Is it Religious Incompatibility or Something Else?

Dear Toni--

My question is about religious incompatibility. I have recently started dating a man who is Jewish. An intelligent, handsome, compassionate man that at age 35 wants to find a Jewish wife and have kids. I have no religious background, am older (45) and unable to have any children. He does not want me to fall in love with him. He likes me for a companion; his words are that he "really likes (me) a lot". The few dates we have been on have been passionate, playful, a good fit for me, and seem to be for him too. As of yet I am not in love with him but I see that I may fall hard for this one.

My question: Should I continue seeing him on his terms with the hope he may change his mind or should I move on? --Impossible Love

Dear Impossible Love--

My first response to your email is that this has little to do with religion and much to do with other issues. You are ten years older and cannot have children. He wants kids and a JEWISH wife. He told you upfront that he doesn't want you to fall in love with him.

Yet he asks you out and you accept because your times together are passionate, fun, and comfortable.

I think you need to begin with asking yourself what you are getting from this "relationship." You describe him as a nice, enjoyable guy, but what else is he offering you? If your answer is "I'm not looking for any long term, committed relationship," then this is the guy for you. However, if you are looking to fall in love and have a future with someone, think seriously about moving on.

Even though he enjoys being with you, etc., he appears to have no plan to take this further. He has been very clear about this. He may believe it is fine with you since you continue to see him. Therefore, he may not be aware that he is being unfair to you by expecting you to be with him and share physical intimacy, when it will lead nowhere. When the right Jewish woman comes along, he will be gone.

Again, decide WHAT you want from a relationship and make choices that are good for you and help lead you to what it is you desire from a relationship.

(from August 2004)

Want to read other columns on this subject?

"Nice Guy vs Bad Boy- What Does She Want?"
List of more
"Compatibility Issues"

"Are long Distance Relationships doomed from the start?"


Toni Coleman, LCSW
Phone: 703-847-1768


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