Month: April 2018

Planning to pop the question? What you should know first

Researchers at the University of Texas at Austin conducted a study where the ideal VS actual marriage proposals for approximately 400 newly engaged and newly married individuals were examined. The objective was to see how close actual proposals come to the ideal that people often hold about what the experience of a marriage proposal should be like. Not surprisingly, these two did not match up for many people.

Some of what they found was:

75% of people were satisfied with how public VS private their proposal actually was—so 25% wanted it more one way than the other. Most often it was that they had preferred a more private affair to the one they got.

Overall, their actual proposal was significantly less romantic than their ideal one. Somehow it just didn’t contain the romance they thought or expected it would.

The most popular time for proposals is the evening and most of those surveyed were happy with the time their partner proposed. However most would have wanted to change the location or who was present (this is probably where the romance got lost for them).

The top 6 ideal proposal locations were–by water, home, at a restaurant, on a walk, or at an international destination (like France) were tied at 4th/5th, and 6th was at a park or garden. These were then compared to the top 6 actual proposal locations, which were—home, by the water, at a restaurant, in a park or garden, and while on a walk/hike. Therefore these were not too far from the actual ideal places that folks had in mind.

43% of parents knew about the proposal in advance, 15 % of siblings knew, and 19% of friends did. Interestingly, 37.5 asked for parental approval ahead of time—seems almost like an outdated notion, right? Maybe not.

If you are anticipating a proposal soon, you may want to help your partner out by telling a family member and friend what your ideal proposal would be, as they will share this if consulted. It’s also OK to drop a hint or two directly to your significant other. If you are the one planning to pop the question, get input from others close to them—you just might be able to plan an almost ideal proposal for your intended.

Houses haunted by past loves

The NY Times has a fun piece today titled; The House That Love Built before it was Gone. It features three unique and notable homes built by people long ago for someone they had fallen passionately in love with. Frank Lloyd Wright, Eileen Gray, and Monica Vitti, were either those who designed and built them or the objects of the passion that inspired them. For each, their love affairs all ended in these homes, just 3 years after each had begun.

These were people with money and opportunity, those who could follow their passion to wherever it led. One couple fell in lust with other people while married—and followed their hearts to a new home he built for (and inspired by) her. But she died in a fire there that was deliberately set and killed several others, including her children. For another, the passion died a natural death, they split, and the house had a new mistress in it. The third couple was an older woman and younger man, she having built the home with exquisite details of their union designed into the stone. When they split following much absence by him, she left him the house and moved to another, apparently hoping for a new love. The house would later be the setting for murder and tragedy—a dark place is how it is often described.

If houses really do reflect the people who live in them—do they also contain the energy that was once there? If so, this is what people must mean when they talk about the personality of a home—that which is shaped by those who built it, lived in it, loved and even died in it.

Do you ever dream about past places you have called home? Are you tempted to drive by and see if any evidence of you and those you loved has remained? Do you wonder about the people who lived in your house before you—what their life, work and passions were all about? Do you wonder if any trace of you might be found years from now through some small memory or object you left behind?

Houses are so much more than buildings—and this is demonstrated every time we walk into an old home and feel the ghosts and hear the stories of those who came before. This is not haunting—it’s just a home holding onto something of those who once lived and loved there.

To go the article, click here

Do you have a problematic relationship history? Blame your genes

It’s likely you have some familiarity with the term Emotional intelligence. You may even know about what it is, how to spot it in others—and how to improve yours for better relating. A new study is now pointing to our genes and how they might play a role in our EQ. Yes, this is interesting, but I fear it could lead folks to think they were born a certain way, and that is that. Not true, you can improve your EQ—however charisma and social dexterity do come easier to some than to others. Here’s what the study found.

