Month: April 2018

Bad posture can ruin your dating life and impact your relationships

Our Smartphones have become essential tools for not only communicating with others but for organizing our lives, managing our work and personal schedules, storing data, shopping, finding our way around, and accessing all kinds of information—all with a few easy clicks and swipes. What did we do before we had them?

We managed with payphones, our telephone and address books, appointment calendars, filing systems, libraries, and yes, our feet. Life was slower, we had real-time, face-to-face interactions with others, we were inconvenienced, we had to plan ahead, and many of us got hopelessly lost sometimes. But we were more active and apparently our posture was a lot better.

According to the New Zealand physiotherapist, Steve August, we are suffering from the iHunch, also referred to as iPosture and itext neck. This condition happens over time and is the result of bending our necks forward 60 degrees as we use our phones. The resulting stress from the weight this places on our spines forms a stoop or hump on our upper backs. This used to be much more common in the elderly, but now is happening more and more in the young. Just writing this is leading me to sit with a very erect posture and to hold my head as straight as possible as I type.

In addition, the consequences go beyond just the physical—as if that weren’t bad enough. Depressed people slouch in much the same way. So do folks with low self-esteem and/or a problem with assertiveness and confidence. A study published earlier this year in Health Psychology found that when subjects in their study were told to slouch during mock job interviews it led to lowered self-esteem, greater fear, and increased negativity—even when these slouchers had no history of these issues. The researchers concluded that “sitting upright may be a simple behavioral strategy to help build resilience to stress.”

Another study found that slouching can affect memory, where the slouchers had better memory recall for negative VS positive information. Most of us have heard the term “selective memory or hearing,” where people seem to only recall certain things that were said to them or that occurred. It’s not a leap to consider how their posture might be contributing to this. Another study showed more productivity among those who sat upright VS the slouchers. Do you ever struggle with finishing a memo, letter, or work project? Consider trying a different and more upright posture and see if this helps you to think more clearly and be more productive. The smaller the device, the greater the slouch, so that is also something to consider.

Now what does all this have to do with relationships? In fact, everything. What you communicate nonverbally to those you interact with at work, on the street, at social and other non-related work events, and with those you are close to—all impacts how they see you and the quality of the relationship you have with them.

Think about it, if you are out at a club and an attractive stranger looks your way and sees someone who is communicating low self-esteem and a negative attitude—do you think that person will have an interest in getting to know you? What about in your work relationships? How might a co-worker relate to you if they see you as negative, timid and unproductive VS positive, assertive and confident? This is also important with family, friends and in intimate relationships. Everyone wants to be around people who lift them up, who come across and confident, strong and at ease. If you ever wonder what you may be doing wrong that leads to confusing and/or disappointing interactions with others—consider your posture. It’s a great place to start.

Will you be happier if you marry rather than cohabitate?

Ohio State University used data that was collected in the 2000’s for a study that examined how living together VS getting married impacts an individual’s well-being, and it compared the differences between the impacts on men VS women. The conclusions were that young women, get as much benefit from moving in with a partner (in a first relationship) as they do from marriage. They also experienced the same decline in emotional distress from either cohabitation without marriage and marriage. Clearly moving into commitment with or without marriage improves a woman’s sense of security and increases her happiness.

Men on the other hand had a drop in emotional distress when they went directly to marriage, but not to a shared living arrangement (in their first committed relationship.) It is somewhat surprising that marriage causes less distress for a guy than moving in together does. Perhaps making the big decision and having this behind them has a calming influence on men but not on women.

However, once both sexes get to a second or subsequent relationship, the differences in their emotional returns from living together VS marrying are the same. Apparently guys feel better about living together as opposed to going right into marriage after they have some serious relationship experience under their belts.

It’s interesting that marriage used to be a requirement for a certain level of contentment, especially for women, but that now people are just as happy without it. No wonder the marriage rate has gone down and that people are getting married at a later age and often after living together for a while.

