You know the old saying that “opposites attract?” A new study has found that there is probably little if any truth to it. Researchers at Wellesley College and the University of Kansas found that people are drawn to others who are like-minded, not those who are different.
This study not only challenges some basic beliefs about attraction and relationship formation, it also points to something very important that all couples should be aware of before making a commitment. People can’t change each other over time—something that many couples find out the hard way.
The study findings, titled; Similarity in Relationships as Niche Construction: Choice, Stability, and Influence Within Dyads in a Free Choice Environment,” can be found in the current issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Apparently if like or love at first sight happens, it’s because we find something familiar in the other person, something we can relate to. If you think about it, most of us have always believed we choose friends this way—so how did the belief that opposites attract come into being? After all, seeing the world in a similar way and sharing experiences, goals, and world views is always a plus, right?
None of this says that we don’t influence one another, because we do. It also doesn’t mean that we don’t grow and change over time, especially in a committed relationship. What it does say is that we are fundamentally who we are and that if it is very different from a love interest, we are less likely to make a meaningful connection.
The study shows that people who are attracted to one another don’t seek similarity in a few areas—they are similar in many more ways than not, especially on things that matter the most to them. Just think about the current political climate—can you imagine a Trump supporter finding love with a Sanders person? You get the picture.
Of course, many people have close friends who are very different from them—however there must be something (or a few things) that they share and that connect them in meaningful ways. However they don’t and can’t change one another, they simply accept and respect their differences. Note to anyone out there who may be considering marriage and having thoughts of how great their partner could be/will be when they grow up, change their view on something, have a positive influence in their life, etc. You are kidding yourself—and this research highlights it. It’s easier to find someone who really gets you—and who shares your basic values, beliefs, and goals.