Consum-mate Relationship News and All That Blog – Page 5

Are your friends and loved ones spying on you?

A survey of 1,308 adult Facebook users conducted by the University of British Columbia found that 24 % had accessed the accounts of friends, partners, and family members without their knowledge or consent—and often using the other person’s computer or cellphone to do so. Wow, take your device everywhere—even into the bathroom with you….One quarter of a sample is statistically significant, in other words, widespread.

It’s not hard to get into someone’s account if their device is on and they are logged in to Facebook. While some of this is curiosity, it is not hard to see how someone who is jealous, possessive, or even a budding stalker could use any information to justify and/or harass the object of their “obsession.”

Facebook can be damaging to relationships—I have seen this many times in my work with couples. When boundaries are crossed and/or inappropriate thoughts/feelings are posted—things can spin out of control quickly. Facebook has led to cheating when those who are bored or unhappy in their relationships decide to “look up” old lovers. Then there are the online connections and flirtations that can lead to offline hook-ups. There are also the perfectly innocent friendships between members of the opposite sex that are misinterpreted as something else by jealous or possessive partners. In the wrong hands, Facebook can be a weapon of destruction.

Because these are often “inside jobs,” passwords and security are beside the point. Of course, keeping your password completely secret from everyone and logging out of Facebook every time you finish using it, would help prevent this from happening to you.

Of course, the bigger issue is trust. If we can’t trust 25% of the people we are in a close relationship with, what does that say in general about our relationships? If you are one of the snoopers, consider stopping now. If you suspect you are being snooped on, it’s time to have that talk about privacy, boundaries, and trust. If someone you are intimately involved with wants to know something—they should bring it to you directly. If they can’t, this is a RED FLAG.

Broken heart syndrome isn’t the same for all those who are grieving

Yes, there is such a thing—and yet I hesitate as I write this for fear of how it could influence those going through a break-up or other loss. As a psychotherapist and relationship coach who has worked with many singles and couples going through a break-up or divorce, I have found it challenging to help many of these grieving individuals to maintain their faith that things do get better with time, support, and effort on their part.

The naked truth is that we can get our hearts broken. The other part of that truth is that we can recover and move on, depending on a number of variables.

Last week the headline news included a lot of press about Debbie Reynolds and her daughter, Carrie Fisher. Following the sudden loss of her daughter, Ms. Reynolds died of a stroke, brought about most certainly by her shock and grief and her belief that her life was or should be over now that her daughter’s was. This is actually something that is fairly common among the elderly—when one long married spouse dies, the other follows shortly. It’s also common for an elderly parent to die not long after the loss of a child, especially an only child. The reason this happens in the elderly is actually quite simple—they have lived most of their life already and are looking back not ahead. Their lives have narrowed to close family, maybe a few friends—after having said good-bye to their youth, careers, many friends and family already. They are in their twilight and the only lights still burning come from these intimate others. When one is lost suddenly or even expectedly from death—the person feels as though a part of them has died, and they can’t imagine the future without them. Indeed, their short future would never be the same.

However, this same loss for someone who is much younger is very different, or should be. Yes, losing a child is the most devastating thing that can happen to a person, followed by the loss of a long term partner or spouse. The grief is the most raw and painful because this person is a central part of their lives and seen as someone who will be a part of their future for years to come. When the loss happens, they feel as though they have lost a part of themselves, yet, they still have (potentially) many years in front of them that they must live, find meaning in, and will seek a new normal for.

Therefore when someone comes in for help with grieving over a lost relationship, married or unmarried—though their grief is very real and painful, it is not the same as for a much older person losing a long-term partner. The stages of grief will be their guide, with acceptance and moving on being the last stage before they find acceptance and happiness in their new normal. It will take time, lots of support, help dealing with their anger and resistance to contemplate a new (and hopefully much better) life—which many people find, by the way.

There is life after the loss of a relationship. It will be different, and getting there will not be easy at first. However, with time and persistence—the future could be so much better than the past with that ex-partner, and you could be feeling so much gratitude over having been forced to say good-bye to that old life in order to discover the new one that has brought you much greater happiness.

