Category: Uncategorized

Can you find Mr. /Ms. Right in church?

There has been a lot written about the importance of compatibility in relationships—similar values, goals, lifestyles, and even work ethic. Compatibility VS incompatibility in any of these can make or break a relationship, as too many couples find out after saying “I do.” Notice I didn’t specifically mention religion, race, or ethnic background—because honestly, though these can be deal breakers for some couples, it’s usually because their differences in one of these areas results in a clash in desired lifestyle, goals, and/or values. So where am I going with all this?

Today is Ash Wednesday, observed as the beginning of the Lenten season for Catholics, and a day of fasting and repentance for many Western Christians. Generally speaking it is not a day that those who are casually observant adhere strictly to. By this I mean attending mass or services, getting ashes and going to confession (Catholic), abstaining from meat—and/or making a decision to give something up for the duration of lent. Therefore, those that do are often the more observant among their peers.

If you are a single Christian/Catholic who will be at services today and throughout the Lenten season—you will be doing so with others much like yourself. Some will be much older, others younger, and still others married or in committed relationships. However, there will also be available singles—men and women who may be looking for that right person on dating sites, in clubs and bars, and through work and/or friends. But do they or you (really) look around at the other faithful when in church? Or would this feel inappropriate, and if so, why?

A number of years ago, when I was young and single, a guy actually tried to hit on me in the line for confession—you can’t make this stuff up folks. It made me uncomfortable because it was inappropriate to strike up a conversation, given where we were. I did my best to nicely shut him down and that was that—not my type. However I have reflected on that incident from time to time and have come to the conclusion that if he had attempted conversation after service or just outside church, I would have been open to talking to him, even though I may have still found him to be wrong for me.

What I am trying to say is that Church could be a great place to meet someone—especially if your congregation has other singles, evening masses, social gatherings after services, ministries you can join, etc. And if your religious beliefs are a big part of your life, and if you want marriage/kids with someone who shares your values—you can improve your odds by going to the special services (like Ash Wednesday, Stations of the Cross, etc.), and by paying attention to who else is there. Chances are you won’t be the only single adult in the group, and when you see others you can try to sit near them, exchange a glance/smile, and try to walk out next to or near them following services. Then, ask a question or share an observation and if they respond, you have made a connection. Depending on their response, you could talk a little longer, look for them to sit with the next time you are there, suggest you go over for coffee together after the service, etc.

Love could be just a church service away. What have you got to lose?

Do you zig when your partner zags?

The NY Times ran an interesting piece this past weekend on the Lark-Owl problem that many couples have. This is when one is a morning person and the other gets a second wind late at night and rises later—which leads to an incompatible sleep schedule.

For many couples, different sleep cycles mean they see less or little of one another, which can lead to a breakdown in communication and intimacy. However since sleep plays a major role in mental and physical health, it is hard for individuals to attempt changing their natural patterns and risk exhaustion/brain fog/illness for the sake of the relationship.

Approximately 60% of the population sleeps with someone else, and if their bed partner has a sleeping problem it usually impacts them and their relationship satisfaction. Research has shown that people sleep better when sleeping alone, probably because they have no one there to disturb their sleep or impact their sleep/rise schedule. However, people in general report they are less happy sleeping alone—so learning how to get adequate sleep when sleeping beside a partner who has a different sleep cycle should be a priority for everyone.

Whether you are a Lark or an Owl will depend largely on genetics, and less so on age and gender—that is, primarily what your parents and grandparents were and are. Each of us has a sleep chronotype, which is our internal timing that can vary up to 12 hours from our partner’s chronotype. These are like fingerprints, everyone is different and the possibilities are as numerous as the people with them.

We have a problem when our natural rhythm doesn’t line up with the demands of our personal and work lives. The result is “social jet lag,” which we can all relate to. We can adjust our internal clocks by staying in the light longer or turning lights off earlier. The author uses camping as an example. For anyone who has camping experience you know what it was like to be ready for sleep soon after dark and an early meal. Then when the sun rose, you found yourself awake and ready to get up and start the day. But for most people who work inside, often in front of a computer screen, sleep problems are common.

Recent research suggests that different sleep patterns don’t have to be a deal breaker and can in fact, be beneficial—allowing one partner to handle early times with children or both to have some alone time when the other is catching their zsssss.

