Month: April 2018

Forget romance: Check their credit score

New evidence keeps coming in on the importance of financial stability in a relationship. According to a recent working paper from the Federal Reserve Board, credit plays a big role in people beginning and staying in, committed relationships. So much for big blue eyes, great legs, a witty personality, and all the other attractions we think of when it comes to romantic relationships.

If you have a high credit score—you are a hot commodity! You are more likely to get and stay married than that charmer who lives from paycheck to paycheck. Who says nice guys finish last? Certainly not ones with good credit.

The Fed paper analyzed a data set of 12 million, randomly selected consumers who had used the reporting agency, Equifax over a period of 15 years. In other words, this was a big, randomly selected, long-term analysis—which is the most reliable kind. Along with having greater relationship success in general, it was found that those who started their relationship with strong credit scores were less likely to separate or divorce. They also found that couples who had similar scores had the most stable unions. This most likely speaks to compatibility in work ethic, responsibility, and a shared values around saving, spending, and how money should be handled—all of which impact lifestyle and security.

As I have always said—get your own act together before looking for or entering a serious relationship. Money matters because of all the things it says about someone, and the impact it has on lifestyle and future choices. If your finances are fragile or need attention, don’t wait—your moment to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right could be just around the corner.

How is your spouse performing?

Elizabeth Bernstein, Bonds columnist for the Wall Street Journal, wrote a great piece the other day on the usefulness of marital performance reviews. Most of us are familiar with performance reviews done by supervisors at work, but the idea of doing these at home is a fairly novel concept for most people.

The way we usually handle this kind of feedback to our partner is through catch is as catch can comments and asides, where we offer a word of thanks or praise, mutter a complaint, or throw out a “you always or you never” with a scowl. This usually results in a partner making a mental note to get back to that when time allows. If it ever does. This way of offering feedback is a little like taking something out of context—we only get part of the story or we get the whole thing completely wrong. Not a very useful way to communicate about how “we” as a couple are doing, is it?

Enter the “Marriage Performance Review.” This is when couples sit down together REGULARLY (and hopefully, without distractions) and identify issues and problems in order to tackle them before they grow into something destructive, and/or that takes on a life of its own. According to a study published in 2014 in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, researchers found that couples who performed regular “marital check-ups” saw significant improvements in their relationship satisfaction, sense of acceptance from their partner, intimacy—and suffered fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety.

The key is doing these is that couples stick with behavior and avoid personal attacks. It’s also important that they acknowledge their partner’s feeling and views of the problem, be clear in what they are asking for, and consistent in both their communication and follow-up.

If a couple commits to doing this to the best of their ability and it doesn’t help, counseling would be the next best step for them to take.

Single and happy? You are not alone

Rebecca Adams from The Huffington post recently did an interesting piece that discussed research that suggests that single people can be as happy as those who are coupled. While this may come as a surprise to some, not so much to others. After all, there are pros and cons to every lifestyle choice and having a partner VS going solo is no different.

Ms. Adams weaves several studies in her piece, such as a recent one out of the University of Auckland in New Zealand. Researchers actually did two studies that looked at both the short and long-term effects of one’s relationship status on their well-being. In the first one they had 187 undergraduate participants ranging in age from 19 to 54 years old. Participants in this study were a mix of singes and those in relationships. These participants were asked to provide feedback that measured their positive VS negative motivation for achieving goals. In other words, were they motivated to move towards goals through a negative (avoidance) VS positive (approach) attitude. They were also asked to rate how strongly they agreed with two positive statements about their happiness and satisfaction with their life. They used a 1-7 scale, every day, for 10 days.

The second study used data that had been gathered for two consecutive years for the New Zealand Attitudes and Values Study, which utilized over 4,000 participants ranging in age from 18 to 94. Again the sample contained participants who were single, dating, living with someone or married, and contained answers to the same questions asked in the first study that measured their avoidance and approach goals. This group was asked to rate their life satisfaction in terms of their standard of living, health, security and personal relationships. In other words, more pragmatic and specific than the general happiness rating the first group gave.

The findings showed that single participants listed as many avoidance VS satisfaction goals as those who were coupled. They cited a sense of freedom from the potential vulnerability to hurt and conflict that those in relationships are exposed to. Across the board, participants did report an increase in happiness when they were in a relationship. This one does make me wonder how truthful folks were about their desire to avoid the risks associated with loving someone.

