April 2018 – Page 7 – Consum-mate Relationship News and All That Blog

The problem with adult friendship

Elizabeth Bernstein, Bonds columnist for the Wall Street Journal, just came out with a great piece on why making friends is harder for adults. Many readers will be able to relate as we have all lost some childhood friends, college friends, and single friends to time, graduation, moving, and/or marriage and children. Essentially, the shared life experiences that brought us together change, and too often, friendships fade away.

There are also the friendships that die when one person goes through a life crisis that a friend can’t or won’t deal with. There are the friends who become the toxic friends, due to many different circumstances—these are the ones you can agonize over saying good-bye to, but feel it is for the best. Then there are just those you lose touch with, slowly, over time.

The problem is that making new friends becomes harder as we age, due to the demands of work and family and less time and energy to connect to others and invest in growing relationships with them. Most “friendships” in our adult years happen because of proximity and shared needs and interests—think Mom cliques, co-workers, neighbors, spouse’s friends and their significant others, etc. We might not choose them in quite the same way as we chose friends in childhood, but proximity and repeated exposure were important factors even then.

Therefore for anyone who is having trouble meeting new friends (which is just about everyone) think proximity and convenience. Who lives/works/recreates where you do? What about your neighbors? Are there people who attend your place of worship that you find interesting and would like to get to know better? How often do you get to spend time with the parents of your kids’ friends? There must be some you would choose to spend time with sans kids.

If you are single, what about your passions and leisure pursuits? Where do you go for fun? Do you belong to any organizations or volunteer anywhere? What about co-workers and acquaintances who may also be single and looking for a friend to do things with?

The point that Elizabeth makes is that this is a challenge for everyone—not just you. Therefore there must be people you encounter regularly who would be open to having a new friend. Be open, approachable—and willing to approach someone else. A good friend is a wonderful thing to have.

The universal “not face” expression

If you have little experience with using body language to enhance your communications, here is a new study that reinforces its importance. Researchers at Ohio State University have identified a universal facial expression that expresses negative emotion. It is used in an identical way by speakers of English, Spanish, Mandarin Chinese, and American Sign Language (ASL)—this last one being even more significant. The “Not Face” consists of a furrowed brow, pressed lips, and raised chin—and in the study it always accompanied negative verbalizations by its wearer.

The not face is expressed as though by instinct, and at the same frequency as the negative words that accompany it. For ASL speakers, the not face may be used even when the word not is left out—in other words, it conveys the meaning without the word.

The study suggests a link between language and facial expressions. So if you think the emphasis on nonverbal communication is just a silly fad, think again. The researchers suggest that it is a combination of three basic universal expressions that indicate anger, disgust, and contempt. The study also hypothesizes that the ability to communicate danger or aggression was important to survival long before language was developed. This helps to explain why the expression is a negative one.

The study was developed as part of ongoing research into the development of language, but can offer us useful information about how we use our body to express ourselves and that it is likely it was the only mode of expression long ago. Therefore it’s basically coded in our DNA, and exists mostly on an unconscious level. But think of what a powerful tool it can be when you use it consciously and consistently in your relationships with others.

Do you suspect he/she is swiping behind your back?

In this easy hook-up culture, cheating abounds. Yes, it has always been there, it just seems that the temptations are greater and the opportunities are everywhere. But fear not, there’s an app for that too. In response to the popularity of Tinder and the fact that many people who aren’t exactly single are using it, a few ingenious developers invested SwipeBuster.

Though its inventors say that this app was designed to expose someone’s online behavior in general, which would come in handy if you wanted to check out a potential date—SwipeBuster is actually being heavily used by significant others who fear their honey may be swiping behind their back.

So for $5.00 you can know if someone you are involved with is cheating on you using Tinder. Sure beats the cost of a private eye. Of course, there are many other creative ways for folks to cheat if this is their goal. But it’s been Ashley Madison out, Tinder in for a while now. Guess these secret swipers are going to have to up their game and find something new.

