Robert Epstein, PhD and former editor of Psychology Today magazine wrote an article for the Scientific American Mind that talks about a new (and radical) way of finding love. Essentially, Dr. Epstein believes that we can nurture and grow romantic feelings towards someone we barely know or haven’t felt if we do know them. This is done through having a couple “act” intimately through intimate touching, sharing confidences, and spending time together, pursuing joint interests and passions.

Epstein was himself part of such an experiment- and they fell in love. However, she was from another country and eventually the logistics made it nearly impossible to sustain the relationship. Perhaps absence does not make the heart grow fonder- and that the opposite is indeed true. Hummmm…

Dr. Epstein is also studying arranged marriages and the statistics that detail their rates of satisfaction, longevity and rate of divorce. His research so far shows that these marriages have a better track record than the ones that are a result of old fashioned falling in love. We can debate why this is true- but it certainly is something to think about.

It’s a refreshing thought that perhaps falling in love is not as dependent upon good luck and/or the right timing and circumstances, as we have all been taught to believe. Maybe, just maybe, it is possible to CHOOSE who you will love and spend a lifetime with. Consider this the next time you set out to a club, party, group activity- or to pursue your day to day activities. That stranger may not look your type- but if they have some interest, true love could be around the corner.

Today’s Washington Post has an interesting piece on happiness. It talks about last week’s AP-Ffk poll that showed that 78 % of Americans rate themselves are “very happy” or “somewhat happy.” This is a fairly high percentage- considering the current financial state of our union, two wars, and an increasing political and ideological divide among our citizens. Therefore, the question becomes, “Where does happiness come from, and what factors weigh most heavily in contributing or detracting from it?” This is a question that philosophers have been asking for thousands of years- and the answer remains elusive and mostly subjective.

Since the pursuit of happiness is the ultimate goal for all of us, the New Year is a great time for each of us to think about where we fall on the happiness scale- and what lifestyle changes or additions we could consider that could help us raise our happiness quotient in 2010. When you are reflecting on this consider factors such as stress, social supports, job satisfaction, intimate relationships (friends, family, and partner), use of leisure time, activity level, diet, and inner life (spiritual/emotional).

Approaching your resolutions in this way will help you to come up with a list that reflects what you really want and need- not what you think you should want and need. The best way to set resolutions that you don’t follow through on or forget about by February, is to set yourself up to make changes that you have no real interest or investment in.

Let 2010 be the year you will pursue greater happiness- following whatever paths hold the most promise for you. They may feel the scariest at first, but taking calculated risks is something that all successful people credit for their success.

Happy Holidays!

Some news from the front lines… I am now the Nonverbal Communication Examiner for the DC edition of the Examiner.com. I have posted a few articles that deal with topics that are not necessarily dating themed- but all are about all the things we say with our behavior, body language and silence.

Feel free to check it out, add a comment, suggest a DC themed article on nonverbal communication- or just see if it can be useful to you in your quest to become an effective communicator.

You can find my page by clicking here

It’s amazing how many dating shows have sprung up since the original, “The Bachelor.” We have been treated to The Bachelorette, The Age of Love, Dating in the Dark, and More to Love. There have also been some on cable and other channels that are less well known. Each features a specific angle or twist, and More to Love is about just that- plus size folks looking for love.

I have been following the show, and what I find interesting is the focus that the producers, bachelor and bachelorettes have all placed on the importance of looking at who each woman is on the inside- and not on her appearance. However, like in all these dating shows, the women are carefully coiffed, made up and dressed. The bachelor often remarks on how beautiful they look when they go out on one of their dates. Indeed, a number of these women would be considered “knock-outs” by men in general if they were to achieve an average weight.

With all this emphasis on not emphasizing weight, I am struck by the fact that Luke (the bachelor) has narrowed his candidates down to three of the “smallest” women from the original group. Coincidence, who knows? They are also quite attractive. Two are professionals and one is a waitress, and their backgrounds are very diverse. So, the common denominator seems to go back to looks- as well as the connection he feels he has with them.

I must say that Luke is one of the sincerest and nicest of all the bachelors we have been treated to. He goes out of his way to reassure the ladies that they are beautiful and special- no matter what message they may have been getting to the contrary from other men. I hope he really does pick someone who is truly into him for who he is- and not how he makes her feel or what he may have to offer in other areas.

