Month: April 2018

Why aren’t American couples having more sex?

According to Seth Stephens-Davidowitz,, a PhD economist and Contributing Op-Ed Writer for the New York Times—people are not having nearly as much sex as they claim they are. He bases this on a careful analysis of data, including the General Social Survey’s statistics. These include data collected from by heterosexual males that they participate in 63 sex acts per year and use condoms 23% of the time or a total of 1.6 billion a year. In contrast, heterosexual women say they average 55 sex acts a year using condoms about 16% of the time, which comes to 1.1 billion condoms. Since fewer than 600 million condoms are sold annually, both men and women are inflating their numbers for sexual encounters. It’s also possible they are exaggerating how often they have unprotected sex.

Mr. Stephens-Davidowitz also conducted online searches to examine what people are saying about their sex lives or lack of sex. Among the unmarried but dating, key words like sex starved, lack of sex, no sex, too tired for sex, not interested in sex—get thousands of hits every month. What is interesting is that more women express frustration with the lack of sex and intimacy in their relationships. Among the married, complaining about a lack of sex is more equally shared by husbands and wives.

On Google, not having sex is a chief complaint among both groups and comes up much more frequently than issues like having a partner who doesn’t want to talk or having an unhappy marriage. In other words, people are not having the frequency of sex that they say they are. According to an overall analysis of data, Mr. Stephens-Davidowitz found that on average Americans have sex 30 times per year.

Mr. Stephens-Davidowitz also used Google to try to determine why people don’t have more sex—after all, it’s fun and free (more or less). The reason that stood out should not surprise anyone—stress gets in the way. However, it’s not just the stress of things like careers, family life, money concerns, and issues with health—it involves feelings of insecurity about their bodies, their sexual performance and their ability to satisfy their partners. Both men and women struggle with these and often, their fears are unfounded as their partners would be happy just to have more sex and intimacy with them just as they are. Mr. Stephens-Davidowitz’s conclusion is that if we worried less about having sex, we would have much more of it.

If you want to read his piece on the New York Times, click here

How to turn a single man into a married-to-you man

If you consider yourself a feminist or support what feminism stands for, you may need to brace yourself right now. A new dating guide, Single Man, Married Man, written by eight African-American men, is an in-your-face read about how a woman can win a man and get him to the altar. It’s filled with “old-fashioned” advice on how to cater to and stroke a guy’s ego—because according to the authors, this is a sure way to his heart and eventual commitment.

Single Man, Married Man made its New Year’s debut on Fox and Friends—where the hosts instructed women to “listen up” and recommended the guide’s wisdom for the basis of their New Year’s resolutions. They discussed how loving acts can make a man love a woman more, which leads to his desire for greater commitment. They emphasized that women should perform loving acts and sprinkle him with compliments, without expecting a quid pro quo—instead, it should just be because she cares about him and his happiness.

I agree that they have this half right. Each partner benefits when the other is loving, supportive, freely bestows loving gestures, and positive affirmations. However, happy marriage requires two people participating in both the giving and receiving. Yes, this is good advice—for men and women alike.

So ladies if your goal is to find one good man for marriage and more, don’t discount what these men are saying. Just make sure you find a man who can give as well as he gets. Now that is a marriage made in heaven.

The New York Times best ever love columns

A decade ago, the New York Times began running a modern love column feature in its Sunday Style section. To date there are more than 500—and the Times decided to look back and see which ones were the most popular with readers. The authors whose columns were selected were as different as their stories. They included a wife and mother, a marketing engineer an actress and a college student—ranging in age from 18-80. Yet readers were moved to tears, laughter, and everything in-between.

They wrote about what it takes to have a happy marriage, about couples who have fallen out of love, about how to rekindle love, how to find love in the first place, about how age doesn’t have to hold you back, about the new modern family (whatever that is), about being loved just for who you are—and a few others that are sure to please.

If I’ve provoked your curiosity, you can read this delightful piece that includes all of these columns. It just might help you to shift your perspective a bit as we enter the end of one year and contemplate what we would like to have in the one ahead. Go here to have a wonderful read and enjoy!

The “trailing spouse”

Newly published research in the journal Demography reinforces the belief that women move more often for their spouse’s career than vice versa—but the reasons they cite are new to the debate. What they found is that women enter professions that allow them to be more flexible geographically in order to move or accommodate other needs in their life—especially those of the family. In other words, their careers are more portable, whereas their spouses tend to choose jobs that are tied to a specific location and often have to move in order to get that promotion. It’s interesting to note that even single women tend to move less frequently than single men do—because the careers they choose are more flexible.

