April 2018 – Page 4 – Consum-mate Relationship News and All That Blog

Is sleep deprivation hurting your communication?

You might be thinking, well I know that answer. After all common sense tells us that we don’t function the same without sleep. While that is true and simple on the surface, how sleep deprivation specifically impacts communication may surprise and inform you.

To begin with, when we lose sleep it impairs our ability to read happiness and sadness in those around us, yet our ability to interpret emotions like disgust, fear and anger remained intact. If we think a moment about what this could translate to in an interaction, it might be that we would be reacting to anger but not realizing that a partner’s unhappiness is behind it. One without the other leaves us with an incomplete picture on which to base an assumption or conclusion, which definitely causes problems in a relationship.

The research led by a University of Arizona psychologist and published in the journal Neurobiology of Sleep and Circadian Rhythms found these differences in what we can and cannot recognize when we don’t get enough sleep. They concluded that the difference may be in how we are wired to recognize primitive emotions in order to help ensure immediate survival due to the possibility of danger associated with those emotions. However social emotions are not tied to immediate survival—yet are certainly important to the health of our relationships and happiness. Our evolution has not gone that far yet, so we need to rely on other things to ensure better social outcomes.

This subtle awareness is tied to EQ (emotional intelligence), and indeed some people have more of an innate ability, but others can raise theirs with awareness and practice—and apparently, getting enough sleep.

The 54 participants in this study were asked to read faces only—and nonverbal communication involves so much more. Therefore it’s likely that when sleep deprived, our ability to read the overall nonverbal messages of others is significantly impaired. What this boils down to socially is that we could be misreading people and responding inappropriately to them based on our false conclusions about how they are thinking and feeling.

As a couples’ therapist, I see this miscommunication a lot. Maybe I need to focus more on the importance of sleep, especially before sitting down to problem-solve or have a difficult discussion about something. If you find that you are often misinterpreting people at work, in your family, in your social and intimate relationships—pay attention to how much quality sleep you are getting. If it is less than 7 hours a night, consider taking steps to improve that. It may make a big difference in helping you be a better communicator.

Would you recommend your spouse as a great partner?

A piece titled You May Want to Marry My husband was published in the New York Times Modern love column on March 3, 2017. It was written by Amy Krouse Rosenthal, who finished it 10 days before her death on March 13. What is remarkable about this piece is not that she wrote it so close to her death—it is the topic and how she delves into it that will leave every reader touched and a bit haunted.

Amy KR was an author of 28 children’s books, a mother of three, and wife to Jason Rosenthal for 27 years. She was very happily married to a man she fell in love with on their first (blind date.) Though they had already had many years and 3 kids together, they were looking forward to the next 27, but cancer changed all of that.

This remarkable woman was facing her imminent death, yet it was very important to her to write this piece in the hope it would help her spouse find both acceptance of her death and new love eventually. In it Ms. Krouse Rosenthal shares the many wonderful qualities her husband possesses, his physical attractiveness, likability, that he is a sharp dresser, how he has kept himself in good physical shape, his handiness around the house, that he is a great cook, his love of music, his artistic talent, what a great travel companion he is—and most of all, a supportive and loving husband and great Dad. If I weren’t already married to my dream man, I’d be looking up Jason.

Ms. Krouse-Rosenthal wrapped up her last and most important piece on Valentine’s Day. She thought of it as one last gift she could give the man of her dreams. She knew she could not have him anymore—but wanted desperately for him to find new love with someone else. Seriously, is there any greater love than this?

Kleenex anyone?

The importance of male bonding and friendship

Much is made about the importance of friendship to women. Our social contacts and circles are where we draw a lot of support, empathy, understanding, and a sense of connectedness from. But why is it so different for men?

Guys often have more friends when they are younger—friends from school, other single guys from their workplace, and guys that belong to their urban tribe (if they belong to one). However as men enter committed relationships, marry, have families, and move along in years—they often let their old friendships lapse. Given the transient nature of our lives, and the demands of work and family life—this is very understandable. Yet women, even working women, tend to make an extra effort to keep track of friendships and keep at least some connections alive.

By middle age, many men experience a loneliness that only friendships with other men could fill. Billy Baker penned a great piece on this topic for The Boston Globe. In it he talks about how this loneliness men feel impacts their health and happiness. Vivek Murthy (Surgeon General) has spoken many times about isolation and called it the most prevalent health issue in our country today.