Tonight Luke will narrow the field down to two women. I have my favorite, and it’s not the catty blonde. Also can’t wait to see which way he will go with the woman from a very different religious and cultural background. This show could teach us a few things I think. Stay tuned…

To read more commentary on More to Love, click here

The other day a funny thing happened on my drive through a busy intersection near my home. A young man was standing on the corner with a large sign hanging down almost to his shins that said; “I CHEATED. THIS IS MY PUNISHMENT.” As you can imagine, a bit of a crowd had already gathered, and, of course, the media were amassing with their cameras and mikes. At first, I couldn’t help but think it was a joke (maybe filming for a reality show?) However, as I watched, I realized it was probably more than that. Later that evening, all the channels were carrying the piece. Apparently, the man (who I won’t name here) left evidence on his cell phone that he was cheating, and his wife discovered it. They had a rather heated discussion during which he said something like; “What do you want me to do? I will do anything.” The sign was what she came up with, and apparently, she was the one who carefully and clearly wrote out its message…

The first thing that occurred to me is that this guy really, really, really wants to save his marriage. Upon that realization, I then thought, “Why would he cheat on a woman he clearly did not want to loose”? The answer to that is for another blog. I also thought about why his wife would choose a very public airing of his infidelity, which could also expose her to public humiliation. Finally, I again wondered if there was more to this than meets the eye.

In a world where folks become contestants on reality shows with the hope of being “discovered,” I couldn’t help wondering if this was a stunt with a similar intention behind it. I haven’t yet made up my mind about that one- am waiting for the follow-up pieces, if there are any. After all, the story was picked up by local and national media- and I am sure has been aired in other countries as well. For sure it has made it to You Tube, and therefore, the world. Whether his intention was to become famous or not- this guy is certainly getting his 15 minutes of infamy.

Back to his wife…what was she thinking? Maybe to her this was the ultimate test of his true feelings for her, and the extent to which he would go to prove them to her. Once trust is damaged, it can take a long time to get it back- if ever. Perhaps she did not want to waste that time, and decided to roll the dice- and go for all or nothing. Or, perhaps the famous line from “The Mourning Bride” by William Congreve offers the best explanation here. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” After what I witnessed, I’d say he was right on.

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Women are always asking; “What do guys want in a woman?” I thought I could help answer that by taking a closer look at the traits that attracted men to Jillian Harris, the most recent bachelorette on ABC. Jillian was characterized as someone that “everyone loves,” and she ended the show with three great guys sharing that they had fallen in love with her. There were also a number of guys who were sent home who admitted to being crazy about her, and as I watched and listened I asked myself; “What is it about Jillian that men love.”

I have watched many of the past seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette- not all, but many. Often they conclude with a scene in which the final person is chosen and they profess their undying love- which usually lasts a few weeks or months, maybe. Each segment has its share of characters, would be stars, neurotics, and others who are thought to be there for reasons other than a desire to find true love. Often there is a sense that no real attachments have been formed and that it is easy for everyone to walk away.

In the Jillian season, it seemed that right from the start there was electricity as she walked into the room. Not only is she a very attractive woman, she is bright, sincere, cute, bubbly, outgoing, adventurous and kind. Her magnetism seemed strong as she interacted with the guys, and the chemistry was heavy right from the first cocktail party. There was just SOMETHING about Jillian right from the start. In the previous season, she was not even the runner up with Jason, yet she was the overwhelming choice for the next season, but why?

Looks are important, and Jillian is great looking, but so are many women. Intelligence and career success are something men find very attractive, yet many women who are unsuccessful in love, possess these. So, (drum roll, please) what is unique about this woman? Based on what men have been telling me for years, what I saw on the show, and the traits I saw in Jillian- I believe her greatest assets are her sense of adventure, her positive and upbeat temperament, and her caring and nurturing nature. Men love women who are fun and easy to be with- as opposed to drama queens and whiners, who are often high maintenance, critical and demanding. Men also look for women who would nurture and care for them and for any future children, not women who are just looking for a guy to take care of them. Men are drawn to women that their parents/families and friends would like, the kind of girl who would easily fit into the family and who would share the same values and goals for the future. Jillian had all these and more.