Psychologists at the University of Georgia found that when a SPECIFIC gene was silenced, it seemed to have an effect on the person’s ability to form healthy relationships. They also noted that this gene aids in a person’s ability to recognize the emotional states of others—which by the way is an essential component of high EQ. They blame a process called methylation, which impacts how a gene expresses itself, and in this case, it’s the OXT gene that is implicated. That is because it is this gene that produces oxytocin, which is a hormone that influences a wide range of social behavior in all mammals.

When methylation is increased it suppresses the OXT gene, which then lowers its activity and ability to do its job. This study shows it has a marked impact on social functioning. Participants were put through tests that evaluated their social skills and their brain structure and function. What researchers found is that those who had higher amounts of methylation of the OXT gene had lower levels of expression—and this resulted in a marked difficulty recognizing emotions in the expressions of others as well as an increase in anxiety about their relationships in general. MRI’s found that those with increased methylation of the OXT gene had reduced neural activity in areas of the brain associated with social-cognitive processing.

If you want to know more, this study was published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences or on

Happy couples don’t notice the attractiveness of others

Scientists from Rutgers University and New York University recently concluded a set of experiments in which they found evidence that couples downgrade the attractiveness of individuals that they perceive as a threat to their relationships. The results were published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

Therefore if you find yourself minimizing the looks of someone you think you would have dated/been with if you were not with your partner—you may be unconsciously trying to boost your self-control so that you aren’t tempted to step over the line with them. This would be especially true if your present relationship is a happy one that meets many of your needs.

What is unique about this research is that they were able to test for unconscious visual bias—in the past it was always the conscious bias of participants that was measured. Participants who were shown pictures of attractive, popular, and single individuals downgraded them while the pictures they viewed of less attractive but coupled people were routinely upgraded to be more attractive than the single individuals. They were even offered $50.00 to get it right, and still the coupled people got higher marks for attractiveness, which demonstrated that this was how they were actually being perceived.

A second study was done in which participants were first asked how happy they were in their relationships. Then they were asked to grade the same pictures for attractiveness. Guess what? The ones who rated their relationships as happy, had similar picks as the first group. Those who were dissatisfied in their relationships gave the higher marks to the individuals in the single, attractive and available group. This clearly showed that if they were happy they did not want to risk temptation and if not—they were allowing themselves to notice others who were attractive.

Interesting stuff. Check it out

The Tinder date

First dates usually conjure up two very opposing feelings and attitudes. Some people enjoy dating, meeting new people, experiencing the thrill of wondering if this person could end up being the person—but for others, dating is a necessary evil in their quest to find love.

And that was the way it used to be, when dating was a lot more simple and straightforward and people actually asked/got asked out, and planned a date which included a get to know one another activity that lasted more than 15 minutes.

Then along came online meeting and dating, which added the challenge of deciding to meet someone based on their profile, a series of emails, and/or phone calls. That first meeting was arranged with a virtual stranger and often resulted in a hit or miss for the two people involved.

Now we have dating apps. Feel in the mood to meet someone new? Sign on to the app, see who is nearby, check out their picture and VERY LIMITED information—and rush off to meet them. On any given night in Singles rich cities everywhere, Tinder couples are arranging quick meets in bars, coffee places and restaurants. It’s not uncommon for someone to walk in, see the other person (in person) and head out the door before they are seen. Then there are the 5 minute “interviews,” where two people sit and talk and after a few minutes, don’t feel the connection. For others, they might linger over a drink or coffee, liking what they are seeing and hearing, but not committing to a meal or another drink.

There are many singles who arrange several of these “dates” in one night. Must be hard to keep everyone’s information and names straight. Of course we do hear about couples who are engaged and married who met on Tinder—with these odds, it can’t be easy to achieve that.

With a dating culture like this one, it’s a wonder that anyone even bothers. It’s enough to leave you longing for a quiet corner at home and a good book, or out searching for meaningful experiences that would bring you into contact with real-life singles who you can get to know the old-fashioned way.

Which spouse desires more sex—the husband or the wife?