Otherwise finding time when both are awake to connect can help keep the relationship strong and healthy. Couples who master this are often better problem solvers in general. What is NOT advised is to try and get your partner to change for you. If you pursue this solution, you will end up with a tired, irritable partner who is lacking in energy, unable to focus or be productive—and who blames you for their problems at work and in the relationship.

Does your tone of voice predict marital bliss or divorce?

An interdisciplinary team comprised of researchers from USC Viterbi School of Engineering and the University of Utah developed an algorithm that can predict (with a 79% accuracy) a couple’s future marital success based on the tone of voice that partners use with one another. Apparently the accuracy rate of this algorithm is better than that of marital therapists who worked with these couples.

Over one hundred couples were recorded for over two years during therapy sessions—and then their marital status was tracked for five years more. With a focus on acoustic features that included pitch, intensity, shimmer and jitter; the algorithm was able to detect and interpret the nature and level of emotion contained in their speech. Then a prediction was made based on the level and consistency of positive or negative emotion that was detected.

Once the algorithm was fine-tuned, it was measured against the analysis made by therapists who had coded the couples for positive or negative qualities. What the researchers found was that using only the voice input resulted in higher accuracy in predicting future marital success or failure.

What this research clearly underscores is what many nonverbal communication experts have been saying for a long time—“it’s not what you say, but how you say it.” Not only does tone of voice convey the strongest message, it also has the greatest impact on the person receiving the message. This research showed an impact on the emotional state of both partners, and how it changed over time, depending on the primary tone of voice that each used across therapy sessions.

This is exciting stuff because now we have a new tool that can be used to better help couples who come in for counseling due to serious relationship issues. We can not only more accurately assess their relationship potential on the first session, we can evaluate if the counseling is working based on tone of voice over time. As a therapist I also think we can coach people to be mindful of HOW they speak to one another in order to help keep the lines of communication open, and facilitate an environment of greater trust and respect. Many of us do this already, but putting more focus on HOW people communicate can produce more accurate feedback, while helping the couple to feel more hopeful, positive and invested in the process.

So remember, it’s everything you don’t say that can speak the loudest. Want to know more? You can read more on this research at

Bad posture can ruin your dating life and impact your relationships

Our Smartphones have become essential tools for not only communicating with others but for organizing our lives, managing our work and personal schedules, storing data, shopping, finding our way around, and accessing all kinds of information—all with a few easy clicks and swipes. What did we do before we had them?

We managed with payphones, our telephone and address books, appointment calendars, filing systems, libraries, and yes, our feet. Life was slower, we had real-time, face-to-face interactions with others, we were inconvenienced, we had to plan ahead, and many of us got hopelessly lost sometimes. But we were more active and apparently our posture was a lot better.

According to the New Zealand physiotherapist, Steve August, we are suffering from the iHunch, also referred to as iPosture and itext neck. This condition happens over time and is the result of bending our necks forward 60 degrees as we use our phones. The resulting stress from the weight this places on our spines forms a stoop or hump on our upper backs. This used to be much more common in the elderly, but now is happening more and more in the young. Just writing this is leading me to sit with a very erect posture and to hold my head as straight as possible as I type.

In addition, the consequences go beyond just the physical—as if that weren’t bad enough. Depressed people slouch in much the same way. So do folks with low self-esteem and/or a problem with assertiveness and confidence. A study published earlier this year in Health Psychology found that when subjects in their study were told to slouch during mock job interviews it led to lowered self-esteem, greater fear, and increased negativity—even when these slouchers had no history of these issues. The researchers concluded that “sitting upright may be a simple behavioral strategy to help build resilience to stress.”

Another study found that slouching can affect memory, where the slouchers had better memory recall for negative VS positive information. Most of us have heard the term “selective memory or hearing,” where people seem to only recall certain things that were said to them or that occurred. It’s not a leap to consider how their posture might be contributing to this. Another study showed more productivity among those who sat upright VS the slouchers. Do you ever struggle with finishing a memo, letter, or work project? Consider trying a different and more upright posture and see if this helps you to think more clearly and be more productive. The smaller the device, the greater the slouch, so that is also something to consider.