Researchers did emphasize all the benefits of intimate relationships with friends, and family—and other research certainly points to how good those relationships are for us. However, the intimacy found with a partner is a unique kind of relationship that meets a very special need that many folks have. Yes, we can be single and happy and coupled and miserable—one doesn’t have to look far into either one to find many examples. My take has always been that if you are living a happy single life, you have a much greater probability of finding, attracting and having a happy and fulfilling coupled life. Just my unscientific conclusion.

Ashley Madison users exposed

Hackers who call themselves the “Impact Team” have hacked and then released information from Ashley Madison, the #1 website for cheating spouses. After the site was hacked, those of us who live in or very near the Nation’s Capital have been holding our breath as DC is listed as one of the top users of Ashley Madison’s services. Who would have thought a place like DC would need any assistance with this kind of thing—perhaps they believed it would be safer to hunt away from work and neighborhood connections, in a place where they could better shield their identity. How could they be so naïve you ask? Given all the hacks of top level government sites and large retail corporations, it was only a matter of time.

Those who have been cheated on have been positively gleeful at the potential for exposure, smiling as they mention how karma works. For those who have been doing the cheating, the tension and fear of exposure must be awful. We can only imagine all the profiles being deleted, and cell phones and personal devices being scrubbed of all data. Inattentive husbands and wives may suddenly have reverted to courting behavior, wooing their spouses with romantic notes, lighted candles in the bedrooms, flowers, and dinners out to a favorite and almost forgotten place. If their name pops up on a list they can say, “But darling, all my thoughts, gestures and time have been spent on you.”

To add injury to insult, credit cards numbers have been released along with customer names and other information. One has to wonder if these hackers were once cheated on spouses. Apparently the hackers warned this would happen if the site was not taken down, and when this was ignored, they went diving for data. Therefore, it’s believed their motive was not about money, but that they were driven by a moral motivation.

I think many folks will be speculating about who these hackers are, and where they might strike next. Lord knows, the internet is web with “sin” and could keep the moral police occupied for a long time. Note to those who are bored in their marriages and relationships. To those who seek some extra excitement and the fun that seems to have left their relationships with their partners—be careful of what you wish for. If your name is on that list, you will gets lots of excitement, it won’t be boring, and the adrenaline rush will be extreme if/when your participation becomes known.

I have no intention of offering tips on better ways to cheat. However, finding your thrills online is not safe and anonymous, and therefore, free of consequences as you may have told yourself. Please think about what you have to lose before you go looking for intimacy somewhere else. And consider investing more in what you already have. What you need might have been there all along, but somehow you both misplaced the connection to it.

When Mr. Good Enough is just right

Are you a single female who wants marriage and family, but you just can’t seem to find that “perfect” guy? If so, there’s some good news out there. In early 2015 evolutionary researchers at Michigan State University found that it is in our nature to go with a safe bet when our options may be limited regarding what we really want. In other words, if we want something badly enough, we will make it happen. According to Chris Adami from MSU, if people (from our earliest ancestors) “chose to wait, they risked never mating.” This was and apparently still is, a good reason for finding Mr. Good Enough.

The study used a model that traced risk-taking behavior, back through thousands of generations of evolution using digital organisms. These organisms were programmed to make bets with high stakes payoffs, and apparently, they were less willing to take risks on things that were life altering, like not choosing a mate and never having children. If they held out for perfect they risked being left empty handed, or in this case, with an empty cradle.

Depending on your age and circumstances, the word “settling” may be drifting through your thoughts, but if you think about it, this is very black and white thinking that we tend to move away from as we mature and become more realistic. “Perfect’, really? There is no such thing, ever. You may also be thinking that you can have a child without a partner and/or marriage. While this is true, it’s a much harder road, and most women want the partner for the sake of having that intimate connection and relationship, and for many a desire to create a family with him.

It is interesting to note that it has also been found that we are less risk adverse if we were raised in a smaller social group/community than if we come from a large group (family/community). It’s those who have many connections who are more willing to take risks like holding out for Mr. Perfect. So the environment plays a role as it does in virtually everything. There are people from similar backgrounds who range in willingness to take risks, but again, if we were to examine their individual experiences and how their unique interactions with the world around them impacted them, it’s a sure bet we would see differences that help explain why their response to risk varies.

