A monument to love lost

The Museum of Broken Relationships (yes, there is such a thing) was the brainchild of an artist (ex) couple who wondered what people actually do with all things that are reminders and remnants of their lost relationship. In 2006 they took this from idea to their first exhibit—and it took off, touring internationally before they established the first permanent museum in Zagreb, Croatia in 2010. In 2016 The Museum of Broken relationships was brought to LA by John B Quinn—and it’s popularity, especially among couples, is very strong.

The museum accepts donations of relationship relics along with their stories from anonymous donors. It is these donations and the stories of the lost loves behind them that make up the displays. Therefore they are always accepting and looking for the next great story. Just imagine how many people have held onto old keepsakes and reminders of that very special love that they have not gotten over. Certainly first loves must be overrepresented as they are the ones that stay with us forever.

Since the experience of finding then losing that special relationship is a universal one, it’s easy to understand why this museum gets so much buzz. We can all relate to the stores it tells and the people behind them. They are us and we are them. No one is alone in this experience.

If you continue to be haunted by an old love, to struggle due to a lack of closure—you might be able to find it in telling your story to the world. It would be anonymous of course, but you could share it with so many, which can be a great catharsis for the love lorn. Perhaps a visit to the museum could help as well. For there you would find your story, being told over and over, often by people who moved on, healed, and thrived in new relationships. If you are dating, this seems to be a popular date venue—couples come in smiling and walking near one another, and leave holding one another, often filled with a lot of emotion. If you are unsure of your significant other’s feeling, take them here and observe their body language. You could gain a lot of information about their feelings regarding you and the relationship.

What your fantasies say about your relationship

Research has found that almost everyone has sexual fantasies, approximately 95 to 98% of people actually. This finding is that that surprising—at least to the 95% or so of us who have them. What may come as a surprise is that new research has found that relationships are improved and enhanced by fantasy—as long as the partners are fantasizing about each other instead of, well you know.

Another thing we didn’t need research to reveal is that men’s fantasies are more sexually graphic, while women fantasize more about romance fueled by emotions. But this latest research teases out more interesting detail that points to fantasizes being tied to certain personality types as well as what people want from their relationships. Now all we need is a first date quiz that would help the individual’s learn more about one another’s sexual fantasies in order to know if they are compatible in their relationships goals. Not very romantic and maybe would need to be shelved till the second or third date. However it sure could save a lot of time and wasted effort.

Not surprising is that the kind of fantasies that people have are determined by a number of factors besides gender. These include age, past sexual experiences, the length of a relationship and degree of happiness in it, personality and even emotional style (cuddly, warm, distant, and detached). For instance if someone is attachment avoidant, they fantasize about casual, unemotional sex. If they are insecure and fear losing love, they fantasize about pleasing their partner. Secure people fantasize about loving and romantic sex with a strong emotional element. When you think about it, it’s pretty logical.

Maybe when people talk about desperation, clinginess, and neediness as turn-offs—what they are really pointing to is that this person is insecure and has low-self-esteem. Confidence and strong self-esteem are turn-ons for most of us.

The important take away from the resent research is that fantasizing about YOUR partner will help your relationship. Yes, everyone, especially men fantasize about others from time to time—but focusing on one’s partner can actually improve how you relate to one another. On study found that people who fantasize about their partner one day were more likely to feel more committed and trusting towards them the next day. Another study showed that when a partner fantasized about their partner, they were more likely to be kinder and more positive to them the next day.

For anyone in a relationship—try making your partner the sole object of your fantasies. Your relationship will thank you for it.

Millennials rejecting the sexual revolution

The Washington Post has run a couple of pieces on the differences in sexual behavior between millennials and the generations just before them. It’s a very interesting topic because it delves into something that many have false assumptions about—the sexual behavior of this younger group.

Contrary to current myths (and urban legend) younger folks are not more sexually promiscuous than their parents were—in fact, they are waiting longer before having their first sexual experience. The Boomers began the sexual revolution and that generation is known for its indulgence in sex, drugs and rock and roll. It was also a generation that greatly impacted the divorce rate—as Boomers were raised to believe that divorce was no big deal and that if you weren’t happy, you should get out. Women were making great strides in pursuing higher education and moving into careers that had previously been open mostly to men. So the attitude was that they could now do anything that men could and didn’t need to remain dependent and submissive—and this included in their sex lives. Younger women benefitted from these new freedoms—but clearly there were downsides. Perhaps this new sexual trend is a reflection of one or more of those.

