Tag: Elizabeth Bernstein

A round-up of last year’s best relationship advice

Elizabeth Bernstein of the Wall Street Journal did a great piece in her Bonds column last week on “The Year’s Best Relationship Advice.” She includes a selection of great advice from non-experts who have someone gotten it really right in their own relationships. They have shared this with her through the thousands of letters she gets from readers—and the ones featured really stuck out for Ms. Bernstein.

The first one is about breathing deeply and listening—yes, I said breathing and listening. Nothing special or complicated—just breathing and listening while you partner speaks—especially if what they are saying has the potential to make you defensive or angry. No interruptions, comments, smirks or other conversation killers. Simple, right?

Another is to jump to a positive assumption/conclusion, rather than a negative one. How often we assume the worst, based on either past experience or just our own defenses working against us? When you assume something positive it keeps you in a calm and open state—and very often it turns out that jumping to a negative conclusion would have been incorrect and would have taken away from the good will and trust in your relationship. If it turns out that assuming the best was incorrectly, you can shift gears and address the problem—in a better and more productive state of mind.

A third suggestion is that you spoil one another. You know, do nice things for one another just because. This reader said that it’s important not to draw attention to any helpful deed or kind gesture, as that would take away from it because it would make it about you, the doer, instead of just because.

A fourth idea that I especially like is to be easy to love. Now you may be thinking that you already are and what does that mean… Think about it, do you make an issue of things you could just let go? Do you jump to criticism because your partner doesn’t do things just the way you would like and you assume he or she does this on purpose? Maybe their love language is very different and you could try to learn to speak it, while gently demonstrating what rocks your world and how to do it. Be a low maintenance partner—this will make you so much easier to love and appreciate.

Lastly is the suggestion that you prioritize and have a f_ _ _ it bucket. Do you really have to get upset or agitated over the little stuff? What about saying f _ _ _ it and moving on? This is definitely a “pick your battles” kind of thing and it makes great sense—especially in relationships. Who wants to be around someone who reacts to everything as though it all has the same weight and importance? Geez, exhausting to be sure.

Great stuff to think about as you consider your relationship resolutions for 2018.

The problem with adult friendship

Elizabeth Bernstein, Bonds columnist for the Wall Street Journal, just came out with a great piece on why making friends is harder for adults. Many readers will be able to relate as we have all lost some childhood friends, college friends, and single friends to time, graduation, moving, and/or marriage and children. Essentially, the shared life experiences that brought us together change, and too often, friendships fade away.

There are also the friendships that die when one person goes through a life crisis that a friend can’t or won’t deal with. There are the friends who become the toxic friends, due to many different circumstances—these are the ones you can agonize over saying good-bye to, but feel it is for the best. Then there are just those you lose touch with, slowly, over time.

The problem is that making new friends becomes harder as we age, due to the demands of work and family and less time and energy to connect to others and invest in growing relationships with them. Most “friendships” in our adult years happen because of proximity and shared needs and interests—think Mom cliques, co-workers, neighbors, spouse’s friends and their significant others, etc. We might not choose them in quite the same way as we chose friends in childhood, but proximity and repeated exposure were important factors even then.

Therefore for anyone who is having trouble meeting new friends (which is just about everyone) think proximity and convenience. Who lives/works/recreates where you do? What about your neighbors? Are there people who attend your place of worship that you find interesting and would like to get to know better? How often do you get to spend time with the parents of your kids’ friends? There must be some you would choose to spend time with sans kids.

If you are single, what about your passions and leisure pursuits? Where do you go for fun? Do you belong to any organizations or volunteer anywhere? What about co-workers and acquaintances who may also be single and looking for a friend to do things with?

The point that Elizabeth makes is that this is a challenge for everyone—not just you. Therefore there must be people you encounter regularly who would be open to having a new friend. Be open, approachable—and willing to approach someone else. A good friend is a wonderful thing to have.

How is your spouse performing?

Elizabeth Bernstein, Bonds columnist for the Wall Street Journal, wrote a great piece the other day on the usefulness of marital performance reviews. Most of us are familiar with performance reviews done by supervisors at work, but the idea of doing these at home is a fairly novel concept for most people.

The way we usually handle this kind of feedback to our partner is through catch is as catch can comments and asides, where we offer a word of thanks or praise, mutter a complaint, or throw out a “you always or you never” with a scowl. This usually results in a partner making a mental note to get back to that when time allows. If it ever does. This way of offering feedback is a little like taking something out of context—we only get part of the story or we get the whole thing completely wrong. Not a very useful way to communicate about how “we” as a couple are doing, is it?

Enter the “Marriage Performance Review.” This is when couples sit down together REGULARLY (and hopefully, without distractions) and identify issues and problems in order to tackle them before they grow into something destructive, and/or that takes on a life of its own. According to a study published in 2014 in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, researchers found that couples who performed regular “marital check-ups” saw significant improvements in their relationship satisfaction, sense of acceptance from their partner, intimacy—and suffered fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety.

The key is doing these is that couples stick with behavior and avoid personal attacks. It’s also important that they acknowledge their partner’s feeling and views of the problem, be clear in what they are asking for, and consistent in both their communication and follow-up.

If a couple commits to doing this to the best of their ability and it doesn’t help, counseling would be the next best step for them to take.