Tag: Wall Street Journal

A round-up of last year’s best relationship advice

Elizabeth Bernstein of the Wall Street Journal did a great piece in her Bonds column last week on “The Year’s Best Relationship Advice.” She includes a selection of great advice from non-experts who have someone gotten it really right in their own relationships. They have shared this with her through the thousands of letters she gets from readers—and the ones featured really stuck out for Ms. Bernstein.

The first one is about breathing deeply and listening—yes, I said breathing and listening. Nothing special or complicated—just breathing and listening while you partner speaks—especially if what they are saying has the potential to make you defensive or angry. No interruptions, comments, smirks or other conversation killers. Simple, right?

Another is to jump to a positive assumption/conclusion, rather than a negative one. How often we assume the worst, based on either past experience or just our own defenses working against us? When you assume something positive it keeps you in a calm and open state—and very often it turns out that jumping to a negative conclusion would have been incorrect and would have taken away from the good will and trust in your relationship. If it turns out that assuming the best was incorrectly, you can shift gears and address the problem—in a better and more productive state of mind.

A third suggestion is that you spoil one another. You know, do nice things for one another just because. This reader said that it’s important not to draw attention to any helpful deed or kind gesture, as that would take away from it because it would make it about you, the doer, instead of just because.

A fourth idea that I especially like is to be easy to love. Now you may be thinking that you already are and what does that mean… Think about it, do you make an issue of things you could just let go? Do you jump to criticism because your partner doesn’t do things just the way you would like and you assume he or she does this on purpose? Maybe their love language is very different and you could try to learn to speak it, while gently demonstrating what rocks your world and how to do it. Be a low maintenance partner—this will make you so much easier to love and appreciate.

Lastly is the suggestion that you prioritize and have a f_ _ _ it bucket. Do you really have to get upset or agitated over the little stuff? What about saying f _ _ _ it and moving on? This is definitely a “pick your battles” kind of thing and it makes great sense—especially in relationships. Who wants to be around someone who reacts to everything as though it all has the same weight and importance? Geez, exhausting to be sure.

Great stuff to think about as you consider your relationship resolutions for 2018.

First dates and the “fake wallet reach”

The Wall street Journal had an interesting piece by Khadeeja Safdar about how paying for first dates has evolved over time due to online dating and changing gender roles. In a nutshell, forget about chivalry. What is chivalry, you ask?

In the old days (not too long ago), when the check arrived women would reach into their purse as though they were going for their wallet—expecting the guy to say, I will get it.” This ritual went on everywhere, and everyone knew what was going on and what was expected from whom. No more. Now men “forget” their wallet,” or ask her to split the check 50-50, with some regularity. Women know that if they do the reach, they may end up footing the whole bill for a meal he happily consumed much of.

Online dating and especially dating apps have led to many more first dates—or really more like encounters. People swipe right, pick a nearby place to meet, and conduct a short interview. What I recommend to clients is to go for coffee, or any quick, easy beverage. No this doesn’t mean drinks as they can be costly. If the brief interview goes well, you can always suggest or agree to dinner—then the check splitting will be an issue. Because so many app “dates” are over fast and don’t result in a second date, this is the way to go.

But what about those who meet online or at a party, bar, through a friend? How should they handle this? Being old school, I think the man should always offer the first time. She should offer to at least leave the tip. If all goes well, she will have plenty of dinners to pick up the check for later on.

Another way this could be decided is that whoever does the asking and picks the venue pays. After all if she asks and picks a very expensive restaurant, should he be expected to foot the bill when he might have chosen something within his budget instead? There is definitely wiggle room for the old-schoolers on that one.

This ritual could also be a good way of measuring your compatibility and even your values. If a woman is looking for an old school guy or someone who is interested in a long term relationship with more clearly defined and traditional roles—this first date ritual will give her a lot of information to help her decide on going for a second date or not. The same is true in reverse for the guy. If he is looking for a career woman who will be a co bread winner, he may want to only consider the women who offer and want to pick up their half, right from the start.

One important caveat here guys. Equality is equality. Don’t expect ANYTHING in return—which you should not regardless. Specifically I mean, even a kiss at the end of the date or an offer to come back to your place or hers needs to be gentle and slow, and if not eagerly responded to, backed away from. If you want an assertive co-partner, expect her to be on all fronts. If you want someone more traditional, you may be the one who is expected to take the lead in many or most areas. Either is fine when it is what you both are looking for.

The problem with adult friendship

Elizabeth Bernstein, Bonds columnist for the Wall Street Journal, just came out with a great piece on why making friends is harder for adults. Many readers will be able to relate as we have all lost some childhood friends, college friends, and single friends to time, graduation, moving, and/or marriage and children. Essentially, the shared life experiences that brought us together change, and too often, friendships fade away.

There are also the friendships that die when one person goes through a life crisis that a friend can’t or won’t deal with. There are the friends who become the toxic friends, due to many different circumstances—these are the ones you can agonize over saying good-bye to, but feel it is for the best. Then there are just those you lose touch with, slowly, over time.

The problem is that making new friends becomes harder as we age, due to the demands of work and family and less time and energy to connect to others and invest in growing relationships with them. Most “friendships” in our adult years happen because of proximity and shared needs and interests—think Mom cliques, co-workers, neighbors, spouse’s friends and their significant others, etc. We might not choose them in quite the same way as we chose friends in childhood, but proximity and repeated exposure were important factors even then.

Therefore for anyone who is having trouble meeting new friends (which is just about everyone) think proximity and convenience. Who lives/works/recreates where you do? What about your neighbors? Are there people who attend your place of worship that you find interesting and would like to get to know better? How often do you get to spend time with the parents of your kids’ friends? There must be some you would choose to spend time with sans kids.

If you are single, what about your passions and leisure pursuits? Where do you go for fun? Do you belong to any organizations or volunteer anywhere? What about co-workers and acquaintances who may also be single and looking for a friend to do things with?

The point that Elizabeth makes is that this is a challenge for everyone—not just you. Therefore there must be people you encounter regularly who would be open to having a new friend. Be open, approachable—and willing to approach someone else. A good friend is a wonderful thing to have.