Month: April 2018

Mansplaining, feminism, and the war of the sexes

“What war” you may be asking yourself. And Mansplaining, what is that? If you haven’t heard, it’s a term used to describe when a guy talks down to a woman, especially when she is a colleague or other business associate.

A condescending attitude is not a new thing—many of us have felt talked down to by someone at some point in our lives. Adults do it to kids, especially teens, bosses do it to people they supervise, neighbors do it to neighbors, and friends to friends—in other words, it’s fairly universal, and no one wants to be on the receiving end of it.

But now it’s being labelled as a behavior that is more exclusive to men who talk down to women; which according to the recent uproar following the roll-out of an anti-mansplaining campaign by a trade union is an issue for a lot of women. However some have been asking if it’s fair to men. After all, many people of both sexes have been guilty of it.

One has to wonder if this is more about the feelings women have towards males that often get preferential treatment in the workplace because they are men. The system leans towards guys who were once the large majority of workers, and who are still seen as the ones in power. But is this actually true?

Many women are earning college and advanced degrees, their numbers are growing in all the professions. More and more we see women who are the bread winners for their families or who earn the larger paycheck. Women are holding elected offices, and are seated at the head of the table in boardroom of top companies. Women have made a lot of progress and we came very close to having the first women elected to the highest office in our land. Impressive, so why the outcry when mansplaining became a talked about topic recently?

What about these two possibilities? What if men are feeling defensive due to the success and achievements of so many of their female counterparts? A condescending attitude can be a sign of defensiveness rather than a signal that the guy really sees her as less.

It’s also possible that women hold on to feelings of inferiority towards men. Perhaps their recent successes as a group haven’t caught up to them, especially if they still feel a need or make the decision to take a back seat to the men they are romantically involved with. Maybe their accusations are just a reflection of their own defensiveness and insecurity, and if so—the best way to deal with this would be just like a guy would who is being talked down to. They should assertively confront the person, putting their concerns right out there and letting the guy know this is how he is coming across.

Why is it that women talk to EVERYONE else when they are unhappy with someone? If you want to level the playing field with men, be direct, and be assertive ladies. There’s no place at the top for timidity or passive-aggressive behavior.

Words from the Dalai Lama that could benefit intimate relationships

The NY Times has an interesting piece running today by The Dalai Lama and Arthur C. brooks. It explores what is behind our anxiety—the fear of “being unneeded.” According to the authors, for all the progress the world has made on human rights, poverty, sexism, and hunger—there is still much anger, discontent, and a feeling of hopelessness, especially in the worlds’ wealthiest nations.

This article attempts to answer why this is so. It references research about what makes people thrive, and what comes up over and over again is that people need to be needed. Selfish people are unhappy, those who serve their fellow men in a variety of ways, great and small, are found to be happier. They quote 13th century sages who taught that “If one lights a fire for others, it will also brighten one’s own way.”

All the great religions in the world teach this, and it is a tenant they all share. Studies prove that selflessness and joy are intertwined, yet too many people are focused solely on their own needs and wants or on survival, heads down and only seeing a few steps ahead.

The authors theorize that pain and indignation are rising in wealthy countries due to the belief of their citizens that they are no longer useful, needed, or at one with their fellow citizens. This then dampens the human spirit and leads to negativity and feelings of isolation.

The piece suggests that what people can do about this is ask themselves what they can do each day to appreciate the gifts and contributions of others. In other words, we need to become compassionate societies.

Upon reading this, my thoughts went to how this appreciation could be applied to improve committed relationships, marriage, and families. Too often, couples find themselves falling into emotional and physical distance, due to a focus on their own needs, wants, and bean-counting behavior. By this I mean, grudgingly giving with the expectation that they should be rewarded a certain way, and if not, resentment and unhealthy competition often set in. Too often, appreciation is not expressed, only frustration and annoyance when the individual feels slighted, minimized, or their feelings are overlooked by their partner.

Therefore I would suggest that everyone reading this make a commitment to show even some small appreciation every day for what your partner brings to your life and relationship. Nothing is too small to notice or mention. This validation will lead to feelings of goodwill that will help to provide insurance against all the rocky days and periods that all relationships go through. And if the research and the conclusions of these authors is correct, it will help you to achieve greater happiness in your relationship.

Is Facebook good for you, bad for you, or both?