None of this means it is easy on the spouse. Her career is impacted and since she has to be the one to make more sacrifices, it puts more strain on their marriage. However, women do choose to do this due most likely to the expectations and norms they were raised with and a woman’s natural tendency to think in terms of the “we” not the “I”. That it continues to occur when women are better educated (more women are earning bachelor’s degrees than men) and more successful in their careers is especially interesting. Maybe it’s not just society influencing it, but something deeper in women themselves. After all, women fought for choice and this is what they are choosing.

What seems doubly unfair is that women who choose more male dominated professions that require moving have a higher divorce rate than women in more flexible careers. So if women move for their spouse, their career can suffer. If they need to move, their marriage could suffer. What is that well-worn line recited over and over again by feminists about “having it all?” if you could fall for that I have this awesome bridge for sale that I would like to show you.

Should this mean women are doomed either way and should give up their career goals and aspirations? No it doesn’t. We just need to remember that there is NO SUCH THING as having it all all at the same time. We will have to give up something to get something, but in the end what we have could bring us great satisfaction. Isn’t that what it is really about for women—finding a balance that allows us to fulfill our deep needs for connection and (often) children, while not giving up on the challenges and triumphs that come with a career we love and have a real talent for?

Want to read the study? You can find it here

For professional success—choose a conscientious spouse

Psychological Science has published an interesting study conducted by researchers at Washington University in St. Louis that links career success with certain spousal traits. Somehow we have always known that who you choose to marry will play a large role in your future life—but now we know it can greatly impact your career success and therefore, financial security and lifestyle choices. Turns out that it is really important to choose wisely.

Their research studied the personality characteristics and careers of 4,500 married people. The test they used measures people on five traits—extraversion, openness, agreeableness, neuroticism, and conscientiousness. They found that only one trait—conscientiousness– had a significant impact on their spouse’s career success. They defined success as level of income, steady promotions and job satisfaction. This study used Australian couples as they provided a significant number for the sample group.

The conclusions the researchers came away with are that a spouse’s behavior tends to rub off on their partner and over time we pick up on one another’s habits and strengths. Secondly, if one’s spouse has it together and handles a great deal at home and outside of work—their partner is freer to focus on their career and to put in the time and energy that leads to promotions and greater success.

What was very interesting is that they found no gender differences between the traits that helped a woman’s or a man’s career. Either one benefited from having a conscientious spouse. So take note both men and women readers out there. It’s great to love their beautiful smile, their positive energy, their smarts, and the interesting quirks that make them uniquely them. But if he or she is a slacker—you may be in for a life of long hours, low pay and thoughts of what might have been.

Many women have a back-up partner in mind

In the movie, The Titanic, the aged version of Rose shared in a poignant moment that “a woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets.” It seems that a newly released survey backs this up. The Daily Mail conducted a survey with 1,000 women—and found that 50% of them have a back-up partner in mind if their marriage doesn’t work out or ends for some other reason.

If you are a woman you might be thinking, yeah I’ve kept tabs on so and so for years, just in case. Or perhaps you note attractive men in your day to day life and environment and think, he’s a possibility. Women have a bit of practice with this as they are the ones who read those steamy romance novels and go to chick flicks. Maybe it’s due to a practical side—always planning for the worst case scenario and not getting caught short.

This is interesting too because following divorce or death of a spouse, it’s actually men who couple up and marry quickly, not women. Maybe because these guys were part of some woman’s back-up plan and when they become available, they get snapped up quickly.

So who are these men that women keep in the wings? Ex-boyfriends, colleagues, ex-husbands (yes, his ex may still have her eye on him) and guys at the gym—and I would imagine church and neighborhood as well. According to the women surveyed, 10% said their back-up was someone who had already declared feelings of love to them in the past, and 20% stated that the guy they had their eye on would drop everything for her if she asked. Pretty confident, but I’m not convinced this is not just their over-active romantic side talking.

So is this a bad thing? Some would say yes, as women might act on these fantasies when they are going through a rough marital patch. Others would say it’s good to be pragmatic and always have a back-up plan for everything important in your life. Does this mean all these women are unhappily married? No, I don’t think so. I think this fantasy is part of their escape from reality. When their relationship is hard, they escape to what might have been or what could be. It’s probably pretty benign unless they really do believe he would drop everything and count on this during a desperate or challenging time in their lives.