But how can a guy be lonely when he has a family and work to occupy him? Apparently, these connections add value and depth to our lives, but they also drain us and make demands that only someone who doesn’t need/rely on us can help feel. In other words, me time with like-minded folks, engaged in play, conversation and bonding—fills a need that nothing else can.

If what I have said so far doesn’t give you pause, digest this. Beginning in the 1980’s, repeated studies have been showing that people who are socially isolated are much more likely to die during a given period than their socially connected peers, even when the studies correct for gender, lifestyle, and age. One study said loneliness is the new smoking. Now that should give everyone pause.

When married men share couple friends with their spouses, this can fill a part of that need. Other dads they meet through sports and school events, and actually connect and hang out with—can make a difference as well. Actually, these are common ways that women meet new friends. But what about all the single and divorced guys? They might just be the loneliest people on the planet.

It seems one of the best ways for men to meet other men and form friendships is through shared activities that bring them together regularly. Sports, volunteer work, a passion like scuba diving, running marathons, or rock climbing—can all help men to form real connections, not just those superficial ones that lead nowhere.

So if you are a lonely man or woman, consider pursuing a passion, joining a cause, or finding a way to give back in your hood—and make this a consistent and regular part of your life and schedule. Through regular contact with like-minded people (at least in one thing), you could develop new friendships with depth.

If you are married and reading this, don’t panic that your spouse could meet someone of the opposite sex and find that deeper connection. Encourage them if they need this in their life, put any feelings of insecurity aside, and consider doing the same for yourself if your old friendships have drifted away. Good partners care about what is best for one another and encourage them to get it.

What does China have to do with you finding a relationship?

Unfortunately it has more to do with you finding that right person than you may think. As James Carville said, “It’s the economy, stupid.” In a world that is rapidly shrinking, with the world’s economies increasingly interdependent on one another—what happens when U.S. jobs are lost to nations like China, there is a direct impact on our individual citizens.

Economic professors from MIT, the University of Zurich, and the University of California at San Diego looked at the connection between our opening of trade with China and Mexico that allowed US companies to tap cheaper labor across borders, and the U.S. drop in marriage rates, where the share of married women ages 25 to 39 fell by at least 10 percentage points across all socio-economic levels. What they found is that manufacturing is an economic foundation on which a lot of other social arrangements rest. Therefore, when these jobs disappear, there is a reduction of marriageable men. This is because the value of heterosexual men tends to be tied to their employment status because women are likely to reject a man who is not financially stable and able to contribute to the finances of a partnership. Yes, research shows that money does matter—but don’t assume it is because women are shallow, it’s more about survival instincts.

Notice that this research does not say that a man has to be a high earner, he just needs to have a stable job that can pay the bills. For most women, this is enough to provide that sense of security. Birth rates among married couples also go down when the unemployment rate increases, which makes a lot of sense. However unmarried birth rates can go up—maybe because pregnancy can be unplanned and some women may feel they have no choice but to have their babies.

So for any guys out there who worry she is only interested in your earning potential—there is only a little truth in this. For women who think money “doesn’t matter,” it does. Your future health, security, and family stability requires that you choose with your head as well as your heart.

If your sex life isn’t great you are not alone

If you think your relationship is the only one that is lacking a good sex life—think again. A new study has just been published in the journal Archives of Sexual behavior that showed a drop in sexual activity that crosses gender, race, religious, educational and work status lines. Unpartnered folks have traditionally had less sex than partnered ones and though that continues to be true—married people are showing the sharpest decline in sexual activity overall. Ouch, there goes the “marriage advantage.”

Data from the 1989-2014 General Social Survey was used, and demonstrated that American adults have sex seven to nine fewer times than they did in the 1990’s. Doesn’t seem like a lot overall, but it is a clear trend. Married people as a subgroup had a steeper decline in the frequency of sex. The average went from 73 times a year in 1990 to 55 in 2014. Unmarried people currently average 59 sexual encounters per year.

The study did not list reasons why this is happening—but many of us could offer ones that are likely suspects. People are experiencing more stress in their lives, more are using medications to deal with stress/depression that impact sexual desire. In addition, more couples have both partners working outside the home, and this leads to less down time and time for the couple to relax and be alone together.

