Do you zig when your partner zags?

The NY Times ran an interesting piece this past weekend on the Lark-Owl problem that many couples have. This is when one is a morning person and the other gets a second wind late at night and rises later—which leads to an incompatible sleep schedule.

For many couples, different sleep cycles mean they see less or little of one another, which can lead to a breakdown in communication and intimacy. However since sleep plays a major role in mental and physical health, it is hard for individuals to attempt changing their natural patterns and risk exhaustion/brain fog/illness for the sake of the relationship.

Approximately 60% of the population sleeps with someone else, and if their bed partner has a sleeping problem it usually impacts them and their relationship satisfaction. Research has shown that people sleep better when sleeping alone, probably because they have no one there to disturb their sleep or impact their sleep/rise schedule. However, people in general report they are less happy sleeping alone—so learning how to get adequate sleep when sleeping beside a partner who has a different sleep cycle should be a priority for everyone.

Whether you are a Lark or an Owl will depend largely on genetics, and less so on age and gender—that is, primarily what your parents and grandparents were and are. Each of us has a sleep chronotype, which is our internal timing that can vary up to 12 hours from our partner’s chronotype. These are like fingerprints, everyone is different and the possibilities are as numerous as the people with them.

We have a problem when our natural rhythm doesn’t line up with the demands of our personal and work lives. The result is “social jet lag,” which we can all relate to. We can adjust our internal clocks by staying in the light longer or turning lights off earlier. The author uses camping as an example. For anyone who has camping experience you know what it was like to be ready for sleep soon after dark and an early meal. Then when the sun rose, you found yourself awake and ready to get up and start the day. But for most people who work inside, often in front of a computer screen, sleep problems are common.

Recent research suggests that different sleep patterns don’t have to be a deal breaker and can in fact, be beneficial—allowing one partner to handle early times with children or both to have some alone time when the other is catching their zsssss.

Otherwise finding time when both are awake to connect can help keep the relationship strong and healthy. Couples who master this are often better problem solvers in general. What is NOT advised is to try and get your partner to change for you. If you pursue this solution, you will end up with a tired, irritable partner who is lacking in energy, unable to focus or be productive—and who blames you for their problems at work and in the relationship.

Getting a “sleep divorce” may help your marriage

Once again the topic of married couples sleeping apart is being discussed. This past week on NBC’s Nightly News there was a segment on it—which was probably prompted in part by the latest research on sleep deprivation and its impact on both our physical and emotional health. Getting a good night’s sleep is critical to longevity, good health, fighting disease and good brain health which impacts our thinking and emotions—not to mention our relationships.

Apparently over 25% of couples are now sleeping in separate beds or rooms. This number is reported to have risen in recent years as the rate of sleep disorders has also risen. There is an epidemic of sleep disorders out there—and they can take the shape of difficulty falling asleep, difficulty staying asleep, frequent nighttime wakening, apnea, staying up too late, and/or using electronic devices too close to bedtime or turning them on when awakened during the night. All of these will result in not getting enough hours of sleep—especially those quality hours of deep sleep in which we dream heavily and our brains get to work excreting toxins and doing important repairs.

So why are couples separating at night? Sharing a bed can lead to being awakened by a spouse who snores, gets up frequently to go to the bathroom, is sick, is a light sleeper who tosses and turns, who snores, and/or uses their device in bed, impacting their partner with the light it gives off. Some of these can be addressed through changing behavior, but others are more complicated and may require seeing a Doctor and/or sleep specialist to address the problem.

I recommend to couples struggling with this that they begin with an open discussion, sharing ideas on what they can do to resolve it. Everything from having an agreement that the bedroom will be a no electronic zone, to having separate top sheets and blankets, to changing which side of the bed they sleep on, to changing their mattress to something larger or one that accommodates their different sleep needs. If one has apnea and/or is a heavy snorer, seeing a doctor is a must. There are many new treatments that can help sufferers get a better night’s sleep. The key is that the couple can work together on the problem and both be willing to make adjustments. If they decide it just isn’t workable, sleeping apart may be a necessity for them as going without sleep will lead to increased tension, anger and fighting, and could lead to serious marital discord.

If sleeping in separate beds, they can spend some time together in one before falling asleep. If separate rooms, they can spend time together in one in order to spend intimate time together. If weekends allow them to sleep in, they could do overnights if they desire. The key here is not to assume if you or someone you know is sleeping apart that it is the end of the relationship. Intimacy—both emotional and physical is shared throughout the day and there is plenty of time for couples to have it together. The bed is primarily for sleep—and since it’s a critical part of a healthy life, it’s important to ensure your partner is getting theirs. Sweet dreams.

Sleeping apart could be good for your relationship

When couples marry the last thing they probably ever imagine is that they might end up sleeping in separate bedrooms. Historically, sleeping apart has been seen as a marital red flag. It meant that a couple was no longer intimate or were in such a bad place that they needed to have their own space- to stay married but live as separately as possible.

Now there is evidence that this is not necessarily the case at all. Good Morning America did a segment on couples who have helped their relationships by sleeping in separate bedrooms. They made the decision because their sleeping habits were so misaligned that it was leading to sleeplessness, arguments, and increasing anger and conflict. According to Arianne and Nate Cohen, who were guests on the show- sleeping apart has brought them closer. By having their own rooms they have each found greater privacy and autonomy without the other having to sacrifice in order for that to happen.

Apparently 30 to 40 percent of couples sleep apart at night due to snoring and clashing bedtimes and evening routines. Couples sleeping apart report that the decision to do so helped to save their marriages and allowed each of them to take better care of their own needs without creating greater distance from their partner. They report that their sex lives have improved and the resentment that used to come between them has lessened to the extent that their marriages are better than they ever were. They still get to cuddle, share some pillow time- then separate as each follows the routine that best suits them and leaves them feeling refreshed and renewed in the morning.

If you find you are having difficulty negotiating bedroom time in the evenings with your significant other and/or can’t get a good night’s rest due to their routines or sleeping behavior- try sleeping apart. All you give up is the time you will spend dreaming- peacefully, contentedly and soundly.