The NY Times ran an interesting piece this past weekend on the Lark-Owl problem that many couples have. This is when one is a morning person and the other gets a second wind late at night and rises later—which leads to an incompatible sleep schedule.
For many couples, different sleep cycles mean they see less or little of one another, which can lead to a breakdown in communication and intimacy. However since sleep plays a major role in mental and physical health, it is hard for individuals to attempt changing their natural patterns and risk exhaustion/brain fog/illness for the sake of the relationship.
Approximately 60% of the population sleeps with someone else, and if their bed partner has a sleeping problem it usually impacts them and their relationship satisfaction. Research has shown that people sleep better when sleeping alone, probably because they have no one there to disturb their sleep or impact their sleep/rise schedule. However, people in general report they are less happy sleeping alone—so learning how to get adequate sleep when sleeping beside a partner who has a different sleep cycle should be a priority for everyone.
Whether you are a Lark or an Owl will depend largely on genetics, and less so on age and gender—that is, primarily what your parents and grandparents were and are. Each of us has a sleep chronotype, which is our internal timing that can vary up to 12 hours from our partner’s chronotype. These are like fingerprints, everyone is different and the possibilities are as numerous as the people with them.
We have a problem when our natural rhythm doesn’t line up with the demands of our personal and work lives. The result is “social jet lag,” which we can all relate to. We can adjust our internal clocks by staying in the light longer or turning lights off earlier. The author uses camping as an example. For anyone who has camping experience you know what it was like to be ready for sleep soon after dark and an early meal. Then when the sun rose, you found yourself awake and ready to get up and start the day. But for most people who work inside, often in front of a computer screen, sleep problems are common.
Recent research suggests that different sleep patterns don’t have to be a deal breaker and can in fact, be beneficial—allowing one partner to handle early times with children or both to have some alone time when the other is catching their zsssss.
Otherwise finding time when both are awake to connect can help keep the relationship strong and healthy. Couples who master this are often better problem solvers in general. What is NOT advised is to try and get your partner to change for you. If you pursue this solution, you will end up with a tired, irritable partner who is lacking in energy, unable to focus or be productive—and who blames you for their problems at work and in the relationship.