Since sex is linked to marital satisfaction, this is something we all need to pay attention to, especially those of us who work with couples experiencing marital discord and unhappiness. Too often couples focus on money, stress, and communication problems. Yet their interest in and willingness to put aside other issues and work on their intimacy should be a priority. Intimacy is what distinguishes a committed couple from best friends and roommates—which is what many couples report their relationships have become.

Time spent on electronic devices may also be a culprit. If someone is spending hours online interacting with others instead of setting that time aside for their partner—their sex life will suffer. Another factor is age—many couples slow down as they age and with increased health problems, sex often becomes more like work than fun for couples. Therefore paying attention to one’s overall health and well-being can directly impact one’s marital satisfaction. Now there is a strong motivation for eating well, exercising often, getting the right amount of sleep, setting limits on work, and managing stress in a healthier way.

Want a better sex life? It all begins with you as an individual.

What does Tinder have that dating websites do not?

If you are single and dating and are not familiar with Tinder, you are rare indeed. Tinder has been ranked as the #1 most downloaded lifestyle app for 2 years and counting. Yet if offers little information to users about potential matches. So why is it so popular?

For many folks it is like a drug—you take a hit and then another and get instant satisfaction. There is no delaying gratification as on dating websites where you post a profile, wait for others to respond, read through their profiles, send an email, wait for a response, chat online, maybe chat by phone for a bit—and then possibly agree to that first face-to-face meeting.

Tinder on the other hand serves up potential matches based on looks, location, and availability. Profiles often arrive one after the other—and all the user has to do is swipe right or left and wait to see if the other person goes with right or left. If both swipe right, they can meet immediately as they are always in close proximity, which is one Tinder requirement.

In the old days, we would have scoffed at how shallow this approach is dud to it being based on looks and convenience. But were we being honest with ourselves then? Dating success relies heavily on looks and convenience and always has. Now we are just being honest about it and it has become socially acceptable to pursue others based solely on these criteria.

Tinder has gotten smart (greedy) and limits right swipes for those who don’t sign up for premium—so it’s like any addiction, you will need to keep spending to get your high—and Tinder is a big high for its users. Not surprisingly it has been found that men and women come into Tinder dating with different motivations. Yes, some things don’t change. Women buy into the swipe right based on scarce criteria but are often looking for something more than just a fun date. Men on the other hand are more interested in short-term dating and making a lot of fun matches. Therefore guys tend to swipe right more often than women, which means more women get matches delivered to their inbox then men do. The problem is they may not be looking for the same thing and won’t know this until after that first or second date.

Women are more apt to send messages following matches, and they offer more detail in what they share about themselves then men do. Again, not surprising that guys put in less effort as they are more interested in having an encounter than finding that right person to have the encounter with.

Despite these differences, lasting matches are being made and there are more and more marriages that began by swiping right. There are always users of both sexes looking for love and more. And since it is such a popular app—users increase their odds by being there.

So you will still have to meet and connect with a few frogs, but Prince Charming could absolutely be out there. The elements of luck and timing have always been part of dating and this is the case here as well.

So get active, swipe right when interested and actively engage in those first meetings, putting forth your best true self. Mr or Ms Right are out there somewhere and there is a high probability they are using Tinder right now.

Singles Awareness Day

Just what the single man or woman needs the day after Valentine’s Day—Singles Awareness Day. For weeks now you have been only too aware of your single state and have been counting each day until you could forget about it for another 364 days or you find that right person to celebrate the 14th with next year, whatever comes first.

But no, someone had to come up with Singles Awareness Day which is meant to declare to the world that there is nothing wrong with being single, and that there are in fact, many advantages to the solo life. That Shakespearean quote comes to mind, “Me thinks the Lady (or man) doth protest too much.”

Indeed why do singles have to proclaim this, especially if they don’t really buy into it? To let folks know they are not desperate, undesirable, looking too hard, and/or somehow not fit for coupledom? It seems that if you feel the need to explain, it is because you are feeling defensive, and really, why should you be defensive? Because you haven’t yet found someone you want to commit to, because you enjoy your life as it is and/or are open to the possibility of relationship but not to the idea of forcing it?

The vast majority of us have a solid, happy relationship in our list of long-term goals. It’s NATURAL to desire a partner, friend, confident and lover to go through life with. Other non-human mammals do as well. Isn’t life more fun when you can share it with someone special? It’s the “someone special” part that can be hard to find—and many folks just aren’t willing to settle just to be coupled. Those that do often burn out quickly and find themselves back in the land of the single. Isn’t it more mature, wiser, and a happier experience to get it right the first and only time?

