Are you an online dater who has encountered profiles of folks who look great on paper and seem to hold a lot of promise- only to find out later that they are actually married or in a non-married committed relationship? If so, you may be in the market for some additional help to weed out the would be cheaters and spotlight those who are truly single and sincerely looking for love.

Enter Zidelity- the website that acts as a go-between for its users by screening out any individuals registered on dating sites who are already in relationships, while offering a safe place for two people to build trust through its environment of openness and transparency. Users control how much privacy they want around their new relationship, until and if they choose to announce it to others by using the site’s Selective Transparency technology. They cannot change their relationship status or any other pertinent information without the other knowing about it. Of course, the catch is that in order to take advantage of this service, both parties need to be registered.

It’s easy and free to sign up and if you come across an interesting profile, you can check to see if the person is a Zidelity user already. If not, you can suggest it after making a promising connection. Anyone who has nothing to hide, is truly interested in you and is sincere about finding a relationship should be open to joining you on Zidelity.com

Check it out on: http://www.zidelity.com/

It seems as though the universal goal of all people is to seek happiness- the definition of which we have never really grasped. Perhaps this is because as people we experience happiness in different ways and have very different capacities for feeling and expressing it. Therefore, it just isn’t the same for everyone.

However, we all strive for or see it as the goal for our personal and professional lives. But is it possible that the one thing we seek above all else may not be very good for us- and perhaps may leave us all with much less than what we have been promised?

Ongoing studies on the topic suggest this to be the case. According to a large amount of research, happy people have a tendency to be more selfish, naive and less successful than their less happy, more cynical counterparts. It’s hard to imagine we may have been chasing something that won’t deliver what it promises. If the research conclusions are correct, it helps to make sense of the observation that money, fame and career success often don’t lead people to be happy- and often those who have a large share of one or more of these are in emotional pain, suffering from addictions and experiencing very public break-ups and downfalls.

Is the answer to stop wishing for and striving for happiness? I don’t think so. Instead, we may need to redefine what happiness means for all of us- and perhaps borrow from the Buddhist tradition that teaches that “life is suffering,” which helps believers take the bad times in stride and be completely present when life offers them happy love, meaningful work, good health and any of the many good things that can come to us.

Accepting that a happy life is not a life free of suffering, struggle, loss and regret- but instead is one in which we take these on and put one foot in front of the other day after day, living life to the best of our ability and finding gratitude in what we are able to achieve and accomplish- may be the best answer to ‘what is happiness.”

There’s only one way to find out and today is a great time to get started.

HBO is coming out with a new series titled “Girls,” that is a little bit “Sex and the City,” a little bit “Looking for Mr. Goodbar,” and a little bit “50 Shades of Grey.” It features a single, professional and sexually open Brooklyn woman who engages in submissive, depersonalized, demeaning sex- all the while talking about the need to be like men and not allow herself to feel too much or expect any emotional closeness in her relationship.

If this is an accurate portrayal of current dating trends and attitudes as the writer of this series suggests, it would seem that women have come a long way in the boardroom yet have taken many steps backwards in the bedroom. Was feminism really about making women be just like men as the lead character and her friends in “Girls” appear to be trying to do? Or have women somehow taken a very wrong turn that is leading them to an emotionally unfulfilling and lonely place?

Perhaps women are growing weary of all the pressure to compete and achieve their hard earned equality. They are attending college and earning four year degrees at a higher rate than their male counterparts. Many women are also becoming the breadwinners for their families, earning more than their spouses or being the sole breadwinner while their spouse stays home to raise the kids. Often, working women also carry most of the family and household responsibilities if their spouse works outside of the home- effectively having two full time jobs. Nice work, Gloria- got any other great ideas.

If it is true that women are looking for a way to deal with their new role- sexual submission, and sex for fun with no complications may offer them a chance to role play as the weaker sex, or to just turn off their biologically driven feelings and try to enjoy meaningless, uncomplicated sex that they don’t have to work too hard at or worry about the consequences afterwards.

Wow, if this is a new normal for young women, then I’m happy to be from an older generation when it was ok to be who we really were, to lean on guys for support and sustenance sometimes, to dream about romance and love and set these as goals for our dating life. We knew we were intelligent and capable, we pursued higher education and our career choices- and we knew what we wanted in our relationships and didn’t compromise on the important stuff or sell ourselves short. I think we also knew we couldn’t “have it all,” that in fact, there is no such thing. So, compromising for the chance at happy love and marriage was acceptable and sometimes the right choice for the life we wanted.

Everyone is talking, blogging and writing about it. It is the anything but typical love story between Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. Anastasia is a young, innocent virgin who meets and falls for Grey- a complex and dangerous man who loves to dominate and inflict physical pain during intimacy. Right up front, I had two questions: What could she possibly see in him? And “Why are so many women readers hooked on this first book and anxious to read the next one in this disturbing trilogy?

