I'm Available, Attractive and Out There: What am I Doing Wrong?

Dear Toni--
I consider myself to be attractive, intelligent and sociable, but not too many males are drawn to me. Why is that? --Wallflower

Dear Wallflower--

Your question is very general and doesn't give me much real information about you. That's probably because you really don't have much insight into how others see you and what you communicate to men when you are out there trying to meet potential dates.

This then would be a good place to start. On the surface, you have the basics. You are attractive, intelligent, and make an effort to socialize. While these are great traits to possess, they are just the surface of who you are and tell only part of your story to others.

Begin by doing a self-evaluation of your other, more subtle features. These include:

* Your general attitude

* Your facial expressions and posture

* Your level of self-esteem

These things often play heavily into how you are perceived by the opposite (and your own) sex. Everyone is signaling and receiving according to the messages that come from this level.

You may not know where to begin. Start with friends or others you have a fair level of trust and comfort with. Ask them what their perceptions are of you in these three areas. Make sure you emphasize your desire for honest and candid feedback. Then make sure you handle their input graciously.

After you have collected some "data" on yourself, go out and practice flirting, greeting, and meeting skills. Remember to always be yourself, your best self. Everyone responds better to someone who is real and easy to be around.

Once you have a better understanding of the messages you are non-verbally broadcasting and make sure that they align with what you feel and who you truly are; you will attract compatible singles who are interested in the person they see before them.

(from October 2003)

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Toni Coleman, LCSW
Phone: 703-847-1768


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