Now what does all this have to do with relationships? In fact, everything. What you communicate nonverbally to those you interact with at work, on the street, at social and other non-related work events, and with those you are close to—all impacts how they see you and the quality of the relationship you have with them.

Think about it, if you are out at a club and an attractive stranger looks your way and sees someone who is communicating low self-esteem and a negative attitude—do you think that person will have an interest in getting to know you? What about in your work relationships? How might a co-worker relate to you if they see you as negative, timid and unproductive VS positive, assertive and confident? This is also important with family, friends and in intimate relationships. Everyone wants to be around people who lift them up, who come across and confident, strong and at ease. If you ever wonder what you may be doing wrong that leads to confusing and/or disappointing interactions with others—consider your posture. It’s a great place to start.

Will you be happier if you marry rather than cohabitate?

Ohio State University used data that was collected in the 2000’s for a study that examined how living together VS getting married impacts an individual’s well-being, and it compared the differences between the impacts on men VS women. The conclusions were that young women, get as much benefit from moving in with a partner (in a first relationship) as they do from marriage. They also experienced the same decline in emotional distress from either cohabitation without marriage and marriage. Clearly moving into commitment with or without marriage improves a woman’s sense of security and increases her happiness.

Men on the other hand had a drop in emotional distress when they went directly to marriage, but not to a shared living arrangement (in their first committed relationship.) It is somewhat surprising that marriage causes less distress for a guy than moving in together does. Perhaps making the big decision and having this behind them has a calming influence on men but not on women.

However, once both sexes get to a second or subsequent relationship, the differences in their emotional returns from living together VS marrying are the same. Apparently guys feel better about living together as opposed to going right into marriage after they have some serious relationship experience under their belts.

It’s interesting that marriage used to be a requirement for a certain level of contentment, especially for women, but that now people are just as happy without it. No wonder the marriage rate has gone down and that people are getting married at a later age and often after living together for a while.

If you want to read the study, you can find it online in the Journal of Family Psychology.

Superwoman at work and home

The Pew Research Center has come out with more interesting statistics on how many families now have two working parents, who the highest earner usually is (him or her), and who handles the greater load of responsibility for children and the running of the household.

According to the study, conducted from September 15th through October 13th, 2015, in two-parent families, parenting and household chores are shared more equally when both parents work full time, as opposed to when Mom is employed part time or unemployed. However, even when both parents work full time outside the home, women handle the greater share at home.

The study’s 1,807 participants revealed that only 26% of the women are presently stay at home Moms, which is a big drop from 40 years ago. Their medium household income is much higher, yet finding a way to balance work and home life continues to present a significant challenge the couples report.

What is most interesting is the discrepancy between how men and women scored the division of labor in their homes. Both groups of Moms, those who were employed and those who weren’t—reported that they did more on every item listed in the survey than their spouses (64% report they do more). Men on the other hand reported across the board that they handle a greater share than what their wives have said. 31% or Moms say the work is shared equally, 41% of Dads say that they do half.

They are in closer agreement on who focuses more on their work—the majority are in agreement that men do. It should be noted that whether the Mom works part time, full time, or is a stay at home parent, He usually earns more—which may be why his work is (needs to be?) a primary focus for him.

Given the statistics, women report more stress when trying to find a balance between work and home. In addition it would make sense that if they are more focused on home that this would be their priority and where their heart is. For dads, it is also a priority, but it seems they often leave the home/child worry to their spouses.

Another interesting statistic is how those with a college education differ from those without one. For both women and men, there is a 20+% difference in how much they struggle with this balance, with the college educated finding it much harder. White parents are also more likely to cite balance as a problem over non-whites. There were also differences between those who report enjoying parenthood and those who don’t enjoy it as much. Of course, the stress that comes from the work/home juggling act is a factor and when it is not felt as strongly, parents report more enjoyment in that role. THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR EVERYONE TO TAKE NOTE OF.

The study also goes on to offer data on how parenting impacts career goals—and there is a lot of breakdown on male VS female perceptions about how well they share responsibility and prioritize their home life and children. Since these issues are what many marital therapists like I are frequently confronted with—this study could provide useful insights to both struggling couples and those who are tasked with helping them. Click here to go to the study

Is your unhappy marriage stuck in cruise control?