If you want to read the study, you can find it online in the Journal of Family Psychology.

Superwoman at work and home

The Pew Research Center has come out with more interesting statistics on how many families now have two working parents, who the highest earner usually is (him or her), and who handles the greater load of responsibility for children and the running of the household.

According to the study, conducted from September 15th through October 13th, 2015, in two-parent families, parenting and household chores are shared more equally when both parents work full time, as opposed to when Mom is employed part time or unemployed. However, even when both parents work full time outside the home, women handle the greater share at home.

The study’s 1,807 participants revealed that only 26% of the women are presently stay at home Moms, which is a big drop from 40 years ago. Their medium household income is much higher, yet finding a way to balance work and home life continues to present a significant challenge the couples report.

What is most interesting is the discrepancy between how men and women scored the division of labor in their homes. Both groups of Moms, those who were employed and those who weren’t—reported that they did more on every item listed in the survey than their spouses (64% report they do more). Men on the other hand reported across the board that they handle a greater share than what their wives have said. 31% or Moms say the work is shared equally, 41% of Dads say that they do half.

They are in closer agreement on who focuses more on their work—the majority are in agreement that men do. It should be noted that whether the Mom works part time, full time, or is a stay at home parent, He usually earns more—which may be why his work is (needs to be?) a primary focus for him.

Given the statistics, women report more stress when trying to find a balance between work and home. In addition it would make sense that if they are more focused on home that this would be their priority and where their heart is. For dads, it is also a priority, but it seems they often leave the home/child worry to their spouses.

Another interesting statistic is how those with a college education differ from those without one. For both women and men, there is a 20+% difference in how much they struggle with this balance, with the college educated finding it much harder. White parents are also more likely to cite balance as a problem over non-whites. There were also differences between those who report enjoying parenthood and those who don’t enjoy it as much. Of course, the stress that comes from the work/home juggling act is a factor and when it is not felt as strongly, parents report more enjoyment in that role. THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR EVERYONE TO TAKE NOTE OF.

The study also goes on to offer data on how parenting impacts career goals—and there is a lot of breakdown on male VS female perceptions about how well they share responsibility and prioritize their home life and children. Since these issues are what many marital therapists like I are frequently confronted with—this study could provide useful insights to both struggling couples and those who are tasked with helping them. Click here to go to the study

Is your unhappy marriage stuck in cruise control?

The present divorce rate is around 49%, and it’s older folks in long-term marriages who are the ones most often calling it quits. Financial concerns, concerns about the welfare of the children, and a desire for continued stability are all reasons people give for not addressing marital problems sooner rather than later. It seems that there is a belief that airing issues will lead to separation and/or divorce and that folks find it is a better choice to suffer in silence. It almost feels like an either or situation in which they either suffer in silence or take the leap into ending the relationship. But aren’t there other options in between and if so, why aren’t people choosing them.

Counseling is the most recommended resource when a marriage is in trouble. For some couples, the cost is too high in terms of dollars and/or time. They don’t have the insurance to cover it, they can’t take time off from work without consequences, and/or they can’t afford child care when they have to go to counseling. It’s also common for one person to want to go and for the other to be resistant. There can be a fear that they will be blamed for the problems or that they will hear/learn things that are hurtful and threaten the status quo. Some folks have no real confidence in counseling and consider it a waste of time. Perhaps they had a bad experience in the past, which just reinforces the notion that it won’t help and could make things worse.

However if problems are ignored they won’t go away—they will only get worse. So what can a couple do? There is a model of brief counseling that can help. It was developed by Drs. Fischer and Hardy of The Family Institute at Northwestern University. Actually a number of therapists have been doing something like this for quite a while, but too many others do not. Fischer and Hardy’s approach is structured to help couples who are “on the brink,” to decide whether to divorce or work on their marriage.