Are you concerned your significant other could be swiping? $5.00 and a quick download will help you know for sure.

Ask the right questions before marriage

Most of the relationship difficulties that couples encounter after saying “I do” are the result of moving forward into commitment with assumptions and expectations that were never explored and discussed beforehand. Simply put, people assume they want the same things and have the same life vision. Then they just expect that life together will be a certain way based on their unchecked assumptions. Too often they are in for a disappointing surprise and wake-up call down the road.

When couples come in for premarital counseling, they always ask me, “how can we be sure?” They fear they may be overlooking something or ignoring a difficult truth. I tell them honestly that there are no guarantees, but that by asking the hard questions and exploring the answers together, they will greatly increase their odds of success.

The NY Times is running a piece by Eleanor Stanford titled; “13 Questions to Ask Before getting Married.” Needless to say, it is in a #1 spot for most viewed. It touches on the role “romantic-comedy expectations” play in why we don’t look more realistically and practically at this most important life decision. Then the ignored premarital issues become real-life problems that have to be faced after saying I do. The questions they recommend are meant to open a couple up to frank discussions and reveal secrets that could come back to haunt them later on. Here’s the list they offer in brief:

Did your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down when disagreements arose?

This one speaks to how a partner will handle disagreements and deal with conflict.

Will we have children, and if we do, will you change diapers?

This is a sure deal breaker if someone wants kids and their partner doesn’t. Also how involved both will be can become a major issue down the road.

Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us?

This one has to do with the danger of having had several serious (but not healthy) relationships and what we learned from them that we may have to unlearn. It’s also about how folks compare new loves with exes—which can be a no-winner. Lastly, jealousy and resentment over a partner’s ex can lead to relationship problems down the road if these feelings are not completely vetted before tying the knot.

How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all?

This one can definitely become more of an issue with marriage, extended family, and especially, kids. People think thy are fine with something until the in-laws expect that the kids will be raised in their faith, and the spouse gives in to this based on feelings they might have really known they had. Total honesty and a plan is needed here.

Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out?

Finances are the #1 issue that couples get in conflict over. Talk it through, decide how finances will be handled, fee up to debts you may have, talk about spending and how to handle large purchases—and discuss your feelings about where you want to live and if you want to rent or own.

What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a couch, shoes?

This is a piece of the one before, and it speaks specifically to values, importance of responsibility, future planning, and financial security. It’s important.

Can you deal with my doing things without you?

Too often folks enter marriage with an expectation that their lifestyle will be a certain way. Part of this issue is how much individual time spent apart will be comfortable for the couple. Partners often have very different views on this one and though they may already be in conflict about it before marriage, too often one or both individuals think it will resolve itself once they are married. Won’t happen.

Do we like each other’s parents?

Too many people think their relationship with potential in-laws won’t really matter much after marriage—but in fact, it often plays a larger role. Holidays, family traditions, and grandchildren can all lead to a lot of conflict with in-laws you aren’t real keen on to begin with. You don’t just marry the person, you also marry their family to a large extent. You need to be honest and discuss how you two together will deal with future in-laws.

How important is sex to you?

Sex can get too much attention, but it is a mistake to not give it enough. Sex changes after marriage and children and couples need to keep their lines of communication open and strong in regards to this topic. Unfortunately for too many it feels uncomfortable and taboo, so they choose to ignore it, then are surprised when they have an unhappy or wandering spouse.

How far should we take flirting with other people? Is watching pornography O.K.?

If he/she is flirting in a way that makes you uncomfortable before marriage, tying the knot won’t change that. In fact, it often gets worse. Like sex itself, this is a topic couples tend to tiptoe around. Yet it needs to be talked about openly and frankly in order for intimacy to grow and remain strong.

Do you know all the ways I say “I love you”?

This one is about the 5 Love languages, a great book that you should read if you have not yet done so. People show love in different ways and understanding how your partner does will enhance communication and help you avoid misunderstandings, disappointment, resentment, and conflict.

What do you admire about me, and what are your pet peeves?