The Journal of Personality and Social psychology recently published a study on married sex—how often and how much desire is shown by partners, broken down by sex. It also delves into a husband’s perceptions about his wife‘s desire VS her perceptions about how he is feeling.

What they found is that men in general have a higher sex drive, but in long-term relationships, this is not so. Men have some difficulty judging a woman’s interest in sex, whereas women usually read their guy’s interest correctly. This last one is not that surprising, women are better overall at reading nonverbal communication than men are. Researchers also found that on the days men thought their partners were not interested, these same partners reported more satisfaction from their relationships. This most likely has to do with the men trying harder on those days, rather than being complacent and not believing they have to put any extra effort into their relationship. Mmmm, maybe this kind of scenario is where the whole idea of playing hard to get was conceived.

Their sex by the numbers statistics found that almost 80% of married couples have sex a few times a month or more; 32% report engaging in sex two to three times a week; 47% report having sex a few times a month; and less than 10% say their last sexual encounter lasted an hour or more. I must confess that as a therapist who works mostly with couples, I was surprised that the couples in this study were having as much sex as they said they are.

The study also touches on couples having sex when only one person feels desire—and that this can be good for a marriage and help keep their sexual connection going. I agree with this, not as a regular event, but during those times one is tired, unmotivated, etc—but is willing to make that extra effort for their partner.

If you would like to read more on this, go to

Why are we so often wrong about our forever after?

The NY Times had a very interesting piece running a couple of days ago titled “Why you will marry the wrong person.” Now that’s a title that would get the attention of anyone who is single, and especially anyone who is presently engaged to who they believe is their right person.

The Times piece offers one fairly simple reason for why folks marry the wrong person—they say that we are all crazy in some way, but don’t discuss, explore or really demonstrate our craziness with one another before we say “I do.” Then, after marriage, our real selves come out and suddenly our partner is asking who is this person and why didn’t I know this before? They make the point that the close proximity created by intimacy brings out our problems, and that many of us have an array of them. Wow, that is sobering.

According to the author; “marriage ends up as a hopeful, generous, infinitely kind gamble taken by two people who don’t know yet who they are or who the other might be, binding themselves to a future they cannot conceive of and have carefully avoided investigating.” As a therapist who works with many couples in trouble, I can’t really disagree with this theory. Couples don’t do enough talking and asking beforehand—as though they fear it will be too unromantic or demonstrate a lack of faith in one another. The piece points out that we now have marriages based on feelings, instead of practicality and convenience. This is because most people believe that chemistry is about how we feel and don’t consider the other important pieces needed for marital success–like stability, maturity, and reliability. You are probably thinking, oh, how boring. Believe me, these qualities grow on you.

When we marry we look for someone who is familiar and resonates with our childhood perceptions and experience of love—which may or may not have been functional or healthy. If our role models shaped us to seek out needy, angry, or uncommunicative people to love and make whole—then this is who we would believe our right person to be. If someone seeking a relationship with dysfunctional traits encounters a healthy, stable and mature person—they usually don’t feel any attraction. This then leads them to reject someone who could have been right for them and with whom they could have found happiness.

In my experience there is great truth to what this author lays out as the reason people end up in unhappy marriages. Therefore what you have always heard is true—get yourself straight before making one of the most important decisions and biggest commitments of your life. Otherwise, you may end up marrying the wrong person for all the wrong reasons.

An app that answers the question; “Should I stay or go?”

There’s an app for everything it seems. Now a team of folks from Hollywood along with Gary Lewandowski, PhD, have developed and recently released an app called StayGo. Catchy, isn’t it? It’s name describes that age-old dilemma that so many folks find themselves in with their relationships—“Should I stay or should I go?”

StayGo is an evaluation tool that is comprised of a set of 20 dimensions that are associated with relationship quality and longevity across hundreds of research studies involving both dating and marriage.

