Roommates With benefits or More

Dear Dating Coach,

I put out an ad for a roommate and a nice, balanced guy answered it. When he came over to measure and check out the space, we actually had lunch and took my dog for a walk together, spending several hours getting to know each other. After he moved in two weeks ago, we began texting each other during the day and cooking/eating dinner together. I didn't think we were flirting, but the way he looked at me was intense, and I was feeling an attraction towards him. This past Friday we made plans to meet at a bar after he got off from work and I arrived early with a bunch of friends that I introduced him to. Unfortunately, I had a little too much to drink by the time the night was wrapping up, and he suggested I leave my car and he would drive us home. When we got back to the house we started kissing and one thing lead to another.

I woke up the next morning with him in my bed and we were cuddling. I wasn't nervous at all, it actually felt comfortable. I got up and went to the gym and then picked up coffee for him on my way back. When I walked into our house to hand him the coffee he said that he had actually made a cup for me. I thanked him and he asked me if I wanted to have dinner with him that night when he got off of work. He came home and sat on the couch with me and both of us talked about our days. He cooked dinner and we ate and watched TV all evening.

When it was time to go to bed, I asked him if he wanted to sleep in my room and we spent the night together again and woke up cuddling and kissing. I chalked the first hook up to being drunk but then when he asked me to dinner and we hooked up again completely sober--I wasn't sure what to think. I like him but I don't want to have any problems since we live together. I would really like your take on my situation. --Confused

Dear Confused--

It appears that at the very least, you have a roommate with benefits situation. I can imagine that you are a bit confused and maybe dizzy from the speed at which this "relationship" happened.

Fortunately or unfortunately, there are no real "rules" for how/why/when relationships begin/happen. They just do. I think the only real rule should be about following your gut, making conscious choices and not ignoring red flags, etc.

So, if you feel good about what is happening, are comfortable with the pace, with him, with how it all feels, it sounds OK to me. If anything gives you pause anywhere along the way--stop, listen and don't hesitate to step back and make changes as necessary. At some point, you two are going to need to talk about "us," but this doesn't have to be rushed. It will happen if you are both open (red flag if you are not), able to communicate (ditto), and feeling good about what is happening and the pace at which you are moving forward.

(from December 2007)

Want to read other columns on this subject?

"The Vacation-less Relationship"
List of more
"Soul mates or Something else"

"Is It Real Interest Or Nostalgia?"


Toni Coleman, LCSW
Phone: 703-847-1768


Copyright 2008-2015 Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved.

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