Mansplaining, feminism, and the war of the sexes

“What war” you may be asking yourself. And Mansplaining, what is that? If you haven’t heard, it’s a term used to describe when a guy talks down to a woman, especially when she is a colleague or other business associate.

A condescending attitude is not a new thing—many of us have felt talked down to by someone at some point in our lives. Adults do it to kids, especially teens, bosses do it to people they supervise, neighbors do it to neighbors, and friends to friends—in other words, it’s fairly universal, and no one wants to be on the receiving end of it.

But now it’s being labelled as a behavior that is more exclusive to men who talk down to women; which according to the recent uproar following the roll-out of an anti-mansplaining campaign by a trade union is an issue for a lot of women. However some have been asking if it’s fair to men. After all, many people of both sexes have been guilty of it.

One has to wonder if this is more about the feelings women have towards males that often get preferential treatment in the workplace because they are men. The system leans towards guys who were once the large majority of workers, and who are still seen as the ones in power. But is this actually true?

Many women are earning college and advanced degrees, their numbers are growing in all the professions. More and more we see women who are the bread winners for their families or who earn the larger paycheck. Women are holding elected offices, and are seated at the head of the table in boardroom of top companies. Women have made a lot of progress and we came very close to having the first women elected to the highest office in our land. Impressive, so why the outcry when mansplaining became a talked about topic recently?

What about these two possibilities? What if men are feeling defensive due to the success and achievements of so many of their female counterparts? A condescending attitude can be a sign of defensiveness rather than a signal that the guy really sees her as less.

It’s also possible that women hold on to feelings of inferiority towards men. Perhaps their recent successes as a group haven’t caught up to them, especially if they still feel a need or make the decision to take a back seat to the men they are romantically involved with. Maybe their accusations are just a reflection of their own defensiveness and insecurity, and if so—the best way to deal with this would be just like a guy would who is being talked down to. They should assertively confront the person, putting their concerns right out there and letting the guy know this is how he is coming across.

Why is it that women talk to EVERYONE else when they are unhappy with someone? If you want to level the playing field with men, be direct, and be assertive ladies. There’s no place at the top for timidity or passive-aggressive behavior.

Words from the Dalai Lama that could benefit intimate relationships

The NY Times has an interesting piece running today by The Dalai Lama and Arthur C. brooks. It explores what is behind our anxiety—the fear of “being unneeded.” According to the authors, for all the progress the world has made on human rights, poverty, sexism, and hunger—there is still much anger, discontent, and a feeling of hopelessness, especially in the worlds’ wealthiest nations.

This article attempts to answer why this is so. It references research about what makes people thrive, and what comes up over and over again is that people need to be needed. Selfish people are unhappy, those who serve their fellow men in a variety of ways, great and small, are found to be happier. They quote 13th century sages who taught that “If one lights a fire for others, it will also brighten one’s own way.”

All the great religions in the world teach this, and it is a tenant they all share. Studies prove that selflessness and joy are intertwined, yet too many people are focused solely on their own needs and wants or on survival, heads down and only seeing a few steps ahead.

The authors theorize that pain and indignation are rising in wealthy countries due to the belief of their citizens that they are no longer useful, needed, or at one with their fellow citizens. This then dampens the human spirit and leads to negativity and feelings of isolation.

The piece suggests that what people can do about this is ask themselves what they can do each day to appreciate the gifts and contributions of others. In other words, we need to become compassionate societies.

Upon reading this, my thoughts went to how this appreciation could be applied to improve committed relationships, marriage, and families. Too often, couples find themselves falling into emotional and physical distance, due to a focus on their own needs, wants, and bean-counting behavior. By this I mean, grudgingly giving with the expectation that they should be rewarded a certain way, and if not, resentment and unhealthy competition often set in. Too often, appreciation is not expressed, only frustration and annoyance when the individual feels slighted, minimized, or their feelings are overlooked by their partner.