They are given three paths to choose from:

  • Status quo—no therapy and no change
    • Separation or divorce
    • Commitment to six months of couples therapy with divorce off the table for that time

The goal is to help couples get clarity and to give them clear options. I like the set time limit as people will take as much time as they are given and given a specific time, will come to a decision by the deadline. Without this, couples can go for years in an unhappy and even dysfunctional relationship, believing they have no other option but to endure until they can get out. By that time, there is no hope of saving the relationship. The human cost is high and the cost to children can be the greatest. Divorce should be the last resort—and with real choices open to them, I believe more couples would take the reconciliation route.

Is your marriage in trouble? Try gratitude

The University of Georgia has come out with a new study that found that expressing gratitude and appreciation for one’s spouse directly influences how they feel about the marriage, their level of commitment to it, and its chance of long term success. This really isn’t surprising to me, nor should it be to anyone who provides relationship counseling and coaching to couples.

Our culture puts a great deal of focus on having good sex, financial security and means, sharing the same goals, and/or attention to physical attractiveness. While these all factor in, they won’t keep a relationship and marriage strong without gratitude and appreciation. Think about it, what would matter more to you—your partner being happy because of your sexual performance the night before, or them telling you how much they appreciate how you care about them, handle a certain responsibility, or add quality and goodness to your shared life?

The study published in the Journal Personal Relationships used a telephone survey to ask 486 married individuals questions about communication, financial well-being, and expressions of gratitude from their partners. Their answers pointed to the top importance of gratitude and its role in keeping their marriage happy. The lead author, Allen Burton, is quoted as saying” It goes to show the power of ‘thank you.’”

The study found that the more gratitude was expressed, the less divorce prone a partner would become, no matter the other challenges. Even when couples are in conflict and there is emotional withdrawal, if gratitude is expressed it helps to counteract the damage of the conflict.

This is very important as it offers specific guidance to couples and professionals that work with them on the help that gratitude can bring to a struggling and shaky marriage. Stress is inevitable and all marriages face difficult challenges at some point. Being able to point to a specific tool that can help insulate them from the fall out and keep them invested in working on solutions could be a real game changer.

If your marriage is going through a bad time, consider using gratitude and starting today, right now, this moment. What have you got to lose except your marriage?

What are your relationship deal breakers?

Everyone has relationship deal breakers, even though they may not have consciously identified them. They are those things you just can’t live with or without in your future partner or relationship. Not surprisingly, it has been found that there is actually a list of common deal breakers, and that they have a similar significance across the board and by gender.

Last month six studies were published online in the Personal and Social Psychology Bulletin. They were conducted by researchers from Western Sydney University, the University of Florida, Indiana University, Rutgers University, and Singapore Management University. They found that people put more importance on what is wrong with a potential partner than what is right or working in the relationship.

Not surprisingly women have more deal breakers than men, probably because they have more to lose if the relationship doesn’t work. They are the ones who bear the children and end up being the primary caretakers and having a supportive and strong spouse is important to successful child rearing.

It’s also not surprising that those who have higher self-esteem and confidence are more selective. They place a high value on what they have to offer and expect the same in return. So, that picky friend of yours is holding out because they really are looking for someone they think is their equal and worthy of them.

Relationship deal-breakers also matter more when someone is considering marriage than when they are just having a good time with someone. Wonder why your friend dates that guy or girl when they could do better/ maybe it’s because they are in it for short-term fun and have no intention of going any further. Wonder why your boyfriend avoids the topic of marriage? Maybe it’s because he sees this relationship as meeting his needs now, but can’t see you as a long-term partner.

There were similarities between the sexes in what they considered their top deal breakers. The #1 spot was held by unclean followed by lazy. Yep, these two would be very hard to accept or live with. Sense of humor is high on the list as well. This really speaks to the importance of “intellectual” compatibility. If we don’t see humor in the same things, our ability to relate that way may be very incompatible—and this often ends up being discussed as a big issue in marital counseling.