This discussion is intimacy at its best. Being who you are warts and all in front of each other only brings you closer. If not discussed, resentment and annoyance can flourish.

How do you see us 10 years from now?

This one is all about sharing a vision of the future, what it will look like, and what you both want and need. It also offers clues about someone being open to the idea that the marriage might not work out. If the other partner is in it no matter what, they need to know this.

If you are dating and talking about marriage—use these questions as a guide before the engagement ring and putting down a deposit. If you are newly married and hitting a few bumps, these questions can help you avoid more serious conflict and/or alienation down the road. If you are in a longer term marriage and struggling with issues that you have no idea where to begin addressing, these can help you as well. They will point to some specifics and offer you a place to focus and begin working together on resolution. It’s never too late while you are still together and both invested in making things better.

Turns out, opposites don’t attract

You know the old saying that “opposites attract?” A new study has found that there is probably little if any truth to it. Researchers at Wellesley College and the University of Kansas found that people are drawn to others who are like-minded, not those who are different.

This study not only challenges some basic beliefs about attraction and relationship formation, it also points to something very important that all couples should be aware of before making a commitment. People can’t change each other over time—something that many couples find out the hard way.

The study findings, titled; Similarity in Relationships as Niche Construction: Choice, Stability, and Influence Within Dyads in a Free Choice Environment,” can be found in the current issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

Apparently if like or love at first sight happens, it’s because we find something familiar in the other person, something we can relate to. If you think about it, most of us have always believed we choose friends this way—so how did the belief that opposites attract come into being? After all, seeing the world in a similar way and sharing experiences, goals, and world views is always a plus, right?

None of this says that we don’t influence one another, because we do. It also doesn’t mean that we don’t grow and change over time, especially in a committed relationship. What it does say is that we are fundamentally who we are and that if it is very different from a love interest, we are less likely to make a meaningful connection.

The study shows that people who are attracted to one another don’t seek similarity in a few areas—they are similar in many more ways than not, especially on things that matter the most to them. Just think about the current political climate—can you imagine a Trump supporter finding love with a Sanders person? You get the picture.

Of course, many people have close friends who are very different from them—however there must be something (or a few things) that they share and that connect them in meaningful ways. However they don’t and can’t change one another, they simply accept and respect their differences. Note to anyone out there who may be considering marriage and having thoughts of how great their partner could be/will be when they grow up, change their view on something, have a positive influence in their life, etc. You are kidding yourself—and this research highlights it. It’s easier to find someone who really gets you—and who shares your basic values, beliefs, and goals.

Your partner might understand you, but do they actually care?

If you are having a bad day, week or more—can you talk to your partner about it? By this I mean; do they listen, understand what you are saying, and care about how you are feeling? Or is it just one or two of these? The results of new research on this topic have just been released by psychologists at UC Santa Barbara. What they found is that it’s not enough that one’s partner hears and understands what they are saying, they also need to care about how it is affecting them for it to be truly helpful.

Maybe this is why some people go on and on to their partner about something they are upset about, or why they repeat something over and over again, hoping somehow it hits the mark. Their significant other could be sitting there listening and acknowledging that they hear them—yet somehow there is something missing, like empathy. Apparently we know when someone cares—by what they say and how they say it. It’s knowing that they actually care that helps us to feel better.

The findings of this study were published in the journal Psychological Science—and they are the first time that the importance of understanding and empathy occurring together has been studied. Understanding has always been held as important in and of itself, but without compassion and concern, it provides little help to the partner seeking support. In other words, if your partner doesn’t get that you are hurting and is not able to feel your pain—they simply won’t be as emotionally available to you or able to provide you with the kind of support that will help you really feel better.

Maybe what happens when someone feels empathy is that we know they really get how we feel, that they have been there, and that when we express our pain, they validate us and we feel less alone, which lightens the burden. Maybe this is what people with high emotional intelligence have—an ability to both understand and feel empathy, and then communicate this to the other person.

