Where Do You Meet Ms. Right?

Dear Toni--

I encounter a lot of single women at work, in clubs and at parties. They are usually with several of their friends, so approaching them can be difficult. They often appear aloof or uninterested in really meeting someone. They talk with their friends and seem unaware of the eye contact I try to make with them. If I approach them to speak, they are generally pleasant but again, I can't get a reading on how interested or available they may be. I'm hesitant, without some sort of signal, to ask for a number or a date. Where Do women go when they want to meet men? What signals do they give if interested? --Shy Guy

Dear Shy Guy--

Women go to clubs, parties, singles events, etc. to meet men. Yes, they often go with at least one female friend, as this is more comfortable for them. That appearance of "aloofness" may be directly related to a concern that they not seem too aggressive or too eager. Some women are also very cautious around men they don't know because of safety concerns. While this may seem somewhat ridiculous, it is true for many females. Their approach is generally coy and subtle. If interested, they may smile or glance in your direction, then wait for you to make the first move.

So make it. Make eye contact. Smile and say hi. Attempt to have an easy exchange of conversation with them. Then watch and listen for their response. Try not to jump to any conclusions before you have made that move, and she has had a chance to respond to it.

If the woman is not interested she will not continue the interaction. She will directly or indirectly communicate that she is not available or just not interested. Pay attention to the non-verbal messages she sends.

Give each situation a little effort and time. Don't let a fear of rejection keep you from connecting with women. Most importantly, if she isn't interested, handle it maturely and graciously. At the very least you will win respect, hers and yours.

(from April 2003)

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Toni Coleman, LCSW
Phone: 703-847-1768


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