If you are a woman looking to make that right love connection, reflect on who you are and what you project to others around you. If you have had negative feedback from ex lovers, friends and/or family regarding how you come across or treat others- set a goal to begin making small changes now, today, this minute. Think about the kind of person you would want to have as your life partner- and work to become that person

For years there has been an on going debate about the pros and cons of living together before (outside of) marriage. Many folks believe it gives the couple a chance to have a trial run of experiencing intimacy with someone before they make the biggest decision of their lives. They would see each other at their worst, not just their best. All those annoying habits or “cute quirks” could look very different when they become part of the fabric of one’s daily existence. Potential issues would surface before their lives became bound together by a shared mortgage, children, differing needs and wants, etc. Makes a compelling argument for cohabitation, doesn’t it?

Not so fast….A new study has come out that shines a light on the cons of shacking up- and it offers specifics, mostly from men- that should give pause to anyone considering such a move. The study looks at and compares divorce rates and marital satisfaction of those who lived together before marriage and those who did not. It found that those who did not live together before marriage reported significantly higher rates of satisfaction with their marriages- 7 percent higher than those who got engaged before living together, and nine percent higher than those who moved in with no plan for marriage.

This university of Denver study conducted telephone surveys with more than 1,000 married men and women between the ages of 18 and 34 who had been married 10 or fewer years. Their questions were designed to tease out specific data regarding marital satisfaction and what role living together before marriage plays in predicting happiness outcomes. What they found is that many couples who were living together basically “fell into” marriage because it would have been more difficult to make the break after they had combined finances, households, and social networks.

As a therapist and relationship coach, I was pleased and not surprised by these findings. Too often over the years when working with a couple seeking divorce, one of the spouses has verbalized that they just went along with the relationship for the sake of convenience, money or because they did not know how to back out once they had already made the commitment of living together. In a nutshell, it seemed much easier at the time. I have heard this more often from men, and the study did say that men were more likely to verbalize these reasons.

The bottom line is that many of these couples may have chosen to end their relationship due to problems with incompatibility had they not been living together already and concerned about what they may be giving up or facing with such a decision. What singles should take away from this study is the idea that it is important to move toward marriage in a thinking way, making the decision based on all the right reasons. If you must live together before marriage, discuss taking the step towards engagement first. If your partner balks at this, it may be the first sign that you should continue dating while maintaining separate households- and then re-evaluate your relationship and where you want it to go.

To read more about this study, go to

She FINALLY sent him home. For weeks, many folks watched Jillian as she continued to offer Wes a rose at each end of the segment ceremony. Even though she had heard from one guy that “someone has a girlfriend and is here for the wrong reasons,” then, specifically from Jake that Wes told him he has a girlfriend and was here for the publicity. Jillian just wouldn’t or couldn’t believe it. Now to be completely fair to Jillian, she did ask Wes specifically about these allegations- and pointedly asked him about this “ex girlfriend” he had talked about. Jillian also met Wes’s family on their hometown date to Texas- and his family communicated that Wes was there looking for love and that he is a very sincere guy who is ready for a relationship. Apparently they were all in on it, which would have been hard to believe. Still, many of us had our doubts.

What Jillian neglected to factor in, or was clueless about, was Wes’s non-verbal communication throughout his time on the show. Often, his eyes would look away when he was speaking to her; he consistently maintained physical space between them, and his tone of voice and affect were incongruent with what he was saying (”I am here for the right reasons and really dig you”- coupled with poor eye contact, a flat tone and stiff posture where he tilted away from her.) Wes came across as secretive, agitated, apathetic, disinterested and bored- you get the picture. Jillian appeared to see his behavior as “sweet, laid back, cool and easy going.” Was it me or was this just too obvious for a bright, perceptive woman like Jillian to miss?

Must have been the Bad Boy factor. Just what is it about those guys? Their disinterested, bored and aloof countenance seem to say, “cool, hard to get, and confident” to too many otherwise smart ladies. Throw in the songwriting, singing, in a band angle- and they become irresistible- at least to some. As I thought about Wes, I remembered a story my spouse told me. When he was about 18, he was in a club in Boston where a friend of his was playing with his band. During a break, this friend asked my husband to hold his guitar. In the time it took the band member to go to the head, my spouse got hit on no less than three times- because he appeared to be one of the musicians. What is up with that? Enough there for another blog entry to be sure.

