Tag: NY Times Modern Love

Words won’t help your hook-up odds

There was an interesting Modern Love piece in the NY times a week or so ago. It was written by Gabrielle Ulubay, and is titled, For Best Hookup Results, Use Your Words, O.K.? Right off the bat, I was suspicious of the title and after reading it, definitely see a different way to get to a better outcome.

To begin with, just the term hookup conveys sex with no strings. It’s a coming together of two strangers who are looking for fun without commitment and a relationship. If this author truly wanted just a fun sexual experience, why would she be upset when she doesn’t ever hear from the guy again? According to Gabrielle, guys should just be honest during a hookup—not expressing any attraction/interest/admiration beyond the physical act. Then somehow, the experience would feel better/be better for anyone who participates in it.

Maybe I just can’t help myself, but when I read between Gabrielle’s lines, I heard her express a desire for something more than a one-night stand. She wanted to hear the words, though they frightened her because she feared they were not genuine. However she wanted to believe they were—which tells me that she wants more than a hookup.

I am not suggesting that Gabrielle should not enjoy sex “as much as a guy does.” There is nothing wrong with that. But by not being completely honest with herself about what she wants beyond the sex, is helping to keep her in this unhappy pattern. She even references her fears that this guy will find out that she hooks up a lot, and will see her differently. This suggests she is not truly OK with how she sees herself, and no amount of loving and adoring words from someone else can change that. Nor will doing the same thing over and over again bring different results—unless she just gets lucky.

If Gabrielle were my client, I would begin by talking to her about her relationship goals/dreams/desires, or lack thereof. I would encourage her to explore her own heart—without the voices of the larger culture weighing in. For instance, is she telling herself she only wants to have a good time, to enjoy the sex and the guy’s brief company without strings? Or somewhere deep down, is there a hope for something more—a best friend, lover, and partner? If so, why can’t she admit this to herself? Is there a fear she will seem desperate, weak, an un-feminist? So what, is her goal is to find her heart’s desire, what does it matter what other might think?

Then I would encourage Gabrielle to approach dating differently. I would suggest no sex for a number of dates or even months. This way, she and the guy (if he is still interested when she says no) will get to know each other a bit as people without an intimacy that is not really intimacy—just sex. They can actually go on fun dates, play together, talk about their passions and hopes, share stories of growing up, turn one another on with their shared sense of humor or intellectual connection. Then sex will happen “organically,” with an openness, greater honesty, and a sense that they really do know each other in some ways and so far have liked what they see and want to see more.

Old-fashioned, maybe. But if your goal is a relationship, it’s a better path to follow.

If you are great relating on Face Time, does this mean it will be so in real time?

A great piece ran in the N.Y. Time’s Modern Love column a couple of months ago on one woman’s experience with falling in love on Face Time and then taking the relationship into a day-to-day, real time relationship. Needless to say, it was challenging.

Maria Shehata, a stand-up comedian now living in London, was a single woman living in Los Angeles when she met and then began a long-distance, face time relationship with a man who lived in London. They had hung out about four times in person, related well, and then began an intense, Face Time relationship, where they talked so long and so easily, she gave up any thoughts of trying to meet someone else.

They carried on this virtual relationship for three months before Nick flew from London to L.A.. It wasn’t easy for him because Maria had several rommates and they shared a bathroom—none of which was something Nick wanted to do. However he liked Maria enough and over he came.

Now this was a “relationship” where they hadn’t even held hands yet—they really knew nothing about how a physical relationship might go, let alone staying together in close, shared quarters. Yet Maria felt closer to him than all the guys she had dated in her years in L.A. so she was hopeful. She did ask her therapist and friends for input—and shared some funny comments and observations. She is after all, a comedian.

Essentially her therapist was unfazed about them not really knowing one another and reminded Maria that her parents had an arranged marriage—not very different from what Nick and Maria were attempting. It had worked out for them, though they had only met briefly before Maria’s dad chose her from a small group of interested women.

Maria speculates that one problem is that there are too many choices today, and that people throw away others without even taking the time to get to know them. Hook-ups with no emotional strings are common, so no one really bonds and gets to know the other person. Over Face Time, Maria felt she did get to know Nick and he her—and that they had formed a meaningful bond.

It turned out that physically they were compatible, but in so many other ways, it was a struggle. He would get upset if she left the kitchen cabinet open, and could not understand why things that stressed him out didn’t bother her at all. They spent money differently and had clashing bio-rhythms. Finally they decided to see a couples therapist who help Nick see that Maria wasn’t going to change and asked Maria where her boundaries were. Good observation and question that were followed by the therapist telling them that if this continued, it just wouldn’t work.

Maria and Nick apparently stuck it out and decided that addressing their differences was worth the effort because what they have basically works for them.

So can a long-distance, virtual, passionate love affair become a real-time, face-to-face one? It depends on the couple, their bond, their differences and similarities and what they are willing to do to make it work.

Just one woman’s story, but a useful one.

Choosing solitude over an abusive relationship

Author Lisa Ko has a great piece this week in the NY Times (Modern Love) titled, Seeking the Comfort of an Old Flame: Solitude. It’s her story of breaking up with an angry and potentially abusive boyfriend when living on the West Coast, and deciding to return to her home state of NY and her happy former state of solitude.