Hint- there is SOMETHING about bad boys. They are dark and dangerous, mysterious, never boring, filled with paradoxes- and keep us on the edge of our seats, just like this book does. The candid truth about women is that they love edgy guys who take charge and in doing so contribute to their feeling more “womanly’ and “feminine.” Oh, admit it, ladies- this is what romance novels and “Twilight” genre movies are all about. Strong, rescuing men who sweep the helpless or at risk heroine off her feet and carry her to an exciting place dominated by him. She relies on his strength, bravery, power and leadership for safety and even her identity.

Since the rise of feminism, women have taken on new and different roles- often the ones that had been typically filled by men. Women have become breadwinners, executives, business owners, high level professionals and co-partners in their relationships. They are increasingly taking the lead when in social and dating situations and men are stepping back to make room for them to do this. Just what all women want, right? Maybe yes, maybe no- or a little of both. Perhaps deep down inside there is a longing for the old roles and way of relating- when men were men and women could lean on them and count on them to take care of them and their children. Perhaps women have discovered that being the strong one isn’t all its cracked up to be given all the weight and responsibility that comes along with the job.

Careful if you are tempted to use the “dinosaur’ word about me right now- I’m just speaking at least the partial truth. Because examining the issue could help both men and women in their search for relationships that meet their needs on a number of different levels. Perhaps this book could lead to a more open and candid dialogue that would facilitate greater understanding and even harmony between the sexes.

If a woman’s fantasies are ignited by this trilogy- men should take note.

It seems the art of flirting may be going the way of land lines and hand written letters. There is now an app designed to express interest, make introductions and offer first lines of conversation. Users can choose from a menu of lines telling someone they have noticed them, bring these up on their little screen and show them to their new interest in a bar, at a singles event or anywhere a compatible person may be found. Imagine having a screen shoved in front of you on the metro or at church- this could get interesting….. If interested look up “iFlirt4u” to read all about it.

Then there is an app “Flirt-wikiHow” that contains tips and step by step instructions for flirting as well as warnings about what to look out for. Volunteers contribute to this, so it is filled with their experiences and related best tips. Humm, could put folks like me out of business…not.

Then there’s AXE Auto Romeo that lets guys talk to many women at the same time. So reassuring to know how special we are. It sends personalized messages to women on the user’s behalf. He doesn’t need to do much but select and program to send. You can get these through Apple or Android.

Back before we had this technology, women often made fun of guys they had just met using lines on them. Do you remember the jokes about “What’s your sign,” or “I know I’ve never met you because if I had, I would not have forgotten you.” It seems we haven’t progressed very far in our understanding of what really turns someone on and how the personal/genuine/sincere connection is what really matters. Now, we can really limit ourselves to a few canned lines, sent out to many people at once- just to make sure we are maximizing the numbers game. Ah, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Eric Klinenberg, a professor of sociology at New York University, has written a book titled “Going Solo”- in which he attempts to debunk all the old negative stereotypes about single adults. For his book, he interviewed singles from both sexes and all ages, income groups, careers and even folks who are retired. The only commonality was their single and solo lifestyle. Many talked about the positives of living alone and having the freedom to make choices, focus on their own interests and never having to compromise.

However, the expected downsides were also brought up. Loneliness, the lack of a partner to be there when things go wrong and in their old age, and not having children were some of the concerns they raised. Many of these overlap with those expressed by people in relationships- because being coupled is not a guarantee that someone will never be lonely or go without support and companionship. The common thread the author highlighted is the need for a supportive and connected environment in which all people, regardless of their relationship status- can get their basic needs met and meet the needs of others around them.

Mr. Klinenberg came to the conclusion that policies fostering interaction and community are needed. That is one way we could try to go about this.

However, when I read his conclusions, I thought about the urban tribes that have sprung up in many communities among young singles. I also thought about the wonderful book, “Katie up and down the hall,” in which a dog named Katie connected five neighbors in a high rise building in Battery Park, Manhattan- and together, they formed a family. Maybe establishing more policies is not what is needed. Maybe slowing down, talking to our neighbors and trying to get to know them, suggesting community get togethers and celebrations- and maybe even getting an outgoing and lovable dog- could make this happen.

This week the journal, Psychological Science in the Public Interest published a report that reviews over 400 studies that examined the usefulness and outcomes of online dating. According to the journal report, social scientists worry that singles are being seduced to join dating sites by claims that the matching algorithms they have designed are scientifically based tools that give daters an edge in finding that right someone. However, the evidence they looked at points to the fact that great matches result more from luck and timing- and perhaps a winning profile and good self-marketing.

The different algorithms used by sites such as eharmony, OKCupid and Chemistry.com were examined- and the report’s conclusion is that the sites have “tended to focus on the information that is easy for them to assess, like similarity in personality and attitudes, rather than the information that relationship science has found to be crucial for predicting long-term relationship well-being. As a result, these algorithms are unlikely to be effective.” Hmmmm, and you thought you were getting more for your money with one of these.