On a personal note, I do not find Wes to be a very attractive package- inside or out. His personality was flat compared with Jillian’s effervescence, and as I recall, he really had nothing interesting to talk about. Then there was that song he said he wrote for Jillian. Entertaining, inspiring, brilliant, and fun to listen to? Well, that’s also a matter of taste.

Whatever your impression of and thoughts toward Wes may be, I think we all can agree that he was there for the wrong reasons, deliberately deceived Jillian about it- and qualifies as a truly “Bad Boy.” After his time on the show, “everyone will (may) know my face”- but will anyone want to buy his music?

Ellen McCarthy of the Washington Post writes a great column titled, “On Love.” On Sunday, June 28th, Ellen tells the story of 2 people (Kay Ann & Brian) who met in college, were good friends, but had “no chemistry”- then connected again at the age of 29 and fell in love and got married.

What’s really interesting about their story is that they both readily agree that they had so much in common and were very compatible as friends. Both had an interest in DC and politics, and both were involved in their school’s debate club. He had a relationship with a woman back home, but it ended after a few years- and when they graduated, they just lost touch.

Turns out they both stayed in DC, both had careers in republican politics- and their offices were blocks apart- yet years passed with no contact. She just happened to see his name when she was doing some research, and she emailed him. They got together, went out as friends- and then one night- something just happened. The way they tell it, it was just a moment when he asked for a kiss, and their relationship fell into a romantic pace after that.

So, what changed? Kay Ann and Brian say it’s that they realized how compatible they are, and that things just clicked in a new way for them. My take on it is that timing plays a bigger role than many folks realize. How many people would have chosen their mates differently if they had made the choice when they were in a different phase of their life? When they were in school, they were looking for physical sparks instead of friendship. Perhaps they did not believe that physical attraction could co-exist with great friendship- a belief held by far too many people. Somehow, the life experiences they had in their 20’s opened their minds to a new view of relationships and helped them to see each other anew.

If you have a great friend who is also attractive and available, don’t dismiss the possibilities just yet. It may be that the timing isn’t quite right, or that they are just not able to see you as anyone but their good buddy. So, go out and date other people, but stay in touch. When the time is just right, that right moment could come for you.

Just when we thought we had seen it all with the cheating political spouse syndrome- along comes Mark Sanford with his new twist to an old story. The first part follows the same tired plot- he cheats, gets caught by his wife who tells him to stop and she will forgive him; but he keeps it up on the sly and gets outed. He then fesses up during a hastily arranged press conference, praising his wife and quoting the bible and other great men who have foolishly given in to their weaknesses. Then, the story takes a new turn…

The Governor’s wife kicks him out, goes on a vacation with her kids, tells the media in her own statement that his political career is not her concern- and offers some carefully crafted words regarding her need to set the right example for her sons. Not once has she been seen with him in public since the story broke. When she has made an appearance, she has been dressed casually, going about her day/vacation with her children around her. She has appeared composed, cool and completely comfortable in her skin. Her body language seems to be saying,” I have nothing to be ashamed of,” and nothing she could say would ring truer than that. How refreshing is this lovely, educated, intelligent, devoted political spouse and stay at home mom. She seems to be able to compartmentalize her feelings to the extent that she is able to be clear whose problem this mess is- and what she will and will not be a party to supporting/fixing/covering up/enabling, etc.

How does she do this? My gut tells me that Ms. Sanford has been dealing with these feeling for a lot longer than this story has been out there. Her gabby hubby has waxed on about his inappropriate dealings with many women, and has shared that he has been in love with this other woman for quite some time. My guess is that his wife has sensed all of this, and that even before she had proof, she knew…As a “good Christian,” she has said that she wants to work towards forgiveness, but he certainly isn’t making that any easier for her. Ask ANY cheated on woman what is worse- it’s just about the sex, or he has feelings for her. Want to guess what their virtually unanimous response would be? Yup- it’s a death knell to their relationship if he has an emotional attachment to the other woman. Sex is just sex; everything else is much bigger- especially to women.

Any hope for forgiveness and reconciliation began to dim when the Gov began pouring forth his deep feelings for his Argentinean “soul mate.” It seemed as though he was unable to stop himself from barring his deepest feelings for her to anyone who would listen. Confession may be good for the soul, but it can be a destroyer of marriages when every little thought and deed is broadcast.

What is worse than a man cheating on you? Having that man fall in love with the woman he is cheating with.