Users answer a series of short questions that assess 20 aspects of their partners and their relationships. They receive a score and feedback for each one, and then their overall relationship quality is calculated. The answers are very personalized to the users ages, length of relationship, and other factors—so every score is very unique, regardless of the similarity of answers that folks may provide.

The app doesn’t answer the question about staying or going—but once the data is offered, users have something concrete and objective to use in order to make their decision.

SayGo has a second tool that is a daily relationship tracker. It gives the user 3 questions to answer each day, and over time it offers a picture of how the relationship is doing over time. This is very useful because memory is flawed and we tend to forget, mix up timelines—and lose track of whether things are improving or not, staying the same, fluctuating up and down, etc. Hard to argue with data that is right in front of you.

Then there is a peeps feature, which is really a great idea. This allows friends/family to give anonymous feedback on whether they like your partner, approve of your relationship, etc. Really, how many folks would be honest about their feelings if asked directly? This way they can be honest—and this information can be very useful to anyone trying to decide whether they should stay or go.

This innovative and useful tool is available for both IOS and Android.

Your risk for divorce may be lower than you feared

We have all heard the statistic many times—that approximately half of all marriages eventually end up in divorce. However, this is only part of the story, therefore the correct statistic is that it depends. Your socio-economic class, educational level, race, and employment status all contribute to your risk for divorce.

Divorce rates peaked in the 1970’s and early 80’s, but have been on an overall decline since then. At the present time we are closer to a one-third failure rate—which isn’t great, but definitely moving in the right direction. However, you could actually have a higher or lower risk than the average, due to a number of factors.

Those who went as far as a high school diploma have a higher divorce rate that those who have completed college or have an advanced degree.

If you are white, your risk of divorce is lower than it is for African-Americans. Hispanics have a lower risk than White non-Hispanics, and Asians have the lowest rate of all groups. Native Americans have the highest divorce rate of all races.

It isn’t difficult to take a step back from this breakdown and see two common themes—financial well-being and religious affiliation. After all, if you are well-educated, you are more likely to have secure and more lucrative employment. If you are from a religion (such as Catholicism) where divorce is heavily frowned upon, you are less likely to consider divorce to be an option that is open to you. If you are in a minority group that has statistically lower rates of education and employment, money will be a big concern and impact on your life and relationships.

Let’s face it, financial security or lack of it have a huge impact on our emotional and physical well-being, overall stability, and on our relationships. This is why it is so important to focus on your own goals and to work towards a job or career that offers stability and opportunity for continued growth and financial security. It is also important to take a potential partner’s finances into account before making a commitment to marriage/children. It may seem very unromantic, but it’s important to choose not just with your heart, but with your head.

Want to be heard? Speak with your body

I have been talking about the importance of nonverbal communication in relationships for a long time. Now there is more proof of how important this is if you want to hear and be heard correctly.

In a study that was recently published in Frontiers in Psychology; robot avatars who were programmed to talk with their hands were as easy to understand as humans delivering the same messages. Researchers Paul Bremner and Ulte Leonards combined classic hand gestures with speech (multi-modal) to see how well the robots could be understood. Then they compared the robot’s communication with that voiced by human subjects to see if there was any significant difference between the two, and found that there was not.

First the actors were recorded as they gestured and spoke their lines. Then the avatars used these recordings and mimicked the exact gestures and a comparison was made. Even though avatars don’t have the same exact shape or flexibility in their hands and arms, their gestures were still as effective.

What these researchers found is that when movement is combined with voice, communication is more effective, even if the speaker is a robot. Think about how this translates to dating and relationship communication. By learning to use gestures, pauses, eye and facial movements, and body posture to convey our messages; we can greatly increase our chances of being heard and delivering the intended message.

For anyone who struggles with feeling misunderstood, who has difficulty connecting with others, and/or who experiences a lot of frustration during first meetings and too often leaves the wrong impression—try turning your attention to everything you don’t say with words, but say with your body. This is what others are paying attention to—whether they or you are aware of it or not.