If your relationship is humming along so well that it seems too good to be true… or if you and your partner are struggling and you fear you are about to be dumped- there are times you should get out of town and be completely unreachable, because according to facebook the peak break-up times in rank order are:

Spring Break
Valentine’s Day
Two weeks before winter holidays
April Fool’s Day
Summer Holiday
Mondays
Christmas

If you got through the winter holidays unscathed, remember that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. You can always take a mini-trip out of town with ‘single’ friends, or suddenly come down with the flu the day before. However, if you feel confident that your relationship is made in heaven, then enjoy that yearly day for lovers as you sit back and chill- at least until April fools day rolls around.

It’s often said that meeting that right someone has as much to do with luck and timing as it does with careful thought, planning and strategy. I agree that there is much truth in this statement- yet I know how hard that is for many singles to hear and accept. After all, how can you control luck and timing? You can’t- but you can put yourself into new situations and reach out for new experiences that will help you to be in the right place at the right time. Now you may be wondering what in the world I am saying here, so let me use an example.

Virtually everyone is aware of the “Occupy” movement. There are camps in major cities around the country (and even the world)- where people of many different ages are going to live out their protest against big business, the wealthy, and anyone who (in their belief) is one of the privileged 1% of the population. They have banded together, erecting elaborate tent cities and forging a shared identity as that of the oppressed 99%. They have established rules for behavior and governance- and their tent cities have food, medical and community meeting areas. They even have folks who handle PR with the community and interface with police and their elected leaders. In other words, they have established a common cause, sense of identity and become a sub group within the larger culture.

So, it’s only natural that within this environment, love will flourish. After all, their housing is primitive and communal, they must work closely together for the good of the group- and their shared passion is a great aphrodisiac. Unlike their peers, they are not living in communities where many people go about their very separate lives, rarely interacting or getting to know their neighbors. They need each other and they all share a common purpose and reason for being there. There is no way not to get to know one another- as they have repeated contact, help each other out with daily tasks, and interact in a way that singles bars and other social events don’t allow for.

Now, I’m not suggesting you become an “Occupier.” What I am saying is that we can learn from their experience through examining the elements that enable more open and intimate relating. The veneer that layers our busy and disconnected existence needs to be stripped away- leaving us open to new possibilities that are rarely present in our “real lives.”

So, what can a single person do to achieve this? I have always recommended people pursue a passion in order to maximize their opportunity to meet someone they can relate to. (right time). I have also suggested activities that give you the opportunity to let your guard down and that challenge you and help you become part of a like-minded group (right place). Perhaps extreme sports where we must rely on one another physically as well as emotionally, or volunteering to be part of a group that helps build houses or works in a disadvantaged community- or any of the many volunteer opportunities that push us outside of our comfort zone and strip away the carefully laid veneer- and just allow us to be us, and to be one with those around us.

So, let this be a year where you think outside the box, find something new to experience- and push against the boundaries of your comfort zone. Love could be a new experience away if you happen along at the right time.

Yes, this could be a pun about cheating on your significant other- however, I am using it literally this time. Cheaterville.com is a place where those who have been cheated on can go to post all that “too much information” about their ex’s transgressions, behavior disorders, and any and all related pathology. Someone enterprising needs to come up with a site titled (for instance) slandersuit.com- where those dissed exes can go to seek retribution for the slander and character assassination posted on cheaterville.com

Kind of makes me nostalgic for the good old days when the injured party told his or her friends and the news travelled by way of their neighborhood and social and work circles through whispered exchanges at parties and around picnic tables and water coolers.

Supposedly, this site can be used as a tool to do a cheating background check in order to rule out any potential romantic partners who have a problem with monogamy and perhaps have a shortage of human decency (if you believe what you read). Of course, they may not have made the list, but if they have, you will get all the information you could want, and plenty you don’t.

If you have a few minutes and could use a (sick) laugh, go to http://www.cheaterville.com to read about the popular cheaters, featured cheaters, cheater of the day- and all the run of the mill cheaters reported to be out there.

The news sent shock waves to all their fans and anyone who had even loosely followed their “fairytale” wedding. Kim and Kris were married in a lavish (reportedly 10million dollar) wedding on August 20th. 72 days later, Kim filed for divorce from Kris due to the not so blissful union they shared during that brief time. Since the filing, rumors have been circulating about the reasons for their split. These include issues with his work ethic, his partying without her, Kim having to provide him with an allowance while the lock out continued- and a long list of irreconcilable differences- which is what Kim stated as the reason in her divorce action.

Now if you are asking yourself “Why didn’t she know these things about him before they married,” the answer is probably that she did, but she overlooked or rationalized her feelings due to being caught up in the whole storybook love thing. If you find this hard to believe, think again- it’s more common than most folks realize.