Social scientists do recognize that online dating sites can be useful because they offer singles access to meeting people they would never come across in the social, work and leisure circles in which they move. Online meeting also has the advantage of offering quick and convienient access to other singles who are also looking to meet people to date. However, reading through profiles can be overwhelming and often there are so many choices that it makes it hard to make a choice. There is also the issue of meeting people who are also communicating with-and meeting others at the same time. The authors also point out that many people end up hooking up and/or having brief affairs- but fewer find lasting connections.

My take? Online dating is one tool in your meeting and dating kit. Signing up for a well managed site and creating a great profile will help you increase your odds of meeting people. Dating is partially a numbers game. It’s important to check emails frequently, spend consistent time each week reading through profiles- and especially reading between the lines and then keeping an open mind about who you should contact. Keep your expectations reasonable and don’t put all your eggs in the online dating basket. Balance in dating is just as important as balance in life. Love could come along when you are out walking your dog, running an errand, in church or at a friend’s party. For more on this, check out: http://www.consum-mate.com/article.php?id=40&catid=9

If you have been recently dumped with no real explanation, perhaps even through the use of a break-up app- take heart, there is an app that can help you to get some closure. Wotwentwrong.com is a tool that helps you compose a letter to your ex that has a greater chance of actually getting a response back.

Wotwentwrong takes you through a feedback request using templates that are designed to help your ex feel comfortable enough about what you have written to give more honest answers to your difficult questions about what went wrong on the date or in the relationship. These templates actually contain drop down menus that list feelings you are currently experiencing, as well as an array of choices for them about what wasn’t right between you that led to the break-up. This way they don’t have to spend a lot of time reflecting on their feelings, labeling them and then sharing them with you- a pretty daunting task for someone who dumped you without any real explanation.

So if you are looking for a way to express some bottled up hurt and have not been successful getting an adequate or any response to those burning questions of what happened and why- consider checking out
http://www.wotwentwrong.com

If your relationship is humming along so well that it seems too good to be true… or if you and your partner are struggling and you fear you are about to be dumped- there are times you should get out of town and be completely unreachable, because according to facebook the peak break-up times in rank order are:

Spring Break
Valentine’s Day
Two weeks before winter holidays
April Fool’s Day
Summer Holiday
Mondays
Christmas

If you got through the winter holidays unscathed, remember that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. You can always take a mini-trip out of town with ‘single’ friends, or suddenly come down with the flu the day before. However, if you feel confident that your relationship is made in heaven, then enjoy that yearly day for lovers as you sit back and chill- at least until April fools day rolls around.

It’s often said that meeting that right someone has as much to do with luck and timing as it does with careful thought, planning and strategy. I agree that there is much truth in this statement- yet I know how hard that is for many singles to hear and accept. After all, how can you control luck and timing? You can’t- but you can put yourself into new situations and reach out for new experiences that will help you to be in the right place at the right time. Now you may be wondering what in the world I am saying here, so let me use an example.

Virtually everyone is aware of the “Occupy” movement. There are camps in major cities around the country (and even the world)- where people of many different ages are going to live out their protest against big business, the wealthy, and anyone who (in their belief) is one of the privileged 1% of the population. They have banded together, erecting elaborate tent cities and forging a shared identity as that of the oppressed 99%. They have established rules for behavior and governance- and their tent cities have food, medical and community meeting areas. They even have folks who handle PR with the community and interface with police and their elected leaders. In other words, they have established a common cause, sense of identity and become a sub group within the larger culture.

So, it’s only natural that within this environment, love will flourish. After all, their housing is primitive and communal, they must work closely together for the good of the group- and their shared passion is a great aphrodisiac. Unlike their peers, they are not living in communities where many people go about their very separate lives, rarely interacting or getting to know their neighbors. They need each other and they all share a common purpose and reason for being there. There is no way not to get to know one another- as they have repeated contact, help each other out with daily tasks, and interact in a way that singles bars and other social events don’t allow for.

Now, I’m not suggesting you become an “Occupier.” What I am saying is that we can learn from their experience through examining the elements that enable more open and intimate relating. The veneer that layers our busy and disconnected existence needs to be stripped away- leaving us open to new possibilities that are rarely present in our “real lives.”

So, what can a single person do to achieve this? I have always recommended people pursue a passion in order to maximize their opportunity to meet someone they can relate to. (right time). I have also suggested activities that give you the opportunity to let your guard down and that challenge you and help you become part of a like-minded group (right place). Perhaps extreme sports where we must rely on one another physically as well as emotionally, or volunteering to be part of a group that helps build houses or works in a disadvantaged community- or any of the many volunteer opportunities that push us outside of our comfort zone and strip away the carefully laid veneer- and just allow us to be us, and to be one with those around us.

So, let this be a year where you think outside the box, find something new to experience- and push against the boundaries of your comfort zone. Love could be a new experience away if you happen along at the right time.