So if you are single today, you don’t need a greater awareness of it. Just go ahead and embrace the life you have, the choices you have made so far—and imagine the possibilities for relationship happiness that could be just around the corner. Get in touch with your inner happy person, this is the one who will help you find and attract that love you seek.

Enjoy

Are your friends and loved ones spying on you?

A survey of 1,308 adult Facebook users conducted by the University of British Columbia found that 24 % had accessed the accounts of friends, partners, and family members without their knowledge or consent—and often using the other person’s computer or cellphone to do so. Wow, take your device everywhere—even into the bathroom with you….One quarter of a sample is statistically significant, in other words, widespread.

It’s not hard to get into someone’s account if their device is on and they are logged in to Facebook. While some of this is curiosity, it is not hard to see how someone who is jealous, possessive, or even a budding stalker could use any information to justify and/or harass the object of their “obsession.”

Facebook can be damaging to relationships—I have seen this many times in my work with couples. When boundaries are crossed and/or inappropriate thoughts/feelings are posted—things can spin out of control quickly. Facebook has led to cheating when those who are bored or unhappy in their relationships decide to “look up” old lovers. Then there are the online connections and flirtations that can lead to offline hook-ups. There are also the perfectly innocent friendships between members of the opposite sex that are misinterpreted as something else by jealous or possessive partners. In the wrong hands, Facebook can be a weapon of destruction.

Because these are often “inside jobs,” passwords and security are beside the point. Of course, keeping your password completely secret from everyone and logging out of Facebook every time you finish using it, would help prevent this from happening to you.

Of course, the bigger issue is trust. If we can’t trust 25% of the people we are in a close relationship with, what does that say in general about our relationships? If you are one of the snoopers, consider stopping now. If you suspect you are being snooped on, it’s time to have that talk about privacy, boundaries, and trust. If someone you are intimately involved with wants to know something—they should bring it to you directly. If they can’t, this is a RED FLAG.

Broken heart syndrome isn’t the same for all those who are grieving

Yes, there is such a thing—and yet I hesitate as I write this for fear of how it could influence those going through a break-up or other loss. As a psychotherapist and relationship coach who has worked with many singles and couples going through a break-up or divorce, I have found it challenging to help many of these grieving individuals to maintain their faith that things do get better with time, support, and effort on their part.

The naked truth is that we can get our hearts broken. The other part of that truth is that we can recover and move on, depending on a number of variables.

Last week the headline news included a lot of press about Debbie Reynolds and her daughter, Carrie Fisher. Following the sudden loss of her daughter, Ms. Reynolds died of a stroke, brought about most certainly by her shock and grief and her belief that her life was or should be over now that her daughter’s was. This is actually something that is fairly common among the elderly—when one long married spouse dies, the other follows shortly. It’s also common for an elderly parent to die not long after the loss of a child, especially an only child. The reason this happens in the elderly is actually quite simple—they have lived most of their life already and are looking back not ahead. Their lives have narrowed to close family, maybe a few friends—after having said good-bye to their youth, careers, many friends and family already. They are in their twilight and the only lights still burning come from these intimate others. When one is lost suddenly or even expectedly from death—the person feels as though a part of them has died, and they can’t imagine the future without them. Indeed, their short future would never be the same.

However, this same loss for someone who is much younger is very different, or should be. Yes, losing a child is the most devastating thing that can happen to a person, followed by the loss of a long term partner or spouse. The grief is the most raw and painful because this person is a central part of their lives and seen as someone who will be a part of their future for years to come. When the loss happens, they feel as though they have lost a part of themselves, yet, they still have (potentially) many years in front of them that they must live, find meaning in, and will seek a new normal for.

Therefore when someone comes in for help with grieving over a lost relationship, married or unmarried—though their grief is very real and painful, it is not the same as for a much older person losing a long-term partner. The stages of grief will be their guide, with acceptance and moving on being the last stage before they find acceptance and happiness in their new normal. It will take time, lots of support, help dealing with their anger and resistance to contemplate a new (and hopefully much better) life—which many people find, by the way.

There is life after the loss of a relationship. It will be different, and getting there will not be easy at first. However, with time and persistence—the future could be so much better than the past with that ex-partner, and you could be feeling so much gratitude over having been forced to say good-bye to that old life in order to discover the new one that has brought you much greater happiness.