As a psychotherapist and relationship coach, I end up working with many individuals who knew within a few short weeks or months after they married that it was a mistake. When I dig a little deeper in my work with them, they often cite many red flags, warning signs and concerns that they had but dismissed or rationalized as nothing more than cold feet. Rarely if ever has someone come to me as an unhappy newlywed and not been able to cite concerns they had had or moments when they wanted to call it all off. Often the reasons have to do with not letting their parents or others down, potential loss of money already spent on deposits and services, embarrassment, and/or a fear that they wouldn’t find anyone else if they let this person go.

I can’t think of a better reason for premarital counseling than the reasons cited above. Too bad more priests, ministers, rabbis and Justices of the Peace don’t see this as an important prerequisite for all couples before saying “I do.” Yes, a certain percentage would decide to call it off- and this is a painful thing to face. But how much harder it is to realize after the big event that you made one of the biggest mistakes of your life.

The wedding is only the first step- unlike in all those fairy tales we grew up with. Happily ever after happens for about half of married couples (with a little sickness, financial struggle, and hard times thrown in) - for the other half, it’s unhappily after and until you can muster up the energy and courage to say “No, I don’t.”

According to a consensus of divorce studies done over the past decade- approximately 50 to 66 percent happen between couples who reported having average happiness and low conflict in their relationships. Common myth has led us to believe that divorce results from abuse, high conflict and other extreme conditions that make it impossible for a couple to work through their problems and heal the marriage. According to the research, the real truth is that divorce happens most often between average couples who have stopped putting the effort into their relationship, joint parenting and the overall good of the family. They have drifted apart and no longer function as a team.

What this clearly implies is that many divorces could be saved. The question is- how can this be done? In their book, Second Chances, Leah Ward Sears and William J. Doherty outline a modest reform that U.S. state legislatures could enact. This reform would require longer waiting periods for divorce and parenting education courses that could be completed online and that would also include information and resources to assist in reconciliation. Information on how to use a non-adversarial approach to divorce would also be available to those who truly believe divorce is the right choice for them.

Considering the huge financial and emotional fallout, especially for children, that often results from divorce- these suggestions make a lot of sense and will hopefully be seen that way by those who write the law.

How many of us wish that we could get a second chance to do something better, choose a different option, or not take that step we have lived to regret? Certainly this is true of many now divorced adults.

I’ve been writing about it for years. Whenever I am interviewed on the topic of chemistry- this is what I emphasize. It is often something I discuss when answering one of the many questions I receive from singles struggling with concerns about compatibility or chemistry in a relationship. In a nutshell, it’s what I recommend folks look for when evaluating someone’s rightness or wrongness for them.

These three elements are physical attraction, friendship and intellectual stimulation. Without physical attraction, you may like the other person a lot and even consider them a best friend- but it’s unlikely you will ever be “in love” with them. If friendship is missing, the relationship could lead to loneliness and a sense that you just can’t or don’t connect. Without intellectual stimulation, you may feel bored, looking around for something or someone different- you may even be thinking about having an affair- just to feel some intensity and challenge.

When I am asked to rank these, I really can’t. Depending upon who you talk to- you would get a different answer. It comes down to preference for everyone- but no one would feel complete without a measure of all three. When I mention intellectual stimulation, I often get a blank look or a comment about how this is like friendship. Actually, it is different in that it is that push/pull that occurs between two people- a kind of healthy tension. This person challenges you, calls you on things, inspires and coaches you towards something more and better. It is never boring- not perfect, and sometimes downright annoying- but never boring.

I am often reminded of something I heard once. A reporter once asked Paul Newman how he and Joanne Woodward kept their relationship together and strong after all those Hollywood years. His answer? “Every morning I wake up next to a different woman.”
Chemistry means it’s never boring, you have a true friend in this person- and even after years together, your heart will still flutter when they walk into a room.

On Tuesday, Elizabeth Bernstein, the relationship columnist at the Wall Street Journal, talked about this after interviewing me for her piece. Check out her column and my input on her page

Caroline Kennedy, the only surviving child of former President John F Kennedy and his wife, Jackie- has just released a book and a series of CDs’ that contain the never- before- heard conversations that the former First Lady had with Arthur Schlesinger, a historian and former friend of the couple. The recordings contained a number of surprises, much political incorrectness and the musings of a woman who was both educated and intelligent- yet believed that a woman’s real place was standing behind and supporting her man.

The world back then knew Jackie to be poised, well-mannered, demure and a silent partner to her powerful and charismatic husband. Indeed, this was the image that she presented to the world. However, as these conversations reveal- there was much more to the First Lady than anyone but her closet friends and family could have known. She had strong and very negative words for describing what she felt about icons like martin Luther King, JR and Prime Minister Indira Gandhi.” Her catty and dismissive tone will come as surprise to all who knew her as a consummate hostess and guest to celebrities, heads of state and kings. This can also be said about her comments regarding politics, marriage and the role of women in society.