Therefore I would suggest that everyone reading this make a commitment to show even some small appreciation every day for what your partner brings to your life and relationship. Nothing is too small to notice or mention. This validation will lead to feelings of goodwill that will help to provide insurance against all the rocky days and periods that all relationships go through. And if the research and the conclusions of these authors is correct, it will help you to achieve greater happiness in your relationship.

Is Facebook good for you, bad for you, or both?

A new study has come out that examined how the use of Facebook impacts our health—that’s right, our physical health. Not surprising, the results show a complicated result—its use correlates to users living longer—but this is when it serves the purpose of enhancing and maintaining social ties. That part makes sense and is consistent with a lot of previous research on the importance of social connections to good health and longevity.

UC San Diego, collaborating with colleagues at Facebook and Yale conducted the research that studied 12 million Facebook users born between 1945 and 1989 for over six months and found an association (not causation) between using Facebook and living longer. It can be found in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

However, how folks use Facebook makes a difference. It is only beneficial when the use is moderate and users also have offline interactions and connections. When a user spends a great deal of time online and has few if any offline relationships—Facebook use is found to be negative. Fortunately the number of people who are only connected online is a very small percentage of users overall.

In any given year, users are 12 percent less likely to die than non-users. Researchers did stipulate that socioeconomics could play a role here and further research could help pinpoint if it does. Those with large social networks live the longest, and this is consistent with other longevity studies that show those with largest social networks are happier and healthier. Extroverts have an edge overall, to be sure. This was also shown in the higher longevity of those who accepted the most friendship requests—they do better than those who turn down more people. Which are you?

What is interesting about this study to someone like myself, a relationship coach—is that I am very acquainted with the negative ways Facebook can harm relationships. I’d like to see a study on that one.

Want to read the study in detail? Go to

How the 2016 election is impacting relationships

While we can’t be sure of what the results will be on November 8th—we can be sure that this race has had, and will continue to have, a negative impact on many relationships. Husbands and wives, extended family members, parents and their grown children, dating singles, co-workers, friends, and neighbor relationships have all felt the sting of this election on their interactions with one another. It seems that it’s not possible for most people to feel only a little like or dislike for either Presidential candidate—they either love them or hate them. Then there are the many who hate both and want someone altogether to be our next leader of the free world. And many of these lovers and haters are in close relationships with each other but on different sides of this issue.

The stories and anecdotes are everywhere. There have been fistfights at family events, couples have stopped speaking to one another, and those who are single and dating have found another challenge to add to the usual one of finding someone they are compatible with. It seems like a great challenge for many people to just let it go when someone praises this person they don’t support. It’s as though folks feel that if someone can support THAT person, there is something really wrong with them and/or their thinking—and they wonder about the person’s values and true feelings. GEEEZZZ

All of this is a reflection of the great divide between people that has plagued this country for several years—we have devolved into an “us and them society.” Somehow we have lost the ability to hear one another out, and respect one another, while acknowledging that we have different perspectives and ideas about what the best choice in a leader would be. People appear to be making very clear judgements about one another, and deciding that there can be no middle ground. This election is being taken very personally by many people.

All of this is much like what happens when a marriage goes bad. Couples began making accusations, stop listening, are disrespectful towards one another—and wonder what they ever thought they saw in this person. They question each others’ values and motives and all common ground dissolves. If it goes on too long, they often reach a point of no return.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We can respectfully agree to disagree, discuss our choices in calm, respectful tones, not interrupt, ban all shouting and name calling—and even make some small attempt to see the world through the other person’s eyes. Imagine a world where we all tried to treat those around us like we would want to be treated. It will never be a perfect world—but that would get us as close as we could ever be.

It’s also what happy marriages are grounded in.

Is the secret to happy marriage being nice to one another?

Though many of you may have already known this through intuition and common sense, newly released research is proving it to be correct. Couples who are nice to one another are happier. But how they define nice is important—as for many of us, this may be subjective.

Researchers at the IDC, Bar-Ilan University, the University of Rochester, and Cornell Tech in New York have published a study in the Journal of Personality and Social psychology that essentially defines nice as being responsive to your partner’s needs outside of the bedroom. This sounds rather familiar doesn’t it? Women have been trying to tell guys this for years, drawing a connection between what happens outside of the bedroom and inside of it.

