satisfaction, and this along with the group’s divorce rate was compared to the other group who met in a more traditional way. To make the study more legitimate, two statisticians from the Harvard School of Public Health were recruited to analyze the results and eHarmony agreed to publish the study- regardless of what the findings revealed about the success or failure of online dating.

The results were surprising. They found that those who met online were slightly happier than the traditional dating group and were also found to have a slightly lower divorce rate.

It’s important to note that all research is only as good as its design, and what factors are controlled for. For instance, the study did not include things like mental health issues, substance abuse or personality. If they had, the results may have been different. Either way, it is enlightening and will be good news to all those singles looking for love online who often ask; “Does this really work and can I really meet “the one” online?”

No, that wasn’t a typo. The Huffington Post put out a call to women readers, asking for stories from those who want more sex than their partners. Even they were surprised at how many responses they got from women of all ages and backgrounds who are sexually frustrated by partners who have less interest than they do. Another myth busted.

The Huff Post has done several follow up pieces and videos in which they interview women on gender myths, sex drive- and how women don’t fall into the classic stereotype that has been held for so long.

Yes, some women struggle with a loss of sex drive, especially due to the stress of having and raising children, handling two jobs (home and work) and after menopause. However, men also have their sex drive killers- and some have a lower sex drive than average, even when younger.

Some reflections from the women interviewed by the Huffington Post include comments like: “I’m going to have to learn to always be the aggressor;” “He bought me a vibrator so I would be happy and leave him alone;” “ I’m beginning to think I will never find a partner whose sex drive is equal to mine;” “By the time I’m 35, I may never have sex again;” “ I’m not unhappy with my marriage, just frustrated that I don’t get any sex;” “ I feel abnormal for wanting more sex;” “I keep hearing that I’m like a dude when it comes to sex;” among others that really demonstrate that women are not always the ones with a lower sex drive.

So ladies, if this issue resonates with you, you are not alone. Other women have partners who need incentives to get interested in something more than a good meal or new show on TV. Just like women, men have both physical and emotional reasons for a lower sex drive and this is something that a caring partner can help with. If the stress is too high, offer support in areas that could help lower it. If your partner is overweight, has high cholesterol, doesn’t exercise, etc- he could benefit from having a partner who encourages and participates in making healthier lifestyle choices to address health problems. Offer to make him an appointment with a regular Dr- not for treatment of ED, but for wellness. If there are emotional issues, encourage him to get counseling and offer to participate. Don’t push, just offer ideas and unconditional caring.

If all fails, you will need to measure this issue against your overall union. Are you happily married otherwise? Are you better off with or without him? Is this a deal breaker or not? Can you live with some sexual activity but less than your desired amount? These are all good questions to ask yourself and carefully weigh your answers. Not all marriages have the same level of physical contact/intimacy- yet many partners find ways to make it work because they can’t imagine their life without their spouse, and would not want to.

Last week I was interviewed on The Healthy Beauty Show at ‘1380 am the woman’ – the first woman-talk radio station which broadcasts from St Louis, MO. The hosts, Sonja and Kara asked me to share tips and advice on online dating, specifically the do’s and don’ts, red flags, what to include or leave out of a profile- and how to handle questions that ask your age or what age (range) the man you would like to meet falls into. The discussion got lively at times as Sonja and Kara shared some of their personal experiences in online dating and what challenges and turn-offs they encountered.

There is a lot of information out there about how to be a successful online dater- from writing a great profile, to handling that first email to moving your online connection off line for a first date. We tackled some beginning basics, but I will be on the show again in June to continue the discussion.

If you have found online dating to be a disappointment and would like to learn how to be more successful in both attracting and connecting with compatible others, check out my interview linked to Sonja’s blog on http://www.hellobeautyblog.com/2013/05/dating-dos-and-donts-for-online-dating-profiles/

Also, check back for the next time we discuss how you can have a more successful online dating experience.

Want some insight into how you can be more effective in connecting with that attractive man or woman? There is a new study that could give you an edge in your dating life.

New research from Stanford University examines the elements of how people bond in courtship situations. Conversations between heterosexual couples in 4 minute speed dating encounters were analyzed in order to better understand what helps people to feel a connection with someone they have just met.

Scholars Dan McFarland and Dan Jurafsky recently published their study results in the American Journal of Sociology. Their paper, “Making the Connection: Social bonding in Courtship Situations” emphasized the uncertainty about the meaning of signals that people send to others and how that influences their ability to forge interpersonal connections. This key element is very different from all the traditional ways we believe people bond socially- through shared traits, experiences, values, and world view. Therefore, this research was looking at something that draws people together that is not about looks, type of career, interests, etc.
They analyzed nearly 1,000 “dates” and found that words did matter, especially in how they were delivered, and when and for how long they shared during the encounter. Shared stories helped the connection as did participants varying the loudness and pitch of their speech. These findings highlight the importance of the nonverbal communication that we all use but rarely think about. The analysis looked at these measures against the backdrop of how the individuals rated their connection during the date and 4 minutes were found to be long enough for folks to have a meaningful encounter.