The Journal Archives of Sexual behavior published a study recently that found that those born in the 1990’s are more than twice as likely to be sexually inactive in their 20’s than their parent’s generation was. Millennials as a group have fewer sexual partners than Generation Xers and Boomers did and do.

Interestingly some experts are saying this could be a BAD sign that suggests these folks can’t handle real intimacy and instead engage more virtually with people—which can risk their ability to be close and handle intimacy as they grow older. I say nonsense. My theory is that they have had “permission” to experiment, and be open sexually—and have found out it’s not all it is cracked up to be. They have seen the downsides in the older generation and have decided that how they handled it didn’t work out so well. After all is a high divorce rate, multiple partners, and seeking love over 50 all that great?

Besides, for those who have experienced hooking up—they have found out that is not really all that great either. It often leaves them feeling empty and wishing for more real romance, mystery, and FEELINGS in their relationships. I hear this from my male and female millennial clients.

Now that they know they can, they are choosing more and more not to. Who knows, we may return to a slower, more traditional way of dating. For those who fought for the sexual revolution, ask yourself if it was all you thought it would be and if your life has turned out well (at least in part) to what was available to you back then. It’s likely many of you would say the freedoms were great but you wish you could go back and take things a little slower.

Planning to pop the question? What you should know first

Researchers at the University of Texas at Austin conducted a study where the ideal VS actual marriage proposals for approximately 400 newly engaged and newly married individuals were examined. The objective was to see how close actual proposals come to the ideal that people often hold about what the experience of a marriage proposal should be like. Not surprisingly, these two did not match up for many people.

Some of what they found was:

75% of people were satisfied with how public VS private their proposal actually was—so 25% wanted it more one way than the other. Most often it was that they had preferred a more private affair to the one they got.

Overall, their actual proposal was significantly less romantic than their ideal one. Somehow it just didn’t contain the romance they thought or expected it would.

The most popular time for proposals is the evening and most of those surveyed were happy with the time their partner proposed. However most would have wanted to change the location or who was present (this is probably where the romance got lost for them).

The top 6 ideal proposal locations were–by water, home, at a restaurant, on a walk, or at an international destination (like France) were tied at 4th/5th, and 6th was at a park or garden. These were then compared to the top 6 actual proposal locations, which were—home, by the water, at a restaurant, in a park or garden, and while on a walk/hike. Therefore these were not too far from the actual ideal places that folks had in mind.

43% of parents knew about the proposal in advance, 15 % of siblings knew, and 19% of friends did. Interestingly, 37.5 asked for parental approval ahead of time—seems almost like an outdated notion, right? Maybe not.

If you are anticipating a proposal soon, you may want to help your partner out by telling a family member and friend what your ideal proposal would be, as they will share this if consulted. It’s also OK to drop a hint or two directly to your significant other. If you are the one planning to pop the question, get input from others close to them—you just might be able to plan an almost ideal proposal for your intended.

Houses haunted by past loves

The NY Times has a fun piece today titled; The House That Love Built before it was Gone. It features three unique and notable homes built by people long ago for someone they had fallen passionately in love with. Frank Lloyd Wright, Eileen Gray, and Monica Vitti, were either those who designed and built them or the objects of the passion that inspired them. For each, their love affairs all ended in these homes, just 3 years after each had begun.

These were people with money and opportunity, those who could follow their passion to wherever it led. One couple fell in lust with other people while married—and followed their hearts to a new home he built for (and inspired by) her. But she died in a fire there that was deliberately set and killed several others, including her children. For another, the passion died a natural death, they split, and the house had a new mistress in it. The third couple was an older woman and younger man, she having built the home with exquisite details of their union designed into the stone. When they split following much absence by him, she left him the house and moved to another, apparently hoping for a new love. The house would later be the setting for murder and tragedy—a dark place is how it is often described.

If houses really do reflect the people who live in them—do they also contain the energy that was once there? If so, this is what people must mean when they talk about the personality of a home—that which is shaped by those who built it, lived in it, loved and even died in it.