Three separate studies were conducted with over 100 couples participating. In the first study that consisted of back and forth structured interactions, they evaluated how well each participant understood what their partner was communicating, how well they validated their feelings, and how they expressed warmth and affection towards them. The researchers were attempting to pinpoint what keeps happiness alive for couples after the initial highs of physical chemistry fade.

The second study used videotapes of the couples in an interaction in which one partner told either a positive or negative personal story and the other responded to it. Afterwards they were asked to express their feelings using some form of physical intimacy, and researchers coded these responses. And evaluated them for level of desire.

The couples in the third study kept daily diaries for six weeks that reported on the quality of their relationship, how responsive each felt their partner was to them, and their level of desire towards their partner.

The overall results showed a clear connection between sexual desire and perception of a partner’s responsiveness. In a nutshell, a responsive, tuned in partner is a turn-on. Women partners were especially sensitive to this.

Some ways to be nicer? Listen, really listen, and do it without judgement, pay attention to the little things that impact your partner, show support when it is needed/asked for—and take the time to tune in, really tune in. Spicing up your sex life won’t hurt either.

Are you an older dater looking for more? There’s an app for that

Dating apps are no longer just for the younger crowd. Apparently the creators of these apps have decided to tap into the many 35+ year old daters out there who are more established in their careers, motivated to find people for dating and more—and have the money and willingness to pay for the right services.

A number of these apps did not allow or actively discouraged “older” daters to join when they launched a few years back. However now that they have becomes well-established and have many users, they are tapping into this more lucrative group. Some started a waiting list of daters in this demographic and when the pool had grown large enough to increase their chances of satisfaction—they were allowed to purchase memberships, which they are happily doing. Membership fees are where dating site owners get most of their revenue, so the addition of these older single is just good business.

These memberships come with added features, like being able to seek matches when travelling and therefore outside of the standard “100” miles allowed on most apps. Over time, new features have been added that young daters usually resist, but older daters are happy to belly up to the bard for.

It’s working well and many apps are reporting a strong share of paid members using additional features—and a much stronger bottom line for the company because of it.

If you are an older dater and want more than the basic free service, and are willing to pay for it—these apps have a lot to offer. The number of users are strong and they are a willing group, often doing more than “just looking.” Want someone to cuddle with in the long, dark season ahead? Sign up for an app and consider which services would enhance your experiences and increase your odds. Then go for it.

Oxytocin—the spiritual hormone

New research from Duke University that appears online in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience has found that oxytocin may be more than just the “love hormone.” Men who participated in the study reported a greater sense of spirituality after taking oxytocin, and more positive emotions while practicing meditation. Both spirituality and meditation have long been linked to emotional and physical well-being—therefore the study’s authors were interested in learning more about biological factors that could enhance spirituality and a sense of well-being.

Oxytocin has long been known for its role in supporting social awareness, bonding and altruism. Now we know it also increases a sense of spirituality—which helps to frame our world view, what we believe, and how we relate to others. So could goodness actually be traced back to a chemical that some people have more of and are therefore more giving, caring, and connected to their fellow men?

Oxytocin affects men and women differently, so the study included just men. The researchers stated that the chemical’s impact on women’s spirituality needs to be studied as well—which will yield even more useful information about its effects.

Of note is that oxytocin did not produce the same results for all participants. Its effect on spirituality was stronger for participants with a specific variant of the CD38 gene—a gene that regulates the release of oxytocin from neurons in the brain.

Does all this mean that someone is destined to be a disconnected non-believer because they have a low flow of oxytocin in their brain? Probably not. However it may point to why someone is an extrovert rather than an introvert, or why some folks find connecting with others to be so easy while others struggle with shyness and social awkwardness. Regardless of our basic biology, we can all work on improving our emotional intelligence, practice meditation skills, and become better communicators with those around us. Yes, it does seem so easy for some, but this doesn’t mean it’s not possible for those who have to put in some effort to make it happen.

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