A new study has come out that examined how the use of Facebook impacts our health—that’s right, our physical health. Not surprising, the results show a complicated result—its use correlates to users living longer—but this is when it serves the purpose of enhancing and maintaining social ties. That part makes sense and is consistent with a lot of previous research on the importance of social connections to good health and longevity.

UC San Diego, collaborating with colleagues at Facebook and Yale conducted the research that studied 12 million Facebook users born between 1945 and 1989 for over six months and found an association (not causation) between using Facebook and living longer. It can be found in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

However, how folks use Facebook makes a difference. It is only beneficial when the use is moderate and users also have offline interactions and connections. When a user spends a great deal of time online and has few if any offline relationships—Facebook use is found to be negative. Fortunately the number of people who are only connected online is a very small percentage of users overall.

In any given year, users are 12 percent less likely to die than non-users. Researchers did stipulate that socioeconomics could play a role here and further research could help pinpoint if it does. Those with large social networks live the longest, and this is consistent with other longevity studies that show those with largest social networks are happier and healthier. Extroverts have an edge overall, to be sure. This was also shown in the higher longevity of those who accepted the most friendship requests—they do better than those who turn down more people. Which are you?

What is interesting about this study to someone like myself, a relationship coach—is that I am very acquainted with the negative ways Facebook can harm relationships. I’d like to see a study on that one.

Want to read the study in detail? Go to

How the 2016 election is impacting relationships

While we can’t be sure of what the results will be on November 8th—we can be sure that this race has had, and will continue to have, a negative impact on many relationships. Husbands and wives, extended family members, parents and their grown children, dating singles, co-workers, friends, and neighbor relationships have all felt the sting of this election on their interactions with one another. It seems that it’s not possible for most people to feel only a little like or dislike for either Presidential candidate—they either love them or hate them. Then there are the many who hate both and want someone altogether to be our next leader of the free world. And many of these lovers and haters are in close relationships with each other but on different sides of this issue.

The stories and anecdotes are everywhere. There have been fistfights at family events, couples have stopped speaking to one another, and those who are single and dating have found another challenge to add to the usual one of finding someone they are compatible with. It seems like a great challenge for many people to just let it go when someone praises this person they don’t support. It’s as though folks feel that if someone can support THAT person, there is something really wrong with them and/or their thinking—and they wonder about the person’s values and true feelings. GEEEZZZ

All of this is a reflection of the great divide between people that has plagued this country for several years—we have devolved into an “us and them society.” Somehow we have lost the ability to hear one another out, and respect one another, while acknowledging that we have different perspectives and ideas about what the best choice in a leader would be. People appear to be making very clear judgements about one another, and deciding that there can be no middle ground. This election is being taken very personally by many people.

All of this is much like what happens when a marriage goes bad. Couples began making accusations, stop listening, are disrespectful towards one another—and wonder what they ever thought they saw in this person. They question each others’ values and motives and all common ground dissolves. If it goes on too long, they often reach a point of no return.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We can respectfully agree to disagree, discuss our choices in calm, respectful tones, not interrupt, ban all shouting and name calling—and even make some small attempt to see the world through the other person’s eyes. Imagine a world where we all tried to treat those around us like we would want to be treated. It will never be a perfect world—but that would get us as close as we could ever be.

It’s also what happy marriages are grounded in.

Is the secret to happy marriage being nice to one another?

Though many of you may have already known this through intuition and common sense, newly released research is proving it to be correct. Couples who are nice to one another are happier. But how they define nice is important—as for many of us, this may be subjective.

Researchers at the IDC, Bar-Ilan University, the University of Rochester, and Cornell Tech in New York have published a study in the Journal of Personality and Social psychology that essentially defines nice as being responsive to your partner’s needs outside of the bedroom. This sounds rather familiar doesn’t it? Women have been trying to tell guys this for years, drawing a connection between what happens outside of the bedroom and inside of it.

Three separate studies were conducted with over 100 couples participating. In the first study that consisted of back and forth structured interactions, they evaluated how well each participant understood what their partner was communicating, how well they validated their feelings, and how they expressed warmth and affection towards them. The researchers were attempting to pinpoint what keeps happiness alive for couples after the initial highs of physical chemistry fade.

The second study used videotapes of the couples in an interaction in which one partner told either a positive or negative personal story and the other responded to it. Afterwards they were asked to express their feelings using some form of physical intimacy, and researchers coded these responses. And evaluated them for level of desire.

The couples in the third study kept daily diaries for six weeks that reported on the quality of their relationship, how responsive each felt their partner was to them, and their level of desire towards their partner.