Really not surprising is that men rated “low sex drive” as a major deal breaker, while women said that “bad sex” is their deal breaker. In other words, he’s happy if they have a lot of sex and she is not happy unless it’s good sex and leaves her satisfied as well. If men could truly understand this they would work harder at being better lovers, and then they would get more sex. Again, this is a common topic in counseling.

Anger issues came up as important for both sexes, along with bad habits like smoking and drinking excessively. Men also talked about women being too talkative, but for women this was not really an issue—didn’t need a study to know this one would be there. For women, men who can’t communicate came up over and over again.

Having pets or not having pets made a few of the lists—this one really speaks to values. If someone doesn’t like animals or considers them a nuisance, what does that say about their ability to nurture and parent? For those who find animals messy and troublesome, lifestyle differences could be a real deal breaker when the other can’t imagine a home without them.

The bottom line—know your deal breakers- what you can’t live with and must have in a future partner and relationship. Everything else is negotiable.

A popular trend—gray divorce

The NY Times has an interesting piece out on the increase in divorce among older, long married couples. Abby Ellin shares some interesting statistics and the feelings and experiences of a number of women who left their less than satisfying marriages and dove into the frightening unknown because they wanted more and knew the clock was ticking.

Divorce for long married, older couples is on the rise. In 2014, those 50 and older were twice as likely to divorce as that age group was in 1990. And for those over 65, the increase was even higher. Yet divorce among younger couples has actually dropped or remained the same over the same period of time.

Many theories are being floated as to why this is occurring. Second marriages are twice as likely to fail as first marriages and many older couples are in a second or third marriage. Another theory is that life expectancy is a factor—people used to die earlier and didn’t look forward to a new life at an older age. Now they do and if their marriage is stale or no longer meeting their needs, they think about what else might be out there and reflect on the need to pursue it since time is passing. The stigma of divorce is also largely gone, and in the past this often kept couples together long past the “happy” expiration date of their unions.

What may be surprising to some, but if we think about it, not really—is that women are the ones most likely to initiate these later in life divorces. They are the burned out caretakers who very likely put their own dreams on hold to support those of their spouse and to raise children. They don’t want to be caretakers to their aging husbands who may not be in as good shape, have fewer interests and/or be retired and sedentary. Their spouse can feel like a ball and chain as opposed to being a partner they can move forward into new adventures with. Because many women have careers and money of their own, they are not financially dependent, which used to be their primary reason for staying.

With the kids out on their own, even if not happy with their parents splitting up—these women are going for it while they still can. Though it means taking a risk, many women are more comfortable with this than men. They may give up some financial security, but feel the trade-off is worth it. For many, their standard of living goes down, for some even below the poverty line–yet they still take this step into the unknown. But many do work and therefore have their own income and a means to support their new life.

The retirement of spouses also plays heavily into rising divorce rates. When men are suddenly home all day, the dynamics of the relationship change—and what wasn’t good in their relationship is suddenly exposed and highlighted 24/7, with no distractions or escape for women. They decide the risks are worth it as they make the decision to leap into the unknown and to see what is out there as they search for greater meaning and personal happiness.

The benefits of being truly happily married

Most people probably believe that a good marriage is good for us—physically, mentally, and emotionally. It just makes sense that if our primary relationship is good, it will enhance our life and help us ward off loneliness and the anxiety that can come when feeling all alone. Not to mention all the perks that having one’s own family can bring.

Now we have data to back this up. A study was recently released on the positive effects of happy marriage. It was conducted by Wendy Birmingham, PhD from Brigham Young University and published in the Annals of Behavioral Medicine. 94 couples were asked questions about their spouse’s behavior and interpersonal functioning, and placed into categories of “genuinely happy,” and “ambivalent,” which had a wide range of satisfaction. One quarter were happy, the other three quarters fell into the ambivalent category. A number of these had positive things to say about their spouses, but felt they could be unsupportive and negative.