The phrase, “behind every successful man there is a powerful woman,” seems to apply well here. Some folks would say that this was the way it was back then- that women knew their place and the smart ones played along for the benefits. Others would say that women felt they had no choice- this was the only option available for them. Neither is really true- there were always choices and Jackie talks candidly about the ones she made and why.

Her life after Jack is also well known for the very different choices she made. She was married a second time to Aristotle Onassis and after his death, she decided to return to work and was hired as a book editor by Viking Press. She later resigned and went to work for Doubleday as an assistant editor. From the mid 1970’s until the time of her death, she lived with Maurice Tempelson- who was separated but never formally divorced from his wife. Her life was a study of how a woman’s personal views and lifestyle choices can change over time. Maturity, experience, triumph and tragedy change not only one’s view, but one’s desires as well. As Jackie went from a young wife and mother to a middle-aged twice widowed woman, she sought different achievements and apparently found happiness in a different kind of intimate relationship.

There is no one place for any women. The only rightful place is the one that she chooses, regardless of what others may think.

There’s hooking up, friends with benefits, co-habitation- and now, another non-married partnership, the stayover relationship. This one seems to be gaining ground in the “I don’t want to commit to marriage or living together” set. These couples have sleepovers from 3-7 nights a week on average. They like having their own space and they either have no interest in moving towards commitment or are in a phase of their relationship where they are assessing their rightness and/or comfort with this other person for something more permanent.

Two things strike me about this. One is how creatively folks are applying the term “relationship,” and two, that this could be a popular option during the great recession we are in. Whatever happened to practicality, convenience and cost saving? Maybe the high rate of traumatic break-ups between non-married partners has led to an increase in caution and restraint. Of course, if we continue with this pattern, there will be couples who parent together, share some expenses, call themselves a couple- but live in separate homes and have part time separate lives. There are couples out there like this now- but there may be more of them.

What all this might come down to is a response to the negative feelings regarding divorce that many young people who grew up in divorced homes have. If someone suffered a more difficult childhood due to divorce, they may grow up to believe that a non-committed marriage can keep them safe from that pain- and from bringing children into the same situation. The only problem with this thinking is that it is simplistic and flawed. You can’t remain only a little committed as partners and parents. At some point, these people will find that they want more; something different and/or that life will get too complicated to keep a no-commitment relationship working and meeting their needs.

Want to read more about this? Check out this newly released study

For years, many people have been engaging in casual sex with people they know. There are the folks who are divorced yet get together sexually from time to time. There are the exes who were never married and find that even though they don’t want to marry this person, the sex is nice and convenient. Then there are the folks who are truly friends who seek comfort, consolation or something else from their friend and it is reciprocated- at least the sex is. In a growing number of those situations, one of the partners feels more and wants more, but fears even bringing it up for fear of scaring away their friend. Kind of makes you wish for the old days when boundaries were much clearer and people either were, or were not- involved romantically.

Now we even have a movie about it. Funny, engaging, lots of chemistry- not too much like the reality that so many FWB find themselves living in. Sometimes art doesn’t do too well in imitating life. FWB comes in all ages, sizes, and kinds of relationships. They are the nice, quiet woman down the hall or a co-worker who is known as a workaholic with no real social life. They often find themselves falling into these relationships during stressful, lonely times or perhaps after a bad break-up or loss of someone they love.

The bottom line is that it’s not that easy to be intimately involved, yet not intimately involved. Being a little committed in moments, then shifting back to friends- often watching your friend get involved with or express an attraction to someone else. Yes, in the movies, it often turns out so well- like with Harry and Sally and Dylan and Jamie. If only this could happen more often in real life.

Remember that if you find yourself falling into an FWB relationship, you need to prepare yourself for heartache, disappointment and potential loss. It could turn to lasting love, but often it doesn’t. Also remember that while you are spending your time, energy and heart on someone else, Mr. or Ms Right could be walking by.

Consumer rankings.com has come out with a list of the 5 best dating sites of 2011. According to their reviews and comparisons, the top rated sites are:

1. Match.com
2. Chemistry.com
3. PerfectMatch.com
4. eHarmony.com
5. spark.com

The features that were weighed most heavily to determine their rankings included size of membership and/or number of connections, search technology offered, match suggestions based on specific criteria- some that focused on compatibility matching based on a specially designed questionnaire, a few that are cell phone friendly, which allows a user to search from any location, one that offers a side-by-side comparison of all profiles that the user finds during their search, and one that requires all of its users, both free and paid, to upload a photo within 72 hours of registration. All sites except eHarmony offered a free trial and limited free usage.

If you are dissatisfied with the dating site you are presently using or are just starting the process of looking for one that best fits you, I suggest you check out the review on consumerrankings.com. It’s not a total answer, but it will help save you some time, energy, and possibly, cash. Go to: and check it out.