The overall results showed a clear connection between sexual desire and perception of a partner’s responsiveness. In a nutshell, a responsive, tuned in partner is a turn-on. Women partners were especially sensitive to this.

Some ways to be nicer? Listen, really listen, and do it without judgement, pay attention to the little things that impact your partner, show support when it is needed/asked for—and take the time to tune in, really tune in. Spicing up your sex life won’t hurt either.

Are you an older dater looking for more? There’s an app for that

Dating apps are no longer just for the younger crowd. Apparently the creators of these apps have decided to tap into the many 35+ year old daters out there who are more established in their careers, motivated to find people for dating and more—and have the money and willingness to pay for the right services.

A number of these apps did not allow or actively discouraged “older” daters to join when they launched a few years back. However now that they have becomes well-established and have many users, they are tapping into this more lucrative group. Some started a waiting list of daters in this demographic and when the pool had grown large enough to increase their chances of satisfaction—they were allowed to purchase memberships, which they are happily doing. Membership fees are where dating site owners get most of their revenue, so the addition of these older single is just good business.

These memberships come with added features, like being able to seek matches when travelling and therefore outside of the standard “100” miles allowed on most apps. Over time, new features have been added that young daters usually resist, but older daters are happy to belly up to the bard for.

It’s working well and many apps are reporting a strong share of paid members using additional features—and a much stronger bottom line for the company because of it.

If you are an older dater and want more than the basic free service, and are willing to pay for it—these apps have a lot to offer. The number of users are strong and they are a willing group, often doing more than “just looking.” Want someone to cuddle with in the long, dark season ahead? Sign up for an app and consider which services would enhance your experiences and increase your odds. Then go for it.

Oxytocin—the spiritual hormone

New research from Duke University that appears online in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience has found that oxytocin may be more than just the “love hormone.” Men who participated in the study reported a greater sense of spirituality after taking oxytocin, and more positive emotions while practicing meditation. Both spirituality and meditation have long been linked to emotional and physical well-being—therefore the study’s authors were interested in learning more about biological factors that could enhance spirituality and a sense of well-being.

Oxytocin has long been known for its role in supporting social awareness, bonding and altruism. Now we know it also increases a sense of spirituality—which helps to frame our world view, what we believe, and how we relate to others. So could goodness actually be traced back to a chemical that some people have more of and are therefore more giving, caring, and connected to their fellow men?

Oxytocin affects men and women differently, so the study included just men. The researchers stated that the chemical’s impact on women’s spirituality needs to be studied as well—which will yield even more useful information about its effects.

Of note is that oxytocin did not produce the same results for all participants. Its effect on spirituality was stronger for participants with a specific variant of the CD38 gene—a gene that regulates the release of oxytocin from neurons in the brain.

Does all this mean that someone is destined to be a disconnected non-believer because they have a low flow of oxytocin in their brain? Probably not. However it may point to why someone is an extrovert rather than an introvert, or why some folks find connecting with others to be so easy while others struggle with shyness and social awkwardness. Regardless of our basic biology, we can all work on improving our emotional intelligence, practice meditation skills, and become better communicators with those around us. Yes, it does seem so easy for some, but this doesn’t mean it’s not possible for those who have to put in some effort to make it happen.

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A monument to love lost

The Museum of Broken Relationships (yes, there is such a thing) was the brainchild of an artist (ex) couple who wondered what people actually do with all things that are reminders and remnants of their lost relationship. In 2006 they took this from idea to their first exhibit—and it took off, touring internationally before they established the first permanent museum in Zagreb, Croatia in 2010. In 2016 The Museum of Broken relationships was brought to LA by John B Quinn—and it’s popularity, especially among couples, is very strong.

The museum accepts donations of relationship relics along with their stories from anonymous donors. It is these donations and the stories of the lost loves behind them that make up the displays. Therefore they are always accepting and looking for the next great story. Just imagine how many people have held onto old keepsakes and reminders of that very special love that they have not gotten over. Certainly first loves must be overrepresented as they are the ones that stay with us forever.

Since the experience of finding then losing that special relationship is a universal one, it’s easy to understand why this museum gets so much buzz. We can all relate to the stores it tells and the people behind them. They are us and we are them. No one is alone in this experience.