Do you ever dream about past places you have called home? Are you tempted to drive by and see if any evidence of you and those you loved has remained? Do you wonder about the people who lived in your house before you—what their life, work and passions were all about? Do you wonder if any trace of you might be found years from now through some small memory or object you left behind?

Houses are so much more than buildings—and this is demonstrated every time we walk into an old home and feel the ghosts and hear the stories of those who came before. This is not haunting—it’s just a home holding onto something of those who once lived and loved there.

To go the article, click here

Do you have a problematic relationship history? Blame your genes

It’s likely you have some familiarity with the term Emotional intelligence. You may even know about what it is, how to spot it in others—and how to improve yours for better relating. A new study is now pointing to our genes and how they might play a role in our EQ. Yes, this is interesting, but I fear it could lead folks to think they were born a certain way, and that is that. Not true, you can improve your EQ—however charisma and social dexterity do come easier to some than to others. Here’s what the study found.

Psychologists at the University of Georgia found that when a SPECIFIC gene was silenced, it seemed to have an effect on the person’s ability to form healthy relationships. They also noted that this gene aids in a person’s ability to recognize the emotional states of others—which by the way is an essential component of high EQ. They blame a process called methylation, which impacts how a gene expresses itself, and in this case, it’s the OXT gene that is implicated. That is because it is this gene that produces oxytocin, which is a hormone that influences a wide range of social behavior in all mammals.

When methylation is increased it suppresses the OXT gene, which then lowers its activity and ability to do its job. This study shows it has a marked impact on social functioning. Participants were put through tests that evaluated their social skills and their brain structure and function. What researchers found is that those who had higher amounts of methylation of the OXT gene had lower levels of expression—and this resulted in a marked difficulty recognizing emotions in the expressions of others as well as an increase in anxiety about their relationships in general. MRI’s found that those with increased methylation of the OXT gene had reduced neural activity in areas of the brain associated with social-cognitive processing.

If you want to know more, this study was published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences or on

Happy couples don’t notice the attractiveness of others

Scientists from Rutgers University and New York University recently concluded a set of experiments in which they found evidence that couples downgrade the attractiveness of individuals that they perceive as a threat to their relationships. The results were published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

Therefore if you find yourself minimizing the looks of someone you think you would have dated/been with if you were not with your partner—you may be unconsciously trying to boost your self-control so that you aren’t tempted to step over the line with them. This would be especially true if your present relationship is a happy one that meets many of your needs.

What is unique about this research is that they were able to test for unconscious visual bias—in the past it was always the conscious bias of participants that was measured. Participants who were shown pictures of attractive, popular, and single individuals downgraded them while the pictures they viewed of less attractive but coupled people were routinely upgraded to be more attractive than the single individuals. They were even offered $50.00 to get it right, and still the coupled people got higher marks for attractiveness, which demonstrated that this was how they were actually being perceived.

A second study was done in which participants were first asked how happy they were in their relationships. Then they were asked to grade the same pictures for attractiveness. Guess what? The ones who rated their relationships as happy, had similar picks as the first group. Those who were dissatisfied in their relationships gave the higher marks to the individuals in the single, attractive and available group. This clearly showed that if they were happy they did not want to risk temptation and if not—they were allowing themselves to notice others who were attractive.

Interesting stuff. Check it out

The Tinder date

First dates usually conjure up two very opposing feelings and attitudes. Some people enjoy dating, meeting new people, experiencing the thrill of wondering if this person could end up being the person—but for others, dating is a necessary evil in their quest to find love.

And that was the way it used to be, when dating was a lot more simple and straightforward and people actually asked/got asked out, and planned a date which included a get to know one another activity that lasted more than 15 minutes.

Then along came online meeting and dating, which added the challenge of deciding to meet someone based on their profile, a series of emails, and/or phone calls. That first meeting was arranged with a virtual stranger and often resulted in a hit or miss for the two people involved.