Apparently if someone can’t feel another’s pain, they aren’t able to show the support and caring that is necessary. Makes sense. Maybe this is a piece of the “problem with communication” that I hear so often from couples who come to me for relationship help. They describe an inability to convey their feelings and needs in a way that their partner hears them correctly. Maybe what is missing is the partner’s ability to feel empathy and compassion and the desire to help that often comes with these.

I often tell folks to “think” more with their hearts than their heads when in conversation—this research helps to explain why this is so important.

Do you know your partner’s love language?

Many of you are probably familiar with the great book, The 5 Love languages. If not, it’s about how we express love in different ways (he identifies 5), and that knowing what yours is and how it may work well with or clash with that of your significant other can help your relationship. It’s a brilliant work that really can help all couples to improve their intimate communication/relationship.

Today is Valentine’s Day, and by now too many people are sad, angry or just plain disappointed that their partner either doesn’t care, doesn’t get it, or just doesn’t consider them enough of a priority. This is where knowing one’s love language and that of one’s partner could make a huge difference. If one partner believes that when someone loves you they buy you expensive gifts, while the other thinks it’s all about using the right words, giving flowers, and/or doing something nice like making a special dinner—fireworks could happen, and not the good kind.

If you can identify your partner’s love language, use it to speak to them on this day and the other 364 days of the year. Say “I love you” in a language they understand that will tell them you care about how they feel and what matters to them, not just what is comfortable or easy for you. It may seem to simple, but knowing what your S.O.’s values are is an important foundation to healthy communication.

What better way to get a handle on this than February 14th?

Can you find Mr. /Ms. Right in church?

There has been a lot written about the importance of compatibility in relationships—similar values, goals, lifestyles, and even work ethic. Compatibility VS incompatibility in any of these can make or break a relationship, as too many couples find out after saying “I do.” Notice I didn’t specifically mention religion, race, or ethnic background—because honestly, though these can be deal breakers for some couples, it’s usually because their differences in one of these areas results in a clash in desired lifestyle, goals, and/or values. So where am I going with all this?

Today is Ash Wednesday, observed as the beginning of the Lenten season for Catholics, and a day of fasting and repentance for many Western Christians. Generally speaking it is not a day that those who are casually observant adhere strictly to. By this I mean attending mass or services, getting ashes and going to confession (Catholic), abstaining from meat—and/or making a decision to give something up for the duration of lent. Therefore, those that do are often the more observant among their peers.

If you are a single Christian/Catholic who will be at services today and throughout the Lenten season—you will be doing so with others much like yourself. Some will be much older, others younger, and still others married or in committed relationships. However, there will also be available singles—men and women who may be looking for that right person on dating sites, in clubs and bars, and through work and/or friends. But do they or you (really) look around at the other faithful when in church? Or would this feel inappropriate, and if so, why?

A number of years ago, when I was young and single, a guy actually tried to hit on me in the line for confession—you can’t make this stuff up folks. It made me uncomfortable because it was inappropriate to strike up a conversation, given where we were. I did my best to nicely shut him down and that was that—not my type. However I have reflected on that incident from time to time and have come to the conclusion that if he had attempted conversation after service or just outside church, I would have been open to talking to him, even though I may have still found him to be wrong for me.

What I am trying to say is that Church could be a great place to meet someone—especially if your congregation has other singles, evening masses, social gatherings after services, ministries you can join, etc. And if your religious beliefs are a big part of your life, and if you want marriage/kids with someone who shares your values—you can improve your odds by going to the special services (like Ash Wednesday, Stations of the Cross, etc.), and by paying attention to who else is there. Chances are you won’t be the only single adult in the group, and when you see others you can try to sit near them, exchange a glance/smile, and try to walk out next to or near them following services. Then, ask a question or share an observation and if they respond, you have made a connection. Depending on their response, you could talk a little longer, look for them to sit with the next time you are there, suggest you go over for coffee together after the service, etc.

Love could be just a church service away. What have you got to lose?

Do you zig when your partner zags?

