Tag: nonverbal communication

Want to be heard? Speak with your body

I have been talking about the importance of nonverbal communication in relationships for a long time. Now there is more proof of how important this is if you want to hear and be heard correctly.

In a study that was recently published in Frontiers in Psychology; robot avatars who were programmed to talk with their hands were as easy to understand as humans delivering the same messages. Researchers Paul Bremner and Ulte Leonards combined classic hand gestures with speech (multi-modal) to see how well the robots could be understood. Then they compared the robot’s communication with that voiced by human subjects to see if there was any significant difference between the two, and found that there was not.

First the actors were recorded as they gestured and spoke their lines. Then the avatars used these recordings and mimicked the exact gestures and a comparison was made. Even though avatars don’t have the same exact shape or flexibility in their hands and arms, their gestures were still as effective.

What these researchers found is that when movement is combined with voice, communication is more effective, even if the speaker is a robot. Think about how this translates to dating and relationship communication. By learning to use gestures, pauses, eye and facial movements, and body posture to convey our messages; we can greatly increase our chances of being heard and delivering the intended message.

For anyone who struggles with feeling misunderstood, who has difficulty connecting with others, and/or who experiences a lot of frustration during first meetings and too often leaves the wrong impression—try turning your attention to everything you don’t say with words, but say with your body. This is what others are paying attention to—whether they or you are aware of it or not.

The universal “not face” expression

If you have little experience with using body language to enhance your communications, here is a new study that reinforces its importance. Researchers at Ohio State University have identified a universal facial expression that expresses negative emotion. It is used in an identical way by speakers of English, Spanish, Mandarin Chinese, and American Sign Language (ASL)—this last one being even more significant. The “Not Face” consists of a furrowed brow, pressed lips, and raised chin—and in the study it always accompanied negative verbalizations by its wearer.

The not face is expressed as though by instinct, and at the same frequency as the negative words that accompany it. For ASL speakers, the not face may be used even when the word not is left out—in other words, it conveys the meaning without the word.

The study suggests a link between language and facial expressions. So if you think the emphasis on nonverbal communication is just a silly fad, think again. The researchers suggest that it is a combination of three basic universal expressions that indicate anger, disgust, and contempt. The study also hypothesizes that the ability to communicate danger or aggression was important to survival long before language was developed. This helps to explain why the expression is a negative one.

The study was developed as part of ongoing research into the development of language, but can offer us useful information about how we use our body to express ourselves and that it is likely it was the only mode of expression long ago. Therefore it’s basically coded in our DNA, and exists mostly on an unconscious level. But think of what a powerful tool it can be when you use it consciously and consistently in your relationships with others.

Does your tone of voice predict marital bliss or divorce?

An interdisciplinary team comprised of researchers from USC Viterbi School of Engineering and the University of Utah developed an algorithm that can predict (with a 79% accuracy) a couple’s future marital success based on the tone of voice that partners use with one another. Apparently the accuracy rate of this algorithm is better than that of marital therapists who worked with these couples.

Over one hundred couples were recorded for over two years during therapy sessions—and then their marital status was tracked for five years more. With a focus on acoustic features that included pitch, intensity, shimmer and jitter; the algorithm was able to detect and interpret the nature and level of emotion contained in their speech. Then a prediction was made based on the level and consistency of positive or negative emotion that was detected.

Once the algorithm was fine-tuned, it was measured against the analysis made by therapists who had coded the couples for positive or negative qualities. What the researchers found was that using only the voice input resulted in higher accuracy in predicting future marital success or failure.

What this research clearly underscores is what many nonverbal communication experts have been saying for a long time—“it’s not what you say, but how you say it.” Not only does tone of voice convey the strongest message, it also has the greatest impact on the person receiving the message. This research showed an impact on the emotional state of both partners, and how it changed over time, depending on the primary tone of voice that each used across therapy sessions.

This is exciting stuff because now we have a new tool that can be used to better help couples who come in for counseling due to serious relationship issues. We can not only more accurately assess their relationship potential on the first session, we can evaluate if the counseling is working based on tone of voice over time. As a therapist I also think we can coach people to be mindful of HOW they speak to one another in order to help keep the lines of communication open, and facilitate an environment of greater trust and respect. Many of us do this already, but putting more focus on HOW people communicate can produce more accurate feedback, while helping the couple to feel more hopeful, positive and invested in the process.

So remember, it’s everything you don’t say that can speak the loudest. Want to know more? You can read more on this research at

Bad posture can ruin your dating life and impact your relationships

Our Smartphones have become essential tools for not only communicating with others but for organizing our lives, managing our work and personal schedules, storing data, shopping, finding our way around, and accessing all kinds of information—all with a few easy clicks and swipes. What did we do before we had them?

We managed with payphones, our telephone and address books, appointment calendars, filing systems, libraries, and yes, our feet. Life was slower, we had real-time, face-to-face interactions with others, we were inconvenienced, we had to plan ahead, and many of us got hopelessly lost sometimes. But we were more active and apparently our posture was a lot better.

According to the New Zealand physiotherapist, Steve August, we are suffering from the iHunch, also referred to as iPosture and itext neck. This condition happens over time and is the result of bending our necks forward 60 degrees as we use our phones. The resulting stress from the weight this places on our spines forms a stoop or hump on our upper backs. This used to be much more common in the elderly, but now is happening more and more in the young. Just writing this is leading me to sit with a very erect posture and to hold my head as straight as possible as I type.

In addition, the consequences go beyond just the physical—as if that weren’t bad enough. Depressed people slouch in much the same way. So do folks with low self-esteem and/or a problem with assertiveness and confidence. A study published earlier this year in Health Psychology found that when subjects in their study were told to slouch during mock job interviews it led to lowered self-esteem, greater fear, and increased negativity—even when these slouchers had no history of these issues. The researchers concluded that “sitting upright may be a simple behavioral strategy to help build resilience to stress.”

Another study found that slouching can affect memory, where the slouchers had better memory recall for negative VS positive information. Most of us have heard the term “selective memory or hearing,” where people seem to only recall certain things that were said to them or that occurred. It’s not a leap to consider how their posture might be contributing to this. Another study showed more productivity among those who sat upright VS the slouchers. Do you ever struggle with finishing a memo, letter, or work project? Consider trying a different and more upright posture and see if this helps you to think more clearly and be more productive. The smaller the device, the greater the slouch, so that is also something to consider.

Now what does all this have to do with relationships? In fact, everything. What you communicate nonverbally to those you interact with at work, on the street, at social and other non-related work events, and with those you are close to—all impacts how they see you and the quality of the relationship you have with them.

Think about it, if you are out at a club and an attractive stranger looks your way and sees someone who is communicating low self-esteem and a negative attitude—do you think that person will have an interest in getting to know you? What about in your work relationships? How might a co-worker relate to you if they see you as negative, timid and unproductive VS positive, assertive and confident? This is also important with family, friends and in intimate relationships. Everyone wants to be around people who lift them up, who come across and confident, strong and at ease. If you ever wonder what you may be doing wrong that leads to confusing and/or disappointing interactions with others—consider your posture. It’s a great place to start.