Women felt more connection when men used more feeling language, (words that were sympathetic and appreciative). They also felt more connection to men who actively engaged in and contributed to the conversation. What was interesting is that both sexes felt more connection when the topic focused mostly on the women. However if a man asked too many questions or the woman had to ask a lot of questions to keep the conversation going, this negatively impacted her connection with him.

The overall finding was that communication can change someone’s feelings about another person. The next time you want to establish a connection with someone you have just met, remember to be engaged, show interest, ask questions but not too many, jump in with energy and only to comment in a positive way on something they have shared- and vary the loudness/softness of your voice, as it communicates energy and keep their attention. No folks, it’s not about looks and success- it’s how well you connect in your communication with one another.

Last week Ms. Jolie told the world about her decision to have a double-mastectomy in order to help ensure she would not die from breast cancer. Her decision was brought about by the knowledge that she carries the BRCA1 gene, which greatly increases the odds that she would eventually develop breast cancer. Ms. Jolie’s mother possessed the same gene and died from ovarian cancer in her 50’s, which influenced Ms. Jolie to be tested and to pursue a radical treatment.

The question that was probably on everyone’s mind when the news broke is; “How will Brad react to this?” After all, Ms. Jolie is a strikingly beautiful woman who epitomizes sex appeal and glamour- and a double-mastectomy is definitely not viewed as a procedure that enhances a woman’s beauty and sexiness-but maybe it should be. After all, anyone who has lost a loved one or close friend to cancer knows just how cruel the disease is to one’s overall appearance, and level of energy and vitality. By taking steps to prevent it, Ms. Jolie and others help to ensure that they have many more years of good health, time with their loved ones and happy love. Now that’s a beautiful choice.

However, most of us know or can guess that women facing a similar decision usually struggle with the fear that their partner, or if they are not married, men who they may meet and want to date- would be less attracted or outright reject them due to their having had this surgery. Just the thought of it has probably contributed to some women avoiding the issue altogether by skipping the testing and hoping that if they ignore it, they won’t fall victim to it As a therapist, I have worked with woman who have gotten a diagnosis and along with the usual fear of what will happen to their body is the fear of how their spouse, significant other or single men they meet might will feel about it and about them in light of it.

Therefore Ms. Jolie’s decision to go public could have a very positive impact on women who may be at risk. As she moves through the recovery phase and back into her life, glamorous red carpet walks and all- women will redefine what sexy is, and realize that good physical and emotional health is a huge turn-on to men. It will also be up to men to look beneath the surface and really see the beautiful woman in front of them- inside and out.

Sex is probably the first thing that comes to everyone’s mind when that question is posed. And this is certainly true in part. The correct label for someone who does what he has done is “sexual sadist,” because he is motivated by sex- but it is not the kind of sex that occurs between two loving and consensual adults. It is sex that is motivated by lust, cruelty and a need for absolute control. These last two are his foreplay and the sex just wouldn’t be satisfying without them. In addition, his taste runs towards girls, not women. But does he like them young just because of how they look or because they are innocent, more vulnerable and easier to manipulate and control?

Another element here is his impulsivity. In his case, it appears that he did not do a lot of planning before the abductions. They were crimes of opportunity during which he saw a young female and decided to go for it. His behavior is similar to what we see with some serial killers. There are ones who stalk and plan their abductions and kills- and those who don’t. What is unique here is that he didn’t kill them. Since there was no planning, it was likely that once he had used them he would dispose of them- but he did not. He did abuse them (torture actually) physically, psychologically and sexually. The behavior reported so far also has an element of impulsivity and desperation to it- as when he starved and beat one victim in order to cause miscarriages. He could have ended her life, but never went that far. Some might think this was due to some emotional attachment- but more likely it was due to a block. He just couldn’t or wouldn’t take that final step. We can speculate that it’s because he has daughters of his own or that killing requires something he just didn’t have, not yet anyway. We might never know for sure.

What we do know is what he did and what he is telling the police and FBI about those years- and we know that he knew what he did was wrong. This is apparent in his words in an old “suicide” note found in his home and in what he has told authorities. He referred to himself as “cold-blooded” which implies that he was incapable of feeling any guilt or remorse over what he was doing to his victims, which is true. This is what we see with sociopaths.
It’s likely that he’s telling the truth about having been abused himself, however that is not an excuse. There are many good parents, spouses, teachers and other adults who were abused as children who did not grow up to be monsters like those who preyed on him. He had choices to get help and he chose to have victims instead.