The present divorce rate is around 49%, and it’s older folks in long-term marriages who are the ones most often calling it quits. Financial concerns, concerns about the welfare of the children, and a desire for continued stability are all reasons people give for not addressing marital problems sooner rather than later. It seems that there is a belief that airing issues will lead to separation and/or divorce and that folks find it is a better choice to suffer in silence. It almost feels like an either or situation in which they either suffer in silence or take the leap into ending the relationship. But aren’t there other options in between and if so, why aren’t people choosing them.

Counseling is the most recommended resource when a marriage is in trouble. For some couples, the cost is too high in terms of dollars and/or time. They don’t have the insurance to cover it, they can’t take time off from work without consequences, and/or they can’t afford child care when they have to go to counseling. It’s also common for one person to want to go and for the other to be resistant. There can be a fear that they will be blamed for the problems or that they will hear/learn things that are hurtful and threaten the status quo. Some folks have no real confidence in counseling and consider it a waste of time. Perhaps they had a bad experience in the past, which just reinforces the notion that it won’t help and could make things worse.

However if problems are ignored they won’t go away—they will only get worse. So what can a couple do? There is a model of brief counseling that can help. It was developed by Drs. Fischer and Hardy of The Family Institute at Northwestern University. Actually a number of therapists have been doing something like this for quite a while, but too many others do not. Fischer and Hardy’s approach is structured to help couples who are “on the brink,” to decide whether to divorce or work on their marriage.

They are given three paths to choose from:

  • Status quo—no therapy and no change
    • Separation or divorce
    • Commitment to six months of couples therapy with divorce off the table for that time

The goal is to help couples get clarity and to give them clear options. I like the set time limit as people will take as much time as they are given and given a specific time, will come to a decision by the deadline. Without this, couples can go for years in an unhappy and even dysfunctional relationship, believing they have no other option but to endure until they can get out. By that time, there is no hope of saving the relationship. The human cost is high and the cost to children can be the greatest. Divorce should be the last resort—and with real choices open to them, I believe more couples would take the reconciliation route.

Is your marriage in trouble? Try gratitude

The University of Georgia has come out with a new study that found that expressing gratitude and appreciation for one’s spouse directly influences how they feel about the marriage, their level of commitment to it, and its chance of long term success. This really isn’t surprising to me, nor should it be to anyone who provides relationship counseling and coaching to couples.

Our culture puts a great deal of focus on having good sex, financial security and means, sharing the same goals, and/or attention to physical attractiveness. While these all factor in, they won’t keep a relationship and marriage strong without gratitude and appreciation. Think about it, what would matter more to you—your partner being happy because of your sexual performance the night before, or them telling you how much they appreciate how you care about them, handle a certain responsibility, or add quality and goodness to your shared life?

The study published in the Journal Personal Relationships used a telephone survey to ask 486 married individuals questions about communication, financial well-being, and expressions of gratitude from their partners. Their answers pointed to the top importance of gratitude and its role in keeping their marriage happy. The lead author, Allen Burton, is quoted as saying” It goes to show the power of ‘thank you.’”

The study found that the more gratitude was expressed, the less divorce prone a partner would become, no matter the other challenges. Even when couples are in conflict and there is emotional withdrawal, if gratitude is expressed it helps to counteract the damage of the conflict.

This is very important as it offers specific guidance to couples and professionals that work with them on the help that gratitude can bring to a struggling and shaky marriage. Stress is inevitable and all marriages face difficult challenges at some point. Being able to point to a specific tool that can help insulate them from the fall out and keep them invested in working on solutions could be a real game changer.

If your marriage is going through a bad time, consider using gratitude and starting today, right now, this moment. What have you got to lose except your marriage?

What are your relationship deal breakers?

Everyone has relationship deal breakers, even though they may not have consciously identified them. They are those things you just can’t live with or without in your future partner or relationship. Not surprisingly, it has been found that there is actually a list of common deal breakers, and that they have a similar significance across the board and by gender.

Last month six studies were published online in the Personal and Social Psychology Bulletin. They were conducted by researchers from Western Sydney University, the University of Florida, Indiana University, Rutgers University, and Singapore Management University. They found that people put more importance on what is wrong with a potential partner than what is right or working in the relationship.