What was most interesting about this study is that only the respondents who were genuinely happy possessed the benefits of better health and longevity. Those in the ambivalent group, even the ones who said many positive things about their spouse—didn’t demonstrate the same benefits as the happy group. Clearly this points to the importance of being in a truly happy marriage—one in which one’s spouse is perceived as supportive and positive. Note these two elements—this study is basically pointing to them as key to happiness in marriage—as opposed to having great wealth, successful careers, perfect kids, etc. Feeling validated makes all the difference.

In both groups the level of commitment was strong, and respondents reported no desire to leave their marriages. It was the quality of the relationships and how they impacted the well-being of the individuals that was very telling. Their blood pressure was measured regularly, and happy couples had lower rates. In all cases, the couples lived alone with no children or other extended family. Their ages ranged from 18-62, with an average age of 29.

This study also reinforces the usefulness of marital counseling, where we often work on enhancing communication and offering more support, validation and appreciation to one another. These make up the glue of happy marriages and if a couple is struggling with negativity—there is hope through counseling which can help them to make changes in how they relate to and support one another.

Knowing they are the one takes time

A new survey has shown that when people are focused on finding an instant romantic connection, they can miss out on real love. Writer Nicola Hughes tackles this topic as she paints a picture of herself making a connection on Tinder, then heading out to meet this new guy who she is already envisioning as “the one.” She has yet to come face to face with him and is already impatient to get to the good part.

Then when she is confronted with the real guy, the let down and sense of disappointment begins to creep in. She contemplates this and has a light bulb moment as she realizes that she has been going about dating the wrong way. She knows this because it has not worked for her.

With this epiphany in mind, she thinks back to the way she has always made friends, which is slowly. She recalls that she has never really clicked with anyone at first, and often doesn’t even like the person very much—until she has had more time to spend with them and get to know them. Then, this person who made a negative first impression has become a favorite friend. In other words, our impressions of people can change a lot once we get to know them.

Ms. Hughes’s takeaway is that if this works for making friends, maybe it would be a much more successful way to approach dating. The result is her “Dating Manifesto,” where instant impressions are out, opportunities to make male friends who could grow to be more are in.

If your dating life isn’t working out as you have hoped, you may want to give this a try. Check it out

Tis the season for getting engaged and breaking up

According to data gathered from Facebook users a few years back, August through October are the safest times to be in a relationship. By this, I mean that there are fewer break-ups during these months that the rest of the year. This data also showed that the greatest number of break-ups occur very close to Christmas—often between Thanksgiving and the other major winter holidays, or immediately following the safe months. Therefore it is especially interesting that theknot.com, a site for those getting engaged, has found that December ranks #1 for couples getting engaged.

So what all this data comes down to is that people either say “I’m out of here,” during the holidays, or they decide that this is “the one” and take a big step towards commitment. Therefore, even though these statistics may appear to be confusing or contradictory on the surface, if you look at what is behind them, they make perfect sense. The holidays are a time that we examine our relationships and perhaps because it is such a family-centered time of year—it pushes us to look at our relationships and assess if they are right for us and are a good fit for where we see ourselves years from now.

Along with all the family focus during these holidays are traditions, memories from childhood, and special gift-giving. We are surrounded by other couples and families and want to be connected to them and to share in all that family offers. If our relationship isn’t a good fit, it will be harder to ignore or gloss over during family gatherings and when surrounded by those who are getting engaged and talking about all they mean to one another and their hopes and dreams for a shared future life.

When hanging out on an August beach, getting back to real life after summer’s end, or just enjoying those more carefree days of summer and early fall—reality can take a back seat to fun and convenience. Not so when Thanksgiving arrives.

Reinforcing this argument is another break-up statistic—Valentine’s Day is also break-up day for many. Why is this? When the spotlight is on this day, all the hype, happy lovers, promises of forever, hearts, flowers, and romance either feel very right or very wrong. When it is the latter, people break-up, hoping that they will then be able to find and experience what all those happy lovers around them seem to have found.