There is no sure way to tell if your neighbor, co-worker, friend, relative, or that attractive guy you just met offline or on- is capable of something like this. However, there are always red flags and warning signs- and more of these will come to light as details of this crime continue to emerge. The boogey man is out there and we and those we love are always at risk of being the victim of a crime of opportunity.

Stay safe by being cautious, taking it slow, saying no to strangers, tuning into your instincts- and remembering that for Ariel Castro and monsters like him- this is not just about sex.

It’s become so common, we hardly even notice anymore. It seems that news comes out weekly about a celebrity couple calling it quits. Wasn’t it just yesterday they were newly married and declaring their undying love? Or perhaps it was that they were leaving their current spouse for their real soul mate- who is now about to be their ex.

Once upon a time before social media- their publicists would handle all rumors and breaking news. Usually the advice was to ignore the whisperings and let things die down, then make an announcement and folks would talk for a while, but it would blow over quickly. It was not advised to make any public statements until you had your talking points and story all ironed out.

All of that was before social media. Now celebrity individuals and couples can tweet their response to a rumor, denying and setting the record straight and/or adding more detail and explanation. Just this past week, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne and Will and Jada Smith did just that. Both denied they were in splitsville and reassured folks that they were either working on their issue or hadn’t meant something they said to come out the way it did. Needless to say, their publicists were probably not happy at all. These are certainly two long term marriages by Hollywood standards- and just as a personal observation, both wives use their husband’s last names, which is also unusual. Maybe someone should do study that measures how many celebrity women who take their spouse’s last names keep their marriages together longer. If they do, you will hear all about it here.

Are you bored with reality dating shows yet? Have The Bachelor and The Bachelorette become so predictable that you are itching for something that is more outside the box, edgy, and unpredictable? Dating in the Dark, More to Love, Take Me Out, and The Cougar just didn’t have the spice you were hoping for? Take heart- three new reality dating shows are sure to offer something new in the way of entertainment and shock factor.

Ready for Love, Find Me My Man, and Dates from Hell are here and word out on the street is that they could make confirmed bachelors and bachelorettes of many of their viewers. Ready For love and Find Me My Man attempt to connect daters using the help of a matchmaker -so far, sounds good. The problem appears to be with the women candidates who are vying to be the bachelor’s pick. Their behavior is way out there and even with coaching from the matchmaker, it’s hard to imagine any guy wanting to bring any of them home to the folks, or to a work function or to an activity with friends, or anywhere else.

Dates from Hell has just begun its second season and if nothing else- it’s a cautionary tale about just how wrong a date can go. Any dating singles who watch this show could very well end up choosing to stay at home with a good book, an old movie, their pet- or all of the above. The only reason for the existence of such a show is to let folks know that they need to be very careful and choose wisely who they meet, where, and when- and to walk away at the first sign of any red flag. If you are looking for a good horror story- this should do just fine.

If you decide to check any or all of these out, you may walk away with a new appreciation for decorum, grace, class, manners and “nice” guys and girls. Thinking about the old days of dating could suddenly make you nostalgic. Corny and predictable could become your new dating mantra. Heck, you could walk away from your TV with a new appreciation of that just Ok man or woman you encounter frequently, but don’t think much of. Maybe that’s the point- these shows were designed to help us take a step back and really appreciated all the great single people we see every day.

It’s certainly true that “you can never go home again,” or in the case of single boomers- return to the dating world of one’s youth. Back in the ‘60’s and ‘70’s, AIDS didn’t exist, bacterial infections happened, but weren’t that common, and those nasty little viruses that can lead to cancer, a feeling of malaise, and physical and emotional discomfort, but generally don’t kill, - were virtually unheard of. It was a time of “free love,” when people were becoming more casual about sex, but also valued being in a relationship.

Fast forward to now when many boomers are single again after a marriage has ended through divorce or death- and they are out there dating for the first time in many years. The whole landscape is different- there are new rules, expectations, shifting roles, a lot of casual hook-ups with no strings, and there is much to relearn. Too bad the learning doesn’t start with a caution about how prevalent STD’s have become, and not just among the young.

There seems to be an assumption among boomers that older people are safer due to their long years of monogamy- and too often folks believe that if they are dating another boomer who is recently single, there is no risk. It only takes one casual encounter to put anyone at risk, whether they are 19 or 69. Casual sex is in and it’s everywhere, even amongst the gray haired set.

As a psychotherapist who works with many boomers I have encountered this quite a bit. I often find myself discussing risks with my older clients like I used to do with my very young ones. They are often surprised and unaware that this is something they will need to be on guard about.

Regardless of how old you are, how long it has been since you last dated, how old or recently attached/unattached your perspective partners are- you need to approach any sexual encounter with great caution. It just isn’t worth it - trust me, I hear the stories every day.