The NY Times ran an interesting piece this past weekend on the Lark-Owl problem that many couples have. This is when one is a morning person and the other gets a second wind late at night and rises later—which leads to an incompatible sleep schedule.

For many couples, different sleep cycles mean they see less or little of one another, which can lead to a breakdown in communication and intimacy. However since sleep plays a major role in mental and physical health, it is hard for individuals to attempt changing their natural patterns and risk exhaustion/brain fog/illness for the sake of the relationship.

Approximately 60% of the population sleeps with someone else, and if their bed partner has a sleeping problem it usually impacts them and their relationship satisfaction. Research has shown that people sleep better when sleeping alone, probably because they have no one there to disturb their sleep or impact their sleep/rise schedule. However, people in general report they are less happy sleeping alone—so learning how to get adequate sleep when sleeping beside a partner who has a different sleep cycle should be a priority for everyone.

Whether you are a Lark or an Owl will depend largely on genetics, and less so on age and gender—that is, primarily what your parents and grandparents were and are. Each of us has a sleep chronotype, which is our internal timing that can vary up to 12 hours from our partner’s chronotype. These are like fingerprints, everyone is different and the possibilities are as numerous as the people with them.

We have a problem when our natural rhythm doesn’t line up with the demands of our personal and work lives. The result is “social jet lag,” which we can all relate to. We can adjust our internal clocks by staying in the light longer or turning lights off earlier. The author uses camping as an example. For anyone who has camping experience you know what it was like to be ready for sleep soon after dark and an early meal. Then when the sun rose, you found yourself awake and ready to get up and start the day. But for most people who work inside, often in front of a computer screen, sleep problems are common.

Recent research suggests that different sleep patterns don’t have to be a deal breaker and can in fact, be beneficial—allowing one partner to handle early times with children or both to have some alone time when the other is catching their zsssss.

Otherwise finding time when both are awake to connect can help keep the relationship strong and healthy. Couples who master this are often better problem solvers in general. What is NOT advised is to try and get your partner to change for you. If you pursue this solution, you will end up with a tired, irritable partner who is lacking in energy, unable to focus or be productive—and who blames you for their problems at work and in the relationship.

Does your tone of voice predict marital bliss or divorce?

An interdisciplinary team comprised of researchers from USC Viterbi School of Engineering and the University of Utah developed an algorithm that can predict (with a 79% accuracy) a couple’s future marital success based on the tone of voice that partners use with one another. Apparently the accuracy rate of this algorithm is better than that of marital therapists who worked with these couples.

Over one hundred couples were recorded for over two years during therapy sessions—and then their marital status was tracked for five years more. With a focus on acoustic features that included pitch, intensity, shimmer and jitter; the algorithm was able to detect and interpret the nature and level of emotion contained in their speech. Then a prediction was made based on the level and consistency of positive or negative emotion that was detected.

Once the algorithm was fine-tuned, it was measured against the analysis made by therapists who had coded the couples for positive or negative qualities. What the researchers found was that using only the voice input resulted in higher accuracy in predicting future marital success or failure.

What this research clearly underscores is what many nonverbal communication experts have been saying for a long time—“it’s not what you say, but how you say it.” Not only does tone of voice convey the strongest message, it also has the greatest impact on the person receiving the message. This research showed an impact on the emotional state of both partners, and how it changed over time, depending on the primary tone of voice that each used across therapy sessions.

This is exciting stuff because now we have a new tool that can be used to better help couples who come in for counseling due to serious relationship issues. We can not only more accurately assess their relationship potential on the first session, we can evaluate if the counseling is working based on tone of voice over time. As a therapist I also think we can coach people to be mindful of HOW they speak to one another in order to help keep the lines of communication open, and facilitate an environment of greater trust and respect. Many of us do this already, but putting more focus on HOW people communicate can produce more accurate feedback, while helping the couple to feel more hopeful, positive and invested in the process.

So remember, it’s everything you don’t say that can speak the loudest. Want to know more? You can read more on this research at