What are your chances of ever getting married?

The marriage rate is down, but what is interesting is that there are those groups that are only delaying it and the ones who are deciding against it altogether. The Pew Research center has come out with yet again another revealing study—this one on the decline of marriage in the U.S.

In 1960, almost 90% of mid-twenties to mid-thirties adults had already been married—today it’s 50%. While the trend is broad and cuts across all demographics, there are notable differences when they are viewed more closely. Well-off, well-educated Americans are only delaying marriage—usually into their 30’s, when their rate is close to past generations. They are also still less likely to have kids out of wedlock and less likely to get divorced. It appears money is an important variable here.

For those who are poorly educated and less well-off—many aren’t getting married at all. There is a percentage that is marrying later, but many have kids out of wedlock and their divorce rate overall is higher than their more affluent counterparts.

The following statistic reminds me of one that came out years ago that said a woman who had reached 40 and was still single, had a greater chance of being killed by a terrorist than of getting married. In other words, this one could be very difficult for young women to hear. Pew estimates that one quarter of people today who are between 25 and 34 will never marry, or at least not before the age of 55- well past child-bearing and the younger, building years of their lives. This statistic can be and is challenged by some, as it is not a hard one but is deduced from other data and is only a projection of sorts. Take a deep breath young ladies out there.

It is certain that folks are marrying later, but the majority eventually do—at present 70% by the age of 35. This is down, but it is still the majority. I know, you are worried about being in the other 30%, and that topic is for another blog.

If you are older than 35 and poorly educated, your chances drop even more significantly. So having a college degree makes you better marriage material, according to the statistics. Maybe there is something to the old joke about the “Mrs.” degree. What is interesting about this study overall, is that income is the most important factor in when and if folks marry and go on to have children.

78% of women surveyed said it was “very important” for a prospective spouse to have a steady job. This was their highest ranked requirement. Their feelings about this are reflected in the number of men with a steady job and those without—those with, have a higher marriage rate.

Bottom line—if marriage and family are your goal, work on getting a good education and becoming financially stable. Money matters in dating, marriage, the decision to have kids and the divorce rate.

Want to read the study?

Seeking marriage? Try shorter men

Science has been backing up the worst kept secret about women for some time—they go for the tall guys. Two sociologists, one from the University of North Texas and the other from Rice University found that 48.9 percent of women have a height requirement for their online profiles—he needs to be taller. They collected data from Yahoo dating personals and used open-ended questions in an online survey they conducted. The reasons women offered for their height preferences were connected to societal expectations and gender stereotypes. 29 percent of the women also talked about feeling awkward about being out with a shorter guy. Interestingly, the men came in at 13.5 percent who wouldn’t date a taller woman. Among college students who were also surveyed as a separate group–55 percent of women required taller men and 37 percent of men said the women needed to be shorter.

Now a new study that has yet to be peer reviewed is suggesting that shorter guys might make better partners. According to this new research—they do more housework, earn more than their taller peers—and are less likely to get divorced. Take that, tall guys. Two sociologists from NYU used data from a University of Michigan project that’s been collecting data on 5,000 families for almost 50 years—and used it to see how a man’s height impacts his relationship once he is past the dating/courtship stage. It’s hard to argue with such a rich trove of data and what it shows.

They also found that short men are less likely to get married—their marriage rate is 18 percent lower than taller guys. Their sample included men from the ages of 23-45—so who knows if it goes up later, when women are more savvy about who they choose and why. Apparently short men are seen as less masculine and this impacts their marriage rate. This might explain the “Napoleon” syndrome. Perhaps because finding partners is harder for these guys—they are more likely to marry older and less educated women. One theory the authors came up with is that older women may help them feel more mature, worldly and masculine. Yikes.

My take away from this is that SMART women who seek a good partner who will make both a good husband and Dad should look twice at shorter men. What’s wrong with wearing flats—easier on the back? Of course, I have a bias here—I am married to a man who is shorter than my type was when I met him, taller than me by only a small inch or two. He is successful, masculine and aggressive, and his height has never been an issue-ever. I’m certainly glad I was able to see who he was in the package he came in back then. Or otherwise—I would have missed out on a great life/family.