Now we have dating apps. Feel in the mood to meet someone new? Sign on to the app, see who is nearby, check out their picture and VERY LIMITED information—and rush off to meet them. On any given night in Singles rich cities everywhere, Tinder couples are arranging quick meets in bars, coffee places and restaurants. It’s not uncommon for someone to walk in, see the other person (in person) and head out the door before they are seen. Then there are the 5 minute “interviews,” where two people sit and talk and after a few minutes, don’t feel the connection. For others, they might linger over a drink or coffee, liking what they are seeing and hearing, but not committing to a meal or another drink.

There are many singles who arrange several of these “dates” in one night. Must be hard to keep everyone’s information and names straight. Of course we do hear about couples who are engaged and married who met on Tinder—with these odds, it can’t be easy to achieve that.

With a dating culture like this one, it’s a wonder that anyone even bothers. It’s enough to leave you longing for a quiet corner at home and a good book, or out searching for meaningful experiences that would bring you into contact with real-life singles who you can get to know the old-fashioned way.

Which spouse desires more sex—the husband or the wife?

The Journal of Personality and Social psychology recently published a study on married sex—how often and how much desire is shown by partners, broken down by sex. It also delves into a husband’s perceptions about his wife‘s desire VS her perceptions about how he is feeling.

What they found is that men in general have a higher sex drive, but in long-term relationships, this is not so. Men have some difficulty judging a woman’s interest in sex, whereas women usually read their guy’s interest correctly. This last one is not that surprising, women are better overall at reading nonverbal communication than men are. Researchers also found that on the days men thought their partners were not interested, these same partners reported more satisfaction from their relationships. This most likely has to do with the men trying harder on those days, rather than being complacent and not believing they have to put any extra effort into their relationship. Mmmm, maybe this kind of scenario is where the whole idea of playing hard to get was conceived.

Their sex by the numbers statistics found that almost 80% of married couples have sex a few times a month or more; 32% report engaging in sex two to three times a week; 47% report having sex a few times a month; and less than 10% say their last sexual encounter lasted an hour or more. I must confess that as a therapist who works mostly with couples, I was surprised that the couples in this study were having as much sex as they said they are.

The study also touches on couples having sex when only one person feels desire—and that this can be good for a marriage and help keep their sexual connection going. I agree with this, not as a regular event, but during those times one is tired, unmotivated, etc—but is willing to make that extra effort for their partner.

If you would like to read more on this, go to

Why are we so often wrong about our forever after?

The NY Times had a very interesting piece running a couple of days ago titled “Why you will marry the wrong person.” Now that’s a title that would get the attention of anyone who is single, and especially anyone who is presently engaged to who they believe is their right person.

The Times piece offers one fairly simple reason for why folks marry the wrong person—they say that we are all crazy in some way, but don’t discuss, explore or really demonstrate our craziness with one another before we say “I do.” Then, after marriage, our real selves come out and suddenly our partner is asking who is this person and why didn’t I know this before? They make the point that the close proximity created by intimacy brings out our problems, and that many of us have an array of them. Wow, that is sobering.

According to the author; “marriage ends up as a hopeful, generous, infinitely kind gamble taken by two people who don’t know yet who they are or who the other might be, binding themselves to a future they cannot conceive of and have carefully avoided investigating.” As a therapist who works with many couples in trouble, I can’t really disagree with this theory. Couples don’t do enough talking and asking beforehand—as though they fear it will be too unromantic or demonstrate a lack of faith in one another. The piece points out that we now have marriages based on feelings, instead of practicality and convenience. This is because most people believe that chemistry is about how we feel and don’t consider the other important pieces needed for marital success–like stability, maturity, and reliability. You are probably thinking, oh, how boring. Believe me, these qualities grow on you.

When we marry we look for someone who is familiar and resonates with our childhood perceptions and experience of love—which may or may not have been functional or healthy. If our role models shaped us to seek out needy, angry, or uncommunicative people to love and make whole—then this is who we would believe our right person to be. If someone seeking a relationship with dysfunctional traits encounters a healthy, stable and mature person—they usually don’t feel any attraction. This then leads them to reject someone who could have been right for them and with whom they could have found happiness.

In my experience there is great truth to what this author lays out as the reason people end up in unhappy marriages. Therefore what you have always heard is true—get yourself straight before making one of the most important decisions and biggest commitments of your life. Otherwise, you may end up marrying the wrong person for all the wrong reasons.