If you continue to be haunted by an old love, to struggle due to a lack of closure—you might be able to find it in telling your story to the world. It would be anonymous of course, but you could share it with so many, which can be a great catharsis for the love lorn. Perhaps a visit to the museum could help as well. For there you would find your story, being told over and over, often by people who moved on, healed, and thrived in new relationships. If you are dating, this seems to be a popular date venue—couples come in smiling and walking near one another, and leave holding one another, often filled with a lot of emotion. If you are unsure of your significant other’s feeling, take them here and observe their body language. You could gain a lot of information about their feelings regarding you and the relationship.

What your fantasies say about your relationship

Research has found that almost everyone has sexual fantasies, approximately 95 to 98% of people actually. This finding is that that surprising—at least to the 95% or so of us who have them. What may come as a surprise is that new research has found that relationships are improved and enhanced by fantasy—as long as the partners are fantasizing about each other instead of, well you know.

Another thing we didn’t need research to reveal is that men’s fantasies are more sexually graphic, while women fantasize more about romance fueled by emotions. But this latest research teases out more interesting detail that points to fantasizes being tied to certain personality types as well as what people want from their relationships. Now all we need is a first date quiz that would help the individual’s learn more about one another’s sexual fantasies in order to know if they are compatible in their relationships goals. Not very romantic and maybe would need to be shelved till the second or third date. However it sure could save a lot of time and wasted effort.

Not surprising is that the kind of fantasies that people have are determined by a number of factors besides gender. These include age, past sexual experiences, the length of a relationship and degree of happiness in it, personality and even emotional style (cuddly, warm, distant, and detached). For instance if someone is attachment avoidant, they fantasize about casual, unemotional sex. If they are insecure and fear losing love, they fantasize about pleasing their partner. Secure people fantasize about loving and romantic sex with a strong emotional element. When you think about it, it’s pretty logical.

Maybe when people talk about desperation, clinginess, and neediness as turn-offs—what they are really pointing to is that this person is insecure and has low-self-esteem. Confidence and strong self-esteem are turn-ons for most of us.

The important take away from the resent research is that fantasizing about YOUR partner will help your relationship. Yes, everyone, especially men fantasize about others from time to time—but focusing on one’s partner can actually improve how you relate to one another. On study found that people who fantasize about their partner one day were more likely to feel more committed and trusting towards them the next day. Another study showed that when a partner fantasized about their partner, they were more likely to be kinder and more positive to them the next day.

For anyone in a relationship—try making your partner the sole object of your fantasies. Your relationship will thank you for it.

Millennials rejecting the sexual revolution

The Washington Post has run a couple of pieces on the differences in sexual behavior between millennials and the generations just before them. It’s a very interesting topic because it delves into something that many have false assumptions about—the sexual behavior of this younger group.

Contrary to current myths (and urban legend) younger folks are not more sexually promiscuous than their parents were—in fact, they are waiting longer before having their first sexual experience. The Boomers began the sexual revolution and that generation is known for its indulgence in sex, drugs and rock and roll. It was also a generation that greatly impacted the divorce rate—as Boomers were raised to believe that divorce was no big deal and that if you weren’t happy, you should get out. Women were making great strides in pursuing higher education and moving into careers that had previously been open mostly to men. So the attitude was that they could now do anything that men could and didn’t need to remain dependent and submissive—and this included in their sex lives. Younger women benefitted from these new freedoms—but clearly there were downsides. Perhaps this new sexual trend is a reflection of one or more of those.

The Journal Archives of Sexual behavior published a study recently that found that those born in the 1990’s are more than twice as likely to be sexually inactive in their 20’s than their parent’s generation was. Millennials as a group have fewer sexual partners than Generation Xers and Boomers did and do.

Interestingly some experts are saying this could be a BAD sign that suggests these folks can’t handle real intimacy and instead engage more virtually with people—which can risk their ability to be close and handle intimacy as they grow older. I say nonsense. My theory is that they have had “permission” to experiment, and be open sexually—and have found out it’s not all it is cracked up to be. They have seen the downsides in the older generation and have decided that how they handled it didn’t work out so well. After all is a high divorce rate, multiple partners, and seeking love over 50 all that great?

Besides, for those who have experienced hooking up—they have found out that is not really all that great either. It often leaves them feeling empty and wishing for more real romance, mystery, and FEELINGS in their relationships. I hear this from my male and female millennial clients.

Now that they know they can, they are choosing more and more not to. Who knows, we may return to a slower, more traditional way of dating. For those who fought for the sexual revolution, ask yourself if it was all you thought it would be and if your life has turned out well (at least in part) to what was available to you back then. It’s likely many of you would say the freedoms were great but you wish you could go back and take things a little slower.