Ms. Ko is an only child, one who apparently grew up with a lot of solitude and who found that aloneness a happy state in which to exist. But when she reached adulthood she decided to try a big change and relocated to San Francisco, moving into a shared house with several peers and finding a relationship. She developed good friendships and her relationship was progressing to the point of making a decision to move in together when the group house was breaking-up due to her roommates all moving into more serious relationships themselves. However she came to the conclusion that she was moving forward with a relationship that wasn’t right—she was afraid of him and had been avoiding breaking-up because of it. When she finally did, he wrote her a scary email and she knew she had made the right decision. What she continued to question was her desire for solitude. Her question to herself was, “Is something wrong with me?” After all she had learned about San Francisco from a much older woman and pen pal she had corresponded with as a child. Her pen pal Marie lived in San Francisco and was a never married woman who her mother had always described as alone and lonely. Would Lisa become her?

Everyone else was moving in with their significant other and/or getting engaged. How could she be looking forward to and even happy with the idea of being alone? But she was. Apparently Ms. Ko saw (and still sees?) solitude as an independently happy and serene state, not a lonely one.

When she told her Mom she was moving back to NY and breaking up with her boyfriend, her Mom encouraged her to apologize to him because he would marry someone else and she would be “alone.” Apparently Ms. Ko had not shared the things her boyfriend had said in his last email, like “I hope you get raped to death.” Now that is a guy who will move to hitting and more when in a committed relationship.

As I read her story, I thought about all the women who ignore that inner warning voice—those who fear being alone more than a potentially abusive partner. I have worked with these women and when the relationship is new, they not only can’t hear my input, they run from it. They conclude I just don’t get it, have misunderstood, and don’t see what a great and loving guy he really is. These are the women I worry about and wonder how I could have kept them coming in and still helped them to see where their relationship was heading and how dangerous it was for them.

Thanks Ms. Ko for sharing your story and maybe reaching even one woman before her life descends into a horror of dependence and abuse she may feel she cannot escape from. You are right you know—solitude can be wonderful

Happy endings may begin with a relationship contract

The NY Times has an interesting Modern Love column running now. It’s titled; To Stay in Love, Sign on the Dotted Line. It was written by Mandy of Mark and Mandy—the couple who 2.5 years ago spent their first date trying a psychological experiment that used 36 questions to help them fall in love. The idea being that falling in love is more about knowing someone than well, butterflies. It’s about finding love through a thinking, conscious process. I like it…

In her new column Mandy talks about their “relationship contract,” which they have used for 2 years now. The idea came when Mandy read something about short-term marriage contracts and they decided to try adapting it to be a non-married relationship contract instead. Mandy was eager to do this as her previous relationship had little “room for me in it,” and she didn’t want to lose herself yet again, as she checked all the relationship boxes that lead to commitment and more.

Mark and Mandy renew their contract once a year, and they can adjust, delete, and add things according to how the past year has worked out for them. Interestingly Mandy has found it a great way to actually talk about things they might have assumed, ignored, or just never gotten to. We all know what can happen when issues go unaddressed like this.

Mandy and Mark both like knowing how the other is really feeling, any issues they may have, and what is working for them or needs some work. For them this doesn’t feel unromantic, it helps them feel closer.

Their contract is 4 pages and single spaced—and covers “just about everything,” from the dog, to chores, to how money is handled, to how space and boundaries are dealt with, and even their sexual relationship. They even have a kind of mission statement that details what they want their relationship to be and what it will do for them as individuals and as a couple.

They acknowledge it isn’t a perfect answer to everything, but this way, both have an active role in making their relationship what they want it to be.

I like the idea so much, I am considering having the couples I work with create their own contracts—which will give them specific issues to discuss and help them give voice to their feelings, needs, and even fears. Thanks Mandy!

If you can’t handle change, your risk of divorce is higher

We all hear the reasons that are commonly cited for divorce—stress brought on by money issues, becoming parents, overwork, and/or a lack of sex. While these are all factors in marital unhappiness, several studies point to a one common thread—change. Let’s face it, everyone changes as they mature and grow older, and this leads to a change in relationships. And apparently, when someone changes and their partner doesn’t, or vice versa, it can contribute heavily to divorce.

The NY Times’s Modern Love column has a piece on this topic running right now. It touches on studies that deal with change and how change is a given in relationships and especially long-term marriage. Yet many people complain about how a partner has changed or say they have grown apart because they changed and their partner didn’t. But really, how could a relationship survive if it was static, and besides, there is no such thing.

Ada Calhoun, the author of this NY Times piece examines the topic through the lens of her own marriage(s), and the changes in her as she matured and changed through her 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s. She was one person in her youth, desiring a certain lifestyle and had a man she kind of shared that with. Yet, the relationship was not working as she came to realize they wanted different things, especially from the relationship itself. So she asked him to move out and on, and a few years later she met the man she plans to grow old with.

During this second marriage, they completely changed lifestyles, but both adapted and found sides to themselves they never knew existed. Together they have faced their differences and celebrated their similarities, complementing and challenging one another—but in a way that leaves them happily content.

Her story tells of how change can be adapted to and embraced, as what anyone thinks they want and need from life is subject to the changes that aging and the stages of life bring to everyone. How people accept the changes in themselves and each other may be the key to keeping happiness alive and keeping people out of divorce court.