Not surprisingly women have more deal breakers than men, probably because they have more to lose if the relationship doesn’t work. They are the ones who bear the children and end up being the primary caretakers and having a supportive and strong spouse is important to successful child rearing.

It’s also not surprising that those who have higher self-esteem and confidence are more selective. They place a high value on what they have to offer and expect the same in return. So, that picky friend of yours is holding out because they really are looking for someone they think is their equal and worthy of them.

Relationship deal-breakers also matter more when someone is considering marriage than when they are just having a good time with someone. Wonder why your friend dates that guy or girl when they could do better/ maybe it’s because they are in it for short-term fun and have no intention of going any further. Wonder why your boyfriend avoids the topic of marriage? Maybe it’s because he sees this relationship as meeting his needs now, but can’t see you as a long-term partner.

There were similarities between the sexes in what they considered their top deal breakers. The #1 spot was held by unclean followed by lazy. Yep, these two would be very hard to accept or live with. Sense of humor is high on the list as well. This really speaks to the importance of “intellectual” compatibility. If we don’t see humor in the same things, our ability to relate that way may be very incompatible—and this often ends up being discussed as a big issue in marital counseling.

Really not surprising is that men rated “low sex drive” as a major deal breaker, while women said that “bad sex” is their deal breaker. In other words, he’s happy if they have a lot of sex and she is not happy unless it’s good sex and leaves her satisfied as well. If men could truly understand this they would work harder at being better lovers, and then they would get more sex. Again, this is a common topic in counseling.

Anger issues came up as important for both sexes, along with bad habits like smoking and drinking excessively. Men also talked about women being too talkative, but for women this was not really an issue—didn’t need a study to know this one would be there. For women, men who can’t communicate came up over and over again.

Having pets or not having pets made a few of the lists—this one really speaks to values. If someone doesn’t like animals or considers them a nuisance, what does that say about their ability to nurture and parent? For those who find animals messy and troublesome, lifestyle differences could be a real deal breaker when the other can’t imagine a home without them.

The bottom line—know your deal breakers- what you can’t live with and must have in a future partner and relationship. Everything else is negotiable.

A popular trend—gray divorce

The NY Times has an interesting piece out on the increase in divorce among older, long married couples. Abby Ellin shares some interesting statistics and the feelings and experiences of a number of women who left their less than satisfying marriages and dove into the frightening unknown because they wanted more and knew the clock was ticking.

Divorce for long married, older couples is on the rise. In 2014, those 50 and older were twice as likely to divorce as that age group was in 1990. And for those over 65, the increase was even higher. Yet divorce among younger couples has actually dropped or remained the same over the same period of time.

Many theories are being floated as to why this is occurring. Second marriages are twice as likely to fail as first marriages and many older couples are in a second or third marriage. Another theory is that life expectancy is a factor—people used to die earlier and didn’t look forward to a new life at an older age. Now they do and if their marriage is stale or no longer meeting their needs, they think about what else might be out there and reflect on the need to pursue it since time is passing. The stigma of divorce is also largely gone, and in the past this often kept couples together long past the “happy” expiration date of their unions.

What may be surprising to some, but if we think about it, not really—is that women are the ones most likely to initiate these later in life divorces. They are the burned out caretakers who very likely put their own dreams on hold to support those of their spouse and to raise children. They don’t want to be caretakers to their aging husbands who may not be in as good shape, have fewer interests and/or be retired and sedentary. Their spouse can feel like a ball and chain as opposed to being a partner they can move forward into new adventures with. Because many women have careers and money of their own, they are not financially dependent, which used to be their primary reason for staying.

With the kids out on their own, even if not happy with their parents splitting up—these women are going for it while they still can. Though it means taking a risk, many women are more comfortable with this than men. They may give up some financial security, but feel the trade-off is worth it. For many, their standard of living goes down, for some even below the poverty line–yet they still take this step into the unknown. But many do work and therefore have their own income and a means to support their new life.

The retirement of spouses also plays heavily into rising divorce rates. When men are suddenly home all day, the dynamics of the relationship change—and what wasn’t good in their relationship is suddenly exposed and highlighted 24/7, with no distractions or escape for women. They decide the risks are worth it as they make the decision to leap into the unknown and to see what is out there as they search for greater meaning and personal happiness.