50 Shades fever

Here we go again. First it was the book that came out of nowhere and became the “mommy-porn” of the decade. Women of all shapes, sizes, ages, and backgrounds were talking about it. Men were giving it to the women in their lives in hopes it would spice things up in the bedroom. Finally, everyone could talk openly about their sexual fantasies without being negatively labelled. While all that may be a positive break-through for couples and especially women-the hype misses the real point of the books- power and control. Now it’s all about to get acted out on the big screen and women are all in a flutter in anticipation.

Ever since the feminist movement “liberated” women (that is another whole topic for a separate discussion)—they have gained a more equal footing with men in the boardroom, kitchen and bedroom. No one disputes that this has many upsides—however, the downsides are the most poorly-kept (and rarely discussed) secret between women. Now that women have many of the same opportunities and rights as their male peers—they also have a great deal more stress, have to shoulder many more responsibilities in their two full-time jobs—and are often taking the lead not only in running the household and even earning more money, but in the bedroom as well. Just thinking about it is enough to drive women to Chic Flicks, Harlequin Romances and Fifty Shades of Grey. Take note, you guys out there—this is what really turns women on.

As I write this, I find myself humming the song, “Holding Out For a hero.” In a perverse way, Christian Grey is that hero. He’s strong and successful, wields great power and influence in his company and in his relationships. There is a mystery and danger about him that add to his manly image- and all of this is what drives women crazy.

Test this out for yourself by imagining a really nice guy who is very rich, handsome and enjoys sex. He plays by the rules, is predictable, polite and always lets the woman know she is his equal. What is he lacking that Christian Grey possesses? It’s obvious, don’t you think.

Even though it would feel like heresy to admit it- many women fantasize about men who have those Christian qualities. They are take charge, go after what they want kind of guys. Women feel “like women” in the presence of such a guy- and this is not only sexy—it is never, ever boring.

The story of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele is about so much more than sex– think about it, the first book doesn’t have a single sex scene until late in the story. Even then, though it is steamy it is more about intimacy than just sex, and it doesn’t involve S&M because Ana hasn’t yet agreed to the contract. Christian also breaks his own rules of absolute control and dominance–as he crosses his own lines of no intimate relationship.

Yes, the book is filled with Christian’s intensity, power, strength, and hint of danger–and Anastasia’s inability to resist him, hard as she tries to. She wants a real relationship, and Christian has so many qualities she considers ideal. There is however the little problem of his unavailability and “alternative” sexual practices—which she eventually chooses to accept in order to be with him. That is until she just can’t. It’s enough to make a grown woman swoon–and it’s doing that to millions of women around the world.

Happiness Myths

There was an interesting op-ed in the Sunday New York Times discussing happiness. Now there’s a topic that everyone can relate to and would like to hear more about. What do you know about what happiness is and what makes one happy? You may be very surprised by what the research says.

There is a test that measure both happiness and unhappiness called the Positive Affectivity and negative Affectivity Schedule test. Not only does it measure both- it demonstrates that a person can be happy, yet unhappy at the same time. This may clear up the confusion for a number of people who have experienced this, but didn’t trust that their self-observations were accurate. Knowing this could also help folks to use their happiness to decrease their unhappiness.

Depending on the individual, there can be a number of stated reasons for unhappiness, but they vary quite a bit and aren’t always significant like living in poverty, having a chronic health issue, or experiencing a significant loss. Actually the number one typical day reason cited for unhappiness is spending time with one’s boss. Take note all you managers. Yes the above cited reasons lead to unhappiness as does loneliness, which is more common in our present culture and especially among those who live alone and/or in large cities.

A surprising finding from a study out of the University of Rochester in 2009 is that graduates who had set “intrinsic’ goals, such as finding a lasting relationship were much happier than those whose goals had to do with making a lot of money or achieving fame. Apparently being rich and/or famous does not make one happier, even if having financial security does contribute to greater happiness for the average person. Yet many people continue to pursue their career goals above all else and put their focus on gaining fame and fortune. How ironic that it can leave them feeling alone, depressed and empty. Think about all the celebrities and politicians embroiled in scandals, in legal trouble due to bad behavior, addicted to substances- and even suicidal.

Of course, there’s always the rest of us. All us normal people who go on reality shows hoping to get noticed, who buy lottery tickets hoping to win the prize that will change our lives for the better and all the folks who put their relationship goals and relationships on hold until they have achieved the right amount of fortune and success.

So what’s the real secret of happiness? Most likely a mixture of security and stability, happy love, close and caring friends, work we love- and the ability to put people and relationships above things and success.

Certainly gives us all something to think about.