Therefore, the good news is that it’s in our nature to let go of perfect and find good enough. This is great news because if we waited for perfect, the human race would likely die out. It also puts a new spin on that old “desperate” belief. People who go for good enough often end up with choices that make them happy and lead to satisfaction in their lives. Others who hold out for Mr. Right, can end up alone and looking back at all the good guys that they passed over while waiting for “the one.”

Is it wise to rebound after your break-up?

Break-ups are very painful, no way around it. The grieving process takes time, and in the meantime it’s hard not to seek consolation in the arms of someone new. After all, it’s the feelings of intimacy and the validation from someone else that we most value from our relationships. So why not find someone to help the healing?

Conventional wisdom, often spoken by therapists and relationship coaches like myself–warns of rebounding into something new when you have not gotten over your ex. Indeed, if you do get into a rebound relationship and find yourself just looking for revenge, making endless comparisons and/ or reacting to the new person as though they are the one who let you go–your rebound fling will fizzle quickly or you may find yourself repeating the same dysfunctional dynamics you had with your ex.

But is a rebound relationship ever useful or helpful, and is there a chance it could work? Yes and yes.
Research conducted over the past few years has concluded that people who rebound quickly after break-ups build their confidence back more quickly and get a boost to their self-esteem. If someone has extreme difficulty following a break-up due to issues with a need for attachment, being with someone new can help them truly say good bye to their ex. Of course, this could just mean they are displacing their need to be attached on to someone new, but if that relationship is better suited to them, it could work.

It also seems to matter how strong a person’s self-esteem was to begin with. If you start out with a healthy self-esteem, your rebound relationship is likely to be healthier and happier. This makes a lot of sense, which is why it Is important to do an honest self-assessment and decide if you have issues you need to deal with before dragging another person along for a dysfunctional ride.

One last interesting fact is that studies have found that marriages that occurred soon after the end of a previous relationship (separation/divorce), were just as successful as marriages that did not happen after a rebound. No significant difference in health or longevity was found. So if you are recently in splitsville and everyone is telling you that you need to take it slow, be alone, and not rush into a new relationship–let them know that the facts say otherwise, especially if you are someone with a healthy sense of self and who knows what you want and need in a relationship.

Older women beware of dating site con men

The NY Times ran a great piece on how older women are targeted by scammers when they post profiles on dating sites. These women are choice victims because they have accumulated wealth from years of savings, and are often recently widowed and lonely–which makes them especially vulnerable to that interested and attentive stranger who knows just what to say as he heaps attention on them and eases their loneliness.

According to the piece, this industry is thriving and it could be worse than anyone really knows. This is because so many of these women don’t report it, due to a sense of shame–imagine that heaped upon a loss of significant cash or even one’s life savings. Women who were interviewed for this story talked about how good it felt to have someone to talk to who seemed to care so much. They described their hurt, shock, and shame. Many hid it from family and friends. All said they were naive and that these guys were just too good at it. Amounts up to several hundred thousand have been reported as lost to these scams–and one wonders if these women are now unable to keep their homes and lifestyles because of it.

Everyone from the FBI to the dating sites themselves have been working to find ways to identify and prevent these predators from gaining access and finding and conning their targets. Warnings are posted all over the sites, but too often they go unread. These guys have a formula that involves connecting, gaining trust quickly, then asking the target to use private email and phone contact instead of going through the website where it could be detected.

The formula usually involves posing as a businessman headed to another country for work who gets in a jam and needs money transferred to carry him over. In some cases, he needs money for his new business or for a project that is being held up until his own funds are accessible. Another one is when he needs money for medical bills due a medical emergency far from home. Then there is the classic one of needing cash so he can come to her and they can have that first in-person meeting and then more to follow.

The bottom line is that somewhere along the way He asks for money–and this should be where the red flags start flying. Never, ever send money to Anyone you don’t know well, like a close family member. It may sound impossible that this could happen to you or that anyone could be this bad, but they are. They are very bad.

Look for men closer to home. Check them out online to see if they are who they say they are. Google the “script” they send you about being in desperate need of quick funds–how much do you want to bet you will find it word for word listed on a scam identifying site. No.one can take advantage of you without your permission, so say no. A guy who is the real deal will only be interested in you, not your bank account.

Been dumped? The feelings will set you free

The journal Social Psychological and Personality Science conducted a study on how talking about and rehashing the loss of a relationship impacts recovery and moving on. Contrary to popular myth, it helps a person to heal faster if they wallow in the feelings and share them freely with others.

210 young adults who had recently experienced heartbreak were included in the study. For a period of 9 weeks, half were asked to come in and talk about their feelings of loss by answering questions about the break-up. The other half were only required to complete a survey at the beginning and the end of the study. The group who answered the questions were able to process their feelings and feel better about themselves and their newly single status. Research shows that regaining a clear sense of self and purpose is critical to being able to heal and move on. Researchers did note that dwelling too long on negative feelings is not the same as reflection that can lead to new insights. An important difference to be sure.

None of this means that you can make a break-zip easy. It will hurt, and it will take time. Fortunately people usually overestimate how long it takes. So, if you have recently had your heart broken, spend some time reflecting on the relationship and discussing it with a few trusted others. Life will go on and you will most likely be better off without your ex.

True love is helped along by the size of one’s bank account

Market research firm, YouGuv conducted a study for the insurance company Haven Life. They surveyed more than 1,100 people who were asked “What amount of hidden debt in a relationship would lead you to break up with someone?” For 70% of respondents 5,000 would be a deal breaker. One in five of those surveyed admitted to having debt that their partner does not know about—yet some of these same people would dump a partner for the same thing. Very interesting.

“Financial infidelity” appears to be alive and well—as a couples therapist I see my fair share of it. According to various surveys about one in five people in a relationship admit to spending $500.00 or more without their partner’s knowledge; and others admit to hiding bank statements, bills and cash from their partners. It’s clear money is an issue and flash point for couples and they apparently fear coming clean about their spending habits and financial health and habits.

The good news is that if you are frugal, you will be more attractive to potential partners. This could actually be a focal point in an online dating profile. A study conducted in 2013 found that people were more attracted to a picture of someone once they knew they were a saver and not a spender—talk about foreplay.

When couples split, money is often a key issue—who gets what, who did what with joint money during the relationships, who paid for what, etc. The bottom line? Check out their financial status before jumping into commitment. Suggest you exchange credit scores with a “Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.” Money matters, no matter what you hear to the contrary.

Is sex really that important in a relationship?

The New York Times just featured an interesting piece titled First Comes Sex Talk with These Renegades of Couples Therapy. Essentially it deals with the issue of the importance of sex in happy marriages and relationships—and it challenges the notion that couples need to first focus on their underlying issues in couples therapy in order to heal and/or strengthen their relationships. Instead this piece is saying that sex is the 600 pound gorilla in the relationship that has been ignored for way too long.

Many new voices in the field of couple’s therapy (my field by the way) are emphasizing the importance of good sex in a relationship—and basically saying that without good sex, the relationship will be in trouble. They are therefore saying that sex should be talked about before any other issues the couple may be struggling with. Now that is new.

Now instead of focusing on infidelity, communication, and chore sharing, these “sex-forward” therapists are talking about sex, and kinky sex at that. One prominent member of this radical group of therapists says that Mystery and distance could benefit long-term monogamy.” This is new thinking all right. She also believe that talking about the trauma of affairs limits the couple’s ability to grow and strengthen their bond. She believes that betrayal is the opportunity for growth—and it’s hard to argue with this. I have worked with many couples who come out of an affair with a much closer and stronger relationship.

Another sex therapist in this movement tells couples to write their own monogamy rules, which can include weekend trysts or trysts that they participate in together. She sees monogamy as something that needs to be regularly renewed, like a license. This can be a slippery slope if you ask me. Once these boundaries get crossed, it can harm the relationship if one partner feels threatened or falls for someone they have been sexually involved with.

One New York psychotherapist meets with her couples individually, asking them to write sexual menus that they can share with their partner later on. Her focus is never to feel embarrassment about your desires or shame your partner for theirs. Everything is OK as long as both people agree. She believes in “GGG” which is based on the column of Dan Savage, a syndicated sex columnist. It stands for a belief that a “person should strive to be good in bed, giving to their partner and game for anything — within reason. She also emphasizes quality over frequency, which is very different than what most therapists advise. The piece also discusses pornography and internet use of it and